The Bullets Won't Stop!

I've thought of writing this post all day. And every time, I just can't click the button to write a new post. Part of me is avoiding feeling what I'm about to feel as I write about this. But I'll feel it whether I write it or not, so here goes. It's also just really vulnerable and raw. So I hope for validation and love.

Yesterday was horrible. I survived, though, so I felt like a rock-star. Minus the crying. Crying always makes me feel a little less than rock-star status, hence the reminder that crying doesn't make me weak. 

Because we moved and I'm pregnant, I decided to substitute teach this year rather than get a full-time teaching job. Subbing yesterday proved to be very challenging and was the base of my horribly hard day. After I finished the school day, I was grateful to go home, and I looked forward to the evening with Ben. I was counting on him to be a strength and comfort to me as I unleashed some of the trauma I experienced yesterday at school. And he was. Until he confessed some things.

Fast forward through the hours of tears shed last night to the point where I was actually able to process my feelings and get to the root of why this relapse impacted me so much worse than any have since April. 

I'm raw from telling my story at Camp Scabs. I've recently revisited all the pain I have suffered our entire marriage. That pain has come from acts of infidelity, countless lies, and a breakdown of trust and love. And now I'm feeling all that pain again. I'm sitting in it. Because I've been let down in a major way that has let the trauma rush back in. Everything has come cycling back, and I can't get it to leave.

I've been feeling so much joy from the past six months. I've felt hope. I've seen his potential as a husband and father. I've seen our potential as a family. 

We "started over" back in April. I allowed the past to be put behind us. I chose to let our relationship continue to develop rather than shutting it down. I chose to open my heart back up to trust and love. I gave him everything and am now carrying a baby with Ben's blood running through him. 

I trusted Ben to work as hard as he could to find recovery. I trusted him with my heart and my child. I took a huge leap of faith, and I feel like I have been shot in the heart again. And again and again and AGAIN. The bullets won't stop coming. And they are getting closer and closer together. I'm afraid I might actually die. [Okay, not literally. But I'm certainly breaking.]

For a while, the relapses were growing farther apart. It's not ideal, but it gave me hope that real changes were happening. But the relapses are now growing closer together, and I can see that real changes are not happening. Or at least, they aren't happening as fast and as well as I thought they were.

Sometimes I can handle this well because I remind myself that it's an addiction and he needs help. And that the addiction won't just go away overnight. And that it's not about me, and it's not about infidelity. It's about addiction.

But when it comes to sex-addiction, you can't leave the infidelity out of it. It's an integral part of this addiction, and addiction plus infidelity SUCK SO BAD.

Porn doesn't just happen. And masturbation doesn't just happen. Little things trickle in and build up. Lust happens. I know it's not really about me, and I don't ever doubt Ben's love for me. But all the fantasies and lusting while watching porn is certainly infidelity. 

And even if you're not sold on the idea that porn is infidelity, porn certainly leads there. With addiction, one level is never enough. It will grow worse and worse until there are physical acts of infidelity. [also, I'm really bad about minimizing because so many people in "the world" think porn is not a big deal. the struggle to validate myself is real. that is why this paragraph even exists. shut up, stupid brain.]

Most of my current trauma level stems from fear. He has said things to me in the past that make me afraid for our future. The fact that porn is creeping in more and more with less time in between each viewing worries me. I'm afraid he will give up and leave. I'm afraid he will become so hopeless that he is suicidal. I'm afraid it will grow from fantasy and brain work to physical affairs. 

I'm afraid for our future family. I've seen families ripped apart by the effects of porn. THAT'S NOT IN MY PLAN! But I'm afraid it could arrive there by his choices. 

I honestly feel a little ridiculous because I'm sitting here thinking of all the worst-case scenarios when the fact is, I still see hope. But I've had hope for so long... And fear feels natural. 

The thing is, I still have hope. I still love him. I still see his potential as the father and husband he should be. And I am truly, deeply grateful for the healing that has taken place this summer because earlier this year I was almost ready to give up. Had we not experienced what we have, I would be ready to give up again. But I'm not. Because I love him, DANGIT! And I still have hope. And lots of swear words are running through my head right now. 

