The Power of Choice

I have a document where I post my favorite recovery quotes and scriptures as I come across ones that hit me on a particular day. Today, I started reading through it and was struck by one word in a particular scripture:

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27)

Let implies that I have some kind of power--that I have the power to let my heart be troubled or to let my heart be afraid. On the other side of that, I have the power to let my heart be filled with the peace that Christ offers, which would replace the troubles and fears.

Let is a powerful word.

As I pondered this idea, I thought of a lot of things. So many times, I've let negative emotions hang with me. I've gotten to the point in my recovery where I do recognize my own conscious choices to stay angry or negative because of certain things. Granted, there was a time when I felt controlled by my emotions. And sometimes I still feel controlled by my emotions. But there is a huge power in my relationship with Christ and my recovery. Because of my journey to healing, I really can identify my emotions and choose how to deal with them. That's something I've learned how to do.

Sometimes I choose to be angry and bitter. And I will admit sometimes that choice is to make Ben suffer because of how I have suffered. But sometimes that choice is simply because I can't find the light at that time (or possibly refuse to see the light?).

Sometimes I choose to process my emotions in healthy ways rather than letting myself be bitter and angry. When I process and take the time for self-care, I am much happier. And I'm finally getting to the point where I would like to choose to be happy rather than wallow in self-pity and anger (that place is wobbly for me--it comes and goes).

This week I've been swallowed in many fears. I know deep down, however, that no matter what, Christ has my back and I will not be miserable for eternity. I also know I will be happy no matter what--no matter the outcome of this addiction in my marriage.

Christ has given me peace and light so many times. Sometimes I choose to ignore that (and like I said, sometimes I do just feel controlled by emotion because of the situation), but I also know I can choose to  "let not [my] heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Just Keep Swimming

I'm moving tomorrow.
I don't currently have a fitness center or gym in TX where I know I can go swim.
I HAVE to swim. I have too many physical issues to do any other type of exercise consistently. So swimming is where it's at for me.

This morning, I went to my fitness center for one last swim. I don't know when I will get to swim again (hopefully soon, but I honestly don't know. We may not be able to pay for a gym right now). As I got into the water and swam a few strokes, I thought, I'm going to swim a mile today.

The last time I swam a mile was last summer. Since school started, I haven't been able to exercise consistently, although I have been fairly consistent over the past month. Usually I swim 15-20 laps. A mile is 33. But both my body and my brain were feeling a mile this morning, so during my first lap, I allowed myself to commit to one whole mile.

Ouch.

By the third lap, I was seriously questioning myself. I'm only on the third lap, I thought. I don't have to do a mile. I can change my mind. But then I thought if I changed my mind, after committing to one mile, I would be a chicken and a failure. I really wanted to swim a mile. But I was afraid.

I'm really good at chickening out of things lately. I've been in so much pain that I always fear anything else might push me over the edge. When my arms started burning (thanks to my Jillian Michaels workout I did yesterday) during my third lap, I wanted to recommit to just 15 laps. But I told myself no. I put myself in a rhythm and focused on my form. I focused on my strokes, my breathing, and the way my body was turning. My goggles fogged up, and I didn't even stop to un-fog them. I just kept swimming, focusing, and breathing.

I started out with a rhythm of four freestyle laps followed by one breaststroke. I figured by breaking it up into sets of five laps, my body would be able to rhythmically glide through my 33 laps. After 10 laps, however, I kind of wanted to die. So, I changed the plan and swam with my usual rhythm of two free followed by one breaststroke (sets of 3). It was a little different course that I had intended, but it still worked.

After 20 laps with no break, my breathing became very heavy. I could feel sweat pouring off my face into the water around me. I was so hot. And so thirsty. Get to 25 and then take a break. After 25 you can refuel and continue on. 

By lap 22, I felt like I was swimming in mud. My arms were on fire, and I could barely pull myself forward. (Note that I have never in my entire life swam 25 laps with no breaks.)

Stroke stroke stroke breathe. Stroke stroke stroke breathe.

Whenever I felt like giving up, I focused on my body movements. I focused on keeping my form perfect. I allowed myself to slow down and do it right rather than let my body get crazy and roll into a form that could hurt me (I've hurt my back and neck by allowing myself to swim with poor form).

Lap 25: break. I stopped to refuel and replenish my energy, then I continued. The final eight laps were so easy, but so hard. I kept telling myself I could do it. I imagined my best friends cheering me on around me. I did a little dance in my head, and I literally felt angels around me cheering me on.

I'm so glad I finished my mile. I did it. I DID IT!!!

The entire time I swam, I thought of the many parallels that swim had to my own life.