It's not fair. It's just not fair. I can do everything "right" and still end up in a crap-hole because of someone else's agency. 

But I do know this: I am not alone. I've been in so much pain the past 24 hours, but I've never felt alone. I've felt God circling me with His love, and He keeps showing me hope. So I guess I'm grateful for that. 

Trauma Response

My body has been conditioned to feel a trauma response when I am faced with decisions. Any decision, big or small. I start shutting down. I feel it start in my head. Then it starts closing in on the rest of my body. And holy cow, I just need to lay down and shut the world out. Except I think I've been trying to lay down and shut the world out for months. It's not getting better. I still feel that trauma response erupt every time I have any kind of trigger. But the triggers aren't necessarily about sex/media/etc. Most of them are emotional triggers that remind me of the pain I felt earlier this year and bring me back to every pain I have felt in my life.

I don't know how I can live this way. I'm not living. Every little thing requires a huge decision. Every decision requires hours and hours of thinking and weighing all possibilities and making sure I have evaluated as much as I can with the information I have. 

I have decisions to make today. One fairly big. One pretty small. Both are shutting me down.

When will I stop feeling so frozen and be able to make a decision again? 

I'm trying to turn it over to Christ. But it's hard. So hard. So many fears. So many traumas erupting. 

I was introduced to Casting Crowns this week. I'm a little obsessed. You should be too. Listen to both songs. Drink in the lyrics. 

Just Be Held

 The Well

POST EDIT: I have spent the morning praying and turning my turmoil over to God, along with asking for guidance in the decisions that needed to be made (which were actually three, not two, as I said earlier). I received answers to my prayers, which were not the answers that I was anticipating. But, from the answers I received, I know that God is mindful of me. He knows my limitations and needs. I've also had a few other things happen this morning that show me God is near. 

Which Wolf are You Feeding?

This morning in my 12-step work (Healing Through Christ), I read this parable:

“An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, ‘A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too.’ The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, ‘Which wolf will win?’ The old Grandfather simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’"

The follow-up question was, "Which wolf do you feed most often?"

It got me thinking (which was the point, yes I know). I've really been doing a lot of self-evaluation lately. In my efforts to allow myself to feel, rather than push away my pain, I think I allowed myself to feed the first wolf. I got to the point where fear, anger, self-pity, and resentment ruled me. I wasn't just feeding them--I felt like I was them. (So maybe I was feeding ME to the wolf?)

It's important to feel the emotions that come with this situation. When you push them away, they build up pressure and explode. And it's not pretty--not pretty at all. It's a most painful explosion, and any hope remaining could quickly diminish with the aftermath of that kind of explosion. Pushing away emotions is rarely the best response.

There lies a fine line between feeling the emotions but not letting them rule you. I don't know, maybe letting them rule you is just part of the process, but I'd like to think that you could appropriately deal with the emotions without becoming a casualty and being ruled by them. That's what I'm trying to figure out right now. I don't know where the line is between feeling the emotions and not letting them rule you, but I am certainly trying to discover it.

I want to feed the second wolf, the good wolf. I have been working on feeding that wolf more often. It comes through self-care. The more I care about myself and meet my needs (physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual), the easier it is to feel joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, etc.--even if it's in tiny doses at a time.

I have felt the good wolf pulling out of the muck lately. I have felt a great increase in those positive emotions. It's not been an easy process, and I'm still hard at work. Sometimes I need to allow myself time to sit in the negative emotions, but I also need to pull myself back up and lean on Christ to feel the positive ones.

I had a moment on Friday where I felt truly, deeply happy. A feeling I haven't felt in a LONG time. Over the last little while, I've felt the tides turning, and I feel more hope than despair. That is a good thing. For the past however long, I've felt more despair than hope. I am excited for the changes coming my way, and I hope and pray that I can continue to turn my life over to God. I do know that it is through Him that I have gained the strength, hope, and peace I am currently feeling in my life. 

Which wolf are you feeding?

I had no idea. Oh, the irony.

Preface: Read about our dating experience here.

When I think about our dating experiences and my decision to marry Ben, and when I think about where we are now, I often wonder why I married him. Did I actually love him or was I just in a rush to get married and start that fun, exciting phase of life? It's kind of hard to discern. And it's kind of hard to remember that far back when there is so much trauma fogging up the memory. Of course, I made the choice to marry him, but were my answers to prayers a type of cop out from making the actual decision myself? So many questions. So much trauma.

I think those thoughts are just trauma response. I think I know I loved him when I married him. I think I trust myself enough to know I wouldn't have made that decision lightly. But you can see how the pain of Betrayal Trauma runs its course.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I had no idea what I was getting into when I got married. Of course, I knew being married wasn't supposed to be a piece of cake. But we had a traumatic dating experience for a variety of reasons, so I never expected in my wildest dreams that he would be a source of trial in our marriage. I thought we were a team. I thought we had great communication and could work through anything. We've suffered through my back injuries. We've suffered through infertility. We've suffered through grandparents on both sides passing away. We've suffered through a car accident. We've had financial trouble. We've moved to two different states. We've dealt with crazy bosses. We've handled my unexplained physical ailments.

But nothing compares to what he has brought to our marriage. Nothing. 

Being married to a sex-addict is by far the most painful trial I've experienced. Now, put that on top of the other trials, and it's even more heavy. 

And put it on top of our dating relationship. All the questions. All the "I don't want to date you"s. The breaking-up. The "not being friends." The prayers begging God to help me figure this out--to help me figure out what the purpose is and to help me follow His plan. The thoughts I had of backing out. 

I have so many questions now. 

Mainly, is this right? Is this really what you wanted for me, God? Did I make up my spiritual experiences? Did I make up my answers to my prayers? Did you know Ben would do this to me? Did you know when I chose to marry him that we wouldn't even make it through our first year in bliss and harmony? Did you know he would one day talk about leaving me to live in sex sin? Did you know the addiction would come back to haunt our marriage? Did you know I would wonder about the sanctity of our marriage? Did you know I would be afraid I will be alone for all eternity? 

Of course He knew all of that. He is God. 

God sees the end from the beginning. I don't know why I felt so strongly that I should marry Ben. I'd like to think that we do have a divine mission to fulfill, as I felt after many prayers begging God to help me out. I'd also like to think it's because God trusted me with this, with Ben. And that maybe Ben needs me. And maybe God needs me to be a voice. Maybe He knew I could handle it. Maybe He knows we will make it through. Or maybe He knows we won't, but we will both gain eternal progress form this. I don't know. That's just all speculation.

I've spent a lot of time fighting being mad at God.

God is not the one to whom I should direct my anger. God didn't do this to me. It's part of life. It's all a result of agency. Ben's choices. Sometimes our trials are the result of another's actions. That is the case with me right now as I face this trial. I can't control it. It's happening, and I just have to work through it. It's also a result of my agency. I chose Ben. I choose Ben every day. I choose to do my best to follow God, and right now, I truly think God wants me to stay. So I stay. I choose to stay. And it's hard.  

I can trust God. He has truly been with me through all of this mess. While it's been hard and painful, He has not left me comfortless. I can [almost] always see the ways He is helping me.

This trial has definitely brought me to a faith crisis. I struggle in a lot of ways I didn't think possible a few years ago. A few years ago, I thought I was solid. But I know God is real and Christ is my Savior. Those two things are the most important. Those are the things I hold on to for now.

I know this is somehow part of the plan. I know I can learn from this. I know I am being made stronger. I know that God knows the way out. And I know that darkness is a part of life. Without darkness, depression, and despair, we would not be able to truly know the light. 

Ben messed up last week. 

The addiction ran its head through our door. 

Satan is running amok in both our heads. 

Sometimes, I don't feel so lucky.

I look back and wonder. God, what were you thinking all those times I prayed for help loving Ben? Is that what I'm supposed to do now? Will I only love him when I'm praying for love? 