Sometimes I go to fast or try to fall into a rhythm that doesn't really work. When that rhythm doesn't work, I'm tempted to just give up or cut my journey short (lap 10). Instead, I need to just change what I'm doing a little bit so I have the energy I need to keep going. It's much easier to swim two free, one breaststroke than four free, one breaststroke. But in the beginning I chose the harder rhythm because I thought I could do it that way, and I wanted to be awesome. I didn't have the strength, so I needed to change course to something that I did have strength for.

Sometimes I feel like I'm swimming in mud. Sometimes life gets me so down, and everything just feels so hard that I want to quit. I want to run away and hide. I want to scream and throw tantrums. I want to break things and cry. That's the sign that I need to slow down and find a stopping point to refuel. We all need that. And each person is individual--some of us may need more time to refuel than others. Some of us may need different types of self-care than others. Even in my own life, I've seen how at different times, I may need more self-care than other times. Like now. Right now, I need self-care. I need to stop and refuel, and I am doing that by quitting my job and moving to Texas.

Even after we stop and refuel, sometimes it's still hard. But we have angels on our sides supporting us. We have friends and family cheering us on. And most importantly, we have God. I didn't have to swim a mile, but I really wanted to. God knew how important it was to me, and I know He blessed me with the ability to have the mental strength I needed to conquer that mile. I could have quit. But I saw that I was learning an important life lesson about my own strength and ability to choose my fate. And I chose to keep swimming.

I've felt many times in this horrible mess that is my life that I don't have power or control over what is going on. I have felt Satan seriously attacking me, and at times, I have felt controlled by Him. I have felt lost and alone, and I have had no desire to go on.

But I choose to go on. I choose to recognize when things are out of control. I choose to turn to God, even when the darkness is so thick that I can't seem to find Him. I choose my reactions to my husband's addiction. I choose my recovery. I choose to pray. I choose to study my scriptures. I choose to have faith. I choose to have hope. That is me choosing to focus on form. When things are really out of control, I only need to focus on the basics to get me through. I don't need anything crazy--just breathing, focusing, and the desire to go on.

There is so much power in our choices. 

Choose to keep swimming. When the going gets tough, remember that you are strong. If you don't feel strong, remember that God is strong, and He is by your side. Maybe the mud is too thick, and that's why you can't see Him. But eventually you will find your way out of that black mudhole and find Him. Focus on your form. Breathe. Replenish. Refuel.

Just keep swimming. 

Sometimes I'm like Lot's Wife

There are definitely a lot of differences between me and Lot's wife. However, I watched this video today, and there were quite a few parallels that made me think.

Lately, while muddling through the storm of addiction, I can't help but look back. I look back on personal revelation given about marrying Ben and I remind myself that we are supposed to be together. I look back on what we once had, or what I thought we had until lies penetrated our marriage. I long for things as they were or as they should be in my imaginary, fairy tale life. I look back and see the progress we have made. I look back and see how little has been accomplished in the grand scheme of things.

I look back and long for change.

I yearn to go back to what once was (or should have been?).

Isn't that what Lot's wife did?

As I yearn for what once was, I am in a sort of denial about things as they are.

I have to stop looking back. I know it's only normal in my case because of the betrayal trauma, but looking back won't make changes for the future. All looking back does is make me depressed and irritable. I have to look forward to the future. I have to address what is going on now and do what I can to make changes for a better future. I have to hope for what can be and do hard things now. I'm realizing now that things have to get harder before they can even remotely get better.

Things are way different than I ever imagined they could be. There are changes I'm considering making in my life that I thought I would never consider. But it's my life. It's all a result of what is going on now, and I can't change the now. I can't change anything to be like what it was no matter how hard I try or desire to.

All I can do now is follow the Spirit and keep Christ close to my heart. As I do so, I will be led to the Lord's will. I must follow His will and not look back. If I make some of the changes I'm considering (if they indeed prove to be the Lord's will), things will get incredibly hard. If I make those changes, do I have the faith to follow the Lord and not look back yearning for a time when things were seemed easier?

I know that this trial being a part of my life is not my fault. I'm just here, and I have to make the most of it. I have choice: I can accept this as the plan and use the circumstances to better myself and draw closer to Christ, or I can keep trying to live in the past while what is really happening creates a falling apart of life all around me while I live in la la land wishing for something different.

My mind keeps going to lyrics of one of my recovery songs, "Better Promises" by Hilary Weeks (from her album, Say Love):

I thought maybe you had forgotten me,

And I wondered if you listened when I prayed.

Seemed like everything I was asking for

Stayed hidden behind heaven's doors,

And I was losing faith.

I can see now as I look back,

Now that the tears have passed.

You gave me bread,

But I thought it was a stone,

And before you could tell me yes,

You had to tell me no.