I look back at all those times I felt so lucky. Oh the irony. He was so honest. So pure. So clean. So respectful. So patient. So wonderful. 

What. The. Hell. 

I hate addiction. I double hate sex-addiction. I hate pornography. I hate masturbation. I hate Satan. He needs a junk-punch. [ps. I do know Satan doesn't control us. I know Ben's choices are his choices. But I can still hate Satan. I'd rather direct my hatred at Satan right now.]

I hate that I've been robbed of innocence. I hate that I've been robbed of security and trust. I hate that I wonder if he will leave me to go live in sex sin--to sleep with hookers, go to strip clubs, and do whatever else. 

I hate that with a simple act, all security and trust I've built up can be robbed again. 

I hate the love-hate relationship I have with my husband. 

I hate that I want to scream and cry. All the time. Or most of the time. 

I hate that I want to punch holes in our walls and break every picture frame in our house. And burn all his stuff. 

I hate that my reality sucks sometimes. 

And I hate that other women can relate to me. I hate that they have gone through this too. [But I love you for the support you have given me. Thank you for being able to relate to me and reaching out to love me.]

Hatred is exhausting. But it's part of my life right now. Don't worry, it will pass and I'll move to another part of the process. But for this moment, I will allow myself to be bitter and angry, at least while I write this post. Getting it out and working through it will allow me to move on.

Remember all those times I felt so lucky? Oh the irony.


Read the next post here. 

Soul-Searching Through Step 10

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Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff, and I've needed to look inside myself and dig deep to find answers and solutions. And to stop being lazy and fearful.

My husband is 17 days sober. And counting.

That’s good.

That’s great!

But, I still feel weird.

When the addiction was hitting rather heavy, it was hard for me to face it. It was difficult for me to cope, so I turned to my easiest coping method: to pretend like it’s not happening. Not that I do that…But seriously, it’s much easier to let it be addressed (his confession/my questions) and then just move on without letting it ruin things. I hate it when the addiction ruins things! The problem is, I tend to move on too quickly--before I’ve allowed the emotions to run their course. And that ruins things. Like right now how I'm still feeling weird. I am trying to let my emotions run their course because 17 days ago when we had our last d-day, I ignored it. Actually I was strong for him, and then strong for me, and that is how I ignored it. Anyway, now it's just bottled up pain that has become more fermented with time.

I don’t want to feel pain. I don’t want this to be hurting our relationship. I don’t want to not want to have sex because that is a critical step in the baby-making process. And I certainly don’t want any months to go by with a chosen lack of fetus because I chose not to have sex (already a few chosen months have passed by, which is why I'm so emotional about it right now). My body is infertile enough without the addiction in the equation to add more un-pregnant months.

I don’t want these problems.

When he tells me he slips up, I feel sad. I feel hurt. But I also know he feels bad, and I don’t want him to feel worse and slip up again, so I shove it all down. Sometimes, I just don’t even have the time to deal with my emotions, so I shove it down and play pretend-happy. Or at least pretend-survival. The past few weeks have been crazy at school and we just moved. I don’t have time to deal with addiction problems. So, naturally, I let the emotions sit. I think I’ve dealt with them because I have acknowledged the emotions, but I haven’t dealt with them at all. They fester . They boil. They explode. I get depressed. And then I don’t know what to do.

I need to take my own emotion advice. That post I wrote about emotions? That was me processing. I was coaching myself on how to deal with things. And then, after I wrote it, I had to move on because things were so crazy busy.

It’s a horrible cycle. I totally know I’m doing it to myself, but I just keep on doing it because I’m getting so maxed out in every aspect of my life that I don’t know what else to do.

I need a vacation from life. I don’t even need to go anywhere special. I just need a break.

I’ve been stuck on step 10 for a little while. Because I haven’t had time or motivation to do daily accountability. So, I know I’m on step 10, and I don’t hold myself accountable. I just don’t. It’s too hard and depressing. I’ve seen myself slowly falling into old, bad habits. I’ve started being a little judgmental and saying kind of harsh things. I’m seeing the old me that didn’t cope with things well. I know that’s okay because I know I’m not perfect and I don’t have to be. But, it’s rather depressing to see the things I’ve tried to ditch resurfacing.

I hit a sort of breaking point this past week, though. By the end of the week at school, I wanted to kill everyone (not literally…sheesh!). I cried. A lot. I even cried at the stinkin' airport. In public. I didn’t even care anymore. I was just embracing my emotions.

I finally read through step 10 again. I have been pushing it off because I’m afraid to start holding myself accountable for anything—my actions, acknowledging my emotions, my thoughts, my motivations, my intents, my desires. I’m afraid to hold myself accountable because I’m a perfectionist. And because it’s kind nice to fall into Satan’s traps and feel like there is no hope? Yeah, right. That’s why I decided to get back into the swing of things. I chose depression (kind of), so I chose to un-choose depression.

Picking up my manual and reading through step 10 was one of the best things I could have done for myself right now.

I was reminded I need self-care. Self-care is important. I need to meet my needs. Yes, my students are important. My job is important. My family (as in mom/dad/siblings) is important. My husband is important. But you know what? I’M IMPORTANT TOO! My needs must be met just as much as anyone else’s. Maybe even more. You know how when you’re on an airplane, they go through the safety-demo and make sure everyone knows that if there is an emergency, YOU should put on your oxygen mask before helping anyone else? If you die, who is going to help all of them? That’s the way I see it. I have to meet my needs because if I die/fall apart/have a nervous breakdown, there will be no me to meet all of those needs that are currently being met by me.

I do a lot. I am stretched thin in so many directions. Sometimes I wonder how the world would revolve without me (although, to be honest, it would totally revolve without me). I give of myself constantly. I try to serve and make everyone happy. I give so much that I should be made up of negative matter—my body should warp into some other dimension or something.

I need self-care. My daily accountability? To check and make sure that I’m taking care of myself. That does include things like watching for pride and asking God to replace my negative thoughts with His peace.

I was also reminded in my study of step 10 that I will make mistakes. But that’s okay because it is normal, it’s a part of life, and my Savior has taken my mistakes upon Himself. I can turn them over to Him. I’ve done it before.

Isn’t it funny how this is so cyclical? I know with each cycle, I am growing. My growth is becoming deeper. But still. It’s such a cycle. I love/hate it. At least the fact that it’s a cycle means I’ve already gone through this, on some level, and I can give myself advice on how to get through it.

But you can also interject and give me advice if necessary.

Remember, self-care. Don’t stop taking care of yourself like I did. Read your scriptures. Pray. And do some crafts or something! (but seriously.)

Coping With Those Rough Emotions

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Emotion is a ginormous part of this journey of dealing with addiction. The negative emotions are real. They are big. They are raw. They cut deep. They hurt.

Sometimes I wonder how to deal with them. 

I've learned a lot about dealing with emotion and stress. In the past three years, I have felt unimaginable amounts of emotion, specifically negative emotion, and stress. When I look back and reflect, sometimes I surprise myself at how much I have really learned. 

Emotions have been on my brain all week. Ummm, that's because I have gone through a lot of them (this week especially). Most have been negative, but then there is that conflict of emotion that is hard to deal with: angry, but longing for love; exhausted, but desperate to get through; sad, but full of those darn happy memories; scared, but full of peace. It all builds up and creates stress, especially when added on top of the other life stuff, which for me includes responsibilities at home, school, and church. 

How do we deal with it all? It's so much. It seems like every normal stressor is made worse by the stress and emotional battlefield of the addiction. 

This is what I've learned: 

1) Allow yourself to feel emotion. Too many times I have tried to shove the emotions down. They are painful. They are scary, and quite honestly, it just plain seems easier to not feel, to just push it back and put on the brave face. That doesn't work. That has never worked for me. It's like putting a band-aid over an open, gaping wound. It may cover the wound for a short time, but it will fall off. When you need stitches, covering it with a small band-aid only temporarily helps. Then you run the risk of infection and a much worse wound. The temporary solution of ignoring emotions that are hard to deal with is just that: temporary. It feeds the wound so it becomes "infected" and basically bursts open. Worse. When you don't allow yourself to feel emotion, for whatever reason (fear, manipulation, etc.), you are asking for an explosion later on. And my explosions usually include a lot of exhausting tears and much worse negative emotion. So let yourself feel. Let the emotion play its course. And eat some brownies if you have to.