If you had given me what I wanted,

I would not have seen

That you had better promises for me.

It took some time to convince me

To trust your plan and see things your way.

It was hard to trade what I wanted most

For promises that were still unknown,

And my heart was about to break.

Sometimes it's hard to recognize

The blessings that come in disguise.

You gave me bread,

But I thought it was a stone,

And before you could tell me yes,

You had to tell me no.

If you had given me what I wanted,

I would not have seen

That you had better promises for me.

And I can see now as I look back,

Now that the tears have passed.

You gave me bread,

But I thought it was a stone,

And before you could tell me yes,

You had to tell me no.

If you had given me what I wanted,

If you had sheltered me from the pain,

If you had let me settle for something less,

I would not have seen

That you had better promises for me.

**For more reference on Lot's wife, this speech is a really good one. Pray, read it, and let the revelation come to you for what you might be looking back on. I hope we can all be courageous to stand strong and look forward with a hope in what God has in store for us.

"The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind." --Jeffrey R. Holland, "Remember Lot's Wife"

Soul-Searching Through Step 10

Credit

Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff, and I've needed to look inside myself and dig deep to find answers and solutions. And to stop being lazy and fearful.

My husband is 17 days sober. And counting.

That’s good.

That’s great!

But, I still feel weird.

When the addiction was hitting rather heavy, it was hard for me to face it. It was difficult for me to cope, so I turned to my easiest coping method: to pretend like it’s not happening. Not that I do that…But seriously, it’s much easier to let it be addressed (his confession/my questions) and then just move on without letting it ruin things. I hate it when the addiction ruins things! The problem is, I tend to move on too quickly--before I’ve allowed the emotions to run their course. And that ruins things. Like right now how I'm still feeling weird. I am trying to let my emotions run their course because 17 days ago when we had our last d-day, I ignored it. Actually I was strong for him, and then strong for me, and that is how I ignored it. Anyway, now it's just bottled up pain that has become more fermented with time.

I don’t want to feel pain. I don’t want this to be hurting our relationship. I don’t want to not want to have sex because that is a critical step in the baby-making process. And I certainly don’t want any months to go by with a chosen lack of fetus because I chose not to have sex (already a few chosen months have passed by, which is why I'm so emotional about it right now). My body is infertile enough without the addiction in the equation to add more un-pregnant months.

I don’t want these problems.

When he tells me he slips up, I feel sad. I feel hurt. But I also know he feels bad, and I don’t want him to feel worse and slip up again, so I shove it all down. Sometimes, I just don’t even have the time to deal with my emotions, so I shove it down and play pretend-happy. Or at least pretend-survival. The past few weeks have been crazy at school and we just moved. I don’t have time to deal with addiction problems. So, naturally, I let the emotions sit. I think I’ve dealt with them because I have acknowledged the emotions, but I haven’t dealt with them at all. They fester . They boil. They explode. I get depressed. And then I don’t know what to do.

I need to take my own emotion advice. That post I wrote about emotions? That was me processing. I was coaching myself on how to deal with things. And then, after I wrote it, I had to move on because things were so crazy busy.

It’s a horrible cycle. I totally know I’m doing it to myself, but I just keep on doing it because I’m getting so maxed out in every aspect of my life that I don’t know what else to do.

I need a vacation from life. I don’t even need to go anywhere special. I just need a break.

I’ve been stuck on step 10 for a little while. Because I haven’t had time or motivation to do daily accountability. So, I know I’m on step 10, and I don’t hold myself accountable. I just don’t. It’s too hard and depressing. I’ve seen myself slowly falling into old, bad habits. I’ve started being a little judgmental and saying kind of harsh things. I’m seeing the old me that didn’t cope with things well. I know that’s okay because I know I’m not perfect and I don’t have to be. But, it’s rather depressing to see the things I’ve tried to ditch resurfacing.

I hit a sort of breaking point this past week, though. By the end of the week at school, I wanted to kill everyone (not literally…sheesh!). I cried. A lot. I even cried at the stinkin' airport. In public. I didn’t even care anymore. I was just embracing my emotions.

I finally read through step 10 again. I have been pushing it off because I’m afraid to start holding myself accountable for anything—my actions, acknowledging my emotions, my thoughts, my motivations, my intents, my desires. I’m afraid to hold myself accountable because I’m a perfectionist. And because it’s kind nice to fall into Satan’s traps and feel like there is no hope? Yeah, right. That’s why I decided to get back into the swing of things. I chose depression (kind of), so I chose to un-choose depression.

Picking up my manual and reading through step 10 was one of the best things I could have done for myself right now.