2) Find a good outlet for your emotions. There are many options here. First, I'll say don't be afraid to talk to a trusted friend. I have been afraid of that in the past. Sometimes it's fear of Jack, and sometimes it's because I'm afraid of what that person might think or do. If you pray, God will help you find the right people to confide in. My friend Harriet helped me realize it's okay, even necessary, to share this burden with others. One of my friends in whom I confided, upon hearing my fears (after we had talked a long time) reminded me of our baptismal covenant to bear one another's burdens that they may be light, to comfort others, and to mourn with those that mourn. How can we do that if we don't share our burdens? 

Another outlet for me is writing. A missionary at my group in Utah encouraged me to have a separate journal for anger and recovery. So I have an angry journal. I use it for when I feel like my head will explode with all my stress and pain. And I will burn it when it is filled up. NO ONE, not even me, reads my angry journal. It's personal. It's simply an outlet for pain. It's my journal that I never re-read because it's only full of pain. It's all useless venting to release emotion. And it has worked. It has helped me feel and express my emotions in a non-destructive manner.

I also have other hobbies that help me deal with emotion: painting, and exercising. Those aren't my only hobbies, but they are my best stress-relievers. I try not to emotionally eat because it usually makes me feel worse afterwards, but, hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Sometimes only brownies and ice cream can handle me and my emotions. ;)

3) Try to see the bigger picture. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I know there is an eternal purpose for my experiences here. I also know I have a Father in Heaven who sent His Son to die for me. He can succor me. He can lift me up. And as I turn to Him, I am drawing closer to His glory. He is my source of strength and power, and I know through Him that there is an end to my pains, and something beautiful in store for me. 

4) Pray. We can obtain divine powers through prayer. It is through prayer that I have gained strength and courage to face my emotions and stress head on. Through prayer, I've felt and kept my eyes open to see what God had blessed me with. 

5) Express your emotions. Be open and communicate with your spouse about your needs. If your emotions and stress stem from the addiction, express to your spouse what you feel. That is really hard and scary. But you have to be open for a few reasons. If you're not open, your spouse actually may not have a clue how you really feel. I feel like that happens to me a lot because I try to be brave and supportive. He has to know how I feel and what my boundaries are or else I get taken advantage of (even if he is not intentionally taking advantage of me). For my emotional safety, I have established a norm of open communication about emotion in our relationship. It has really helped me so I don't feel that stupid guilt when I feel certain emotions but he doesn't know. Seriously you guys, I used to feel so guilty when I would feel the negative emotions that are totally NORMAL for our situation. I always tried to be supportive and loving and focus on meeting his needs and fixing his emotions so he would be happy. I thought if he was happy, I was happy. Not so. I have to focus on me and my emotional needs. Expressing it to him has to be done for my healing. 

6) Reach outside yourself. Giving service is healing. I've been given multiple priesthood blessings where I was told that my sensitivity because of my experiences will prove to be something that allows me to recognize and acknowledge pain in others. It's true, and I think that's true for all of us. When you have suffered to a certain degree, you can see the suffering in others.you recognize it because you've been there. So, use that gift to help others heal. Give service. Find ways you can reach out to others and make a difference. I promise looking outside your own difficult emotions will prove to be a healing balm for those very emotions that are so hard to deal with.

Emotions are tough. Even if it's not about addiction, emotions are tough. We all have our trials. Some are trials through fire, and they are HARD. But thankfully, we can all help each other. And we have a Father and Christ to lean on, who give us courage and strength. 

I'm praying for you beautiful readers. I know many of us are hitting hard times together. We can do this. YOU can do this. 

I love you :)