I was reminded I need self-care. Self-care is important. I need to meet my needs. Yes, my students are important. My job is important. My family (as in mom/dad/siblings) is important. My husband is important. But you know what? I’M IMPORTANT TOO! My needs must be met just as much as anyone else’s. Maybe even more. You know how when you’re on an airplane, they go through the safety-demo and make sure everyone knows that if there is an emergency, YOU should put on your oxygen mask before helping anyone else? If you die, who is going to help all of them? That’s the way I see it. I have to meet my needs because if I die/fall apart/have a nervous breakdown, there will be no me to meet all of those needs that are currently being met by me.

I do a lot. I am stretched thin in so many directions. Sometimes I wonder how the world would revolve without me (although, to be honest, it would totally revolve without me). I give of myself constantly. I try to serve and make everyone happy. I give so much that I should be made up of negative matter—my body should warp into some other dimension or something.

I need self-care. My daily accountability? To check and make sure that I’m taking care of myself. That does include things like watching for pride and asking God to replace my negative thoughts with His peace.

I was also reminded in my study of step 10 that I will make mistakes. But that’s okay because it is normal, it’s a part of life, and my Savior has taken my mistakes upon Himself. I can turn them over to Him. I’ve done it before.

Isn’t it funny how this is so cyclical? I know with each cycle, I am growing. My growth is becoming deeper. But still. It’s such a cycle. I love/hate it. At least the fact that it’s a cycle means I’ve already gone through this, on some level, and I can give myself advice on how to get through it.

But you can also interject and give me advice if necessary.

Remember, self-care. Don’t stop taking care of yourself like I did. Read your scriptures. Pray. And do some crafts or something! (but seriously.)

I am not a failure.

Satan is a trickster. A master trickster.

I've been feeling down lately. I'm supposed to be working on step 10, but let's be honest here, I barely have time to read my scriptures and pray. My strength feels like it's waning. I am working on step 10, in my own way. Every day, I try to hold myself accountable to the things I've learned and know I should be doing. I try to check myself for anger and impatience and all the little things that result. The problem is I don't like what I'm seeing in myself every day.

Things have just been hard. My life isn't bad, by any means, but Satan would like me to think that. With the move, stresses and responsibilities at school, and a few other factors, my life is hectic. It's becoming a little too much to bear. Slowly, I've started spending less and less time studying my scriptures and pondering the words of prophets--thinking God will understand. After all, everything I do is because I'm trying to do His will. I am a servant in many aspects of my life. However, I'm not fully taking care of me and my physical and spiritual needs, which is clearly having a negative impact.

The less I have studied my scriptures, the more angry I have become. The past few weeks my scripture reading has been daily, but very minimal. During the summer, I joyfully studied approximately an hour every day, wrote in my blog, and did other things for my healing. Now, I study five to ten minutes a day if I'm lucky. Sometimes it's joyful, and sometimes it's totally forced. Sometimes it's a very quick verse, a short pick-me-up that is needed, but I'm finding that's not enough.

With all the crazy happening in my life, I've been angry and irritable. Impatient and unkind. It's not me. I know it's not me. It's not who I'm meant to be. Then I get depressed, and there is a downward spiral.
Last night, I almost didn't read my five minutes of scriptures because I felt unworthy. I felt so crazy, so bombarded with life, and so angry, that I felt UNWORTHY to open up my scriptures and turn to God for help. I felt unworthy to pray. I felt like a failure because I haven't been able to control my anger and impatience lately. I think I cried myself to sleep.

I. Am. Not. A. Failure. I'm just not. I'm not unworthy to turn to God. Why? Because I'm His daughter, a princess preparing to become a queen. Because He loves me. And, guess what? I don't have to control my anger and impatience. I do have some control, but I also know when Satan is pressuring me so much that things are beyond my control. This is one of those times.

I can turn this over to God. I have no need to be ashamed for the things I have said and done this week anymore. I simply need to repent and move on. I need to forgive my husband and try to trust again. I need to enforce my boundaries in a loving, caring way--not in a scared, angry, out of control way.

I want to be ready to do this. I kind of don't know if I can, but I want to be me again. So many pieces of me are missing--lost under the dark abyss of anger and impatience. I'm going to find those pieces of me. I'm going to live and be beautiful.

I am NOT a failure.

Credit

The choice to make it a good day

I woke up tired. I was immediately stressed out. I'm always tired. I always have stress. And I woke up late.

The old me would have just faced the fact that my day was shot. The new me, who is trying to change her heart, decided it could still be a good day. I don't look my prettiest today at work. I am tired and have lots to do. But I'm trying to pray more and not let the darkness overtake me. That darkness is threatening and looming over me, but it will not beat me today!

It's going to be a good day. Just making that choice on my way to work has helped me feel peace because I'm not even allowing Satan the option to ruin my day. Look out Satan, I'm up, and I'm ready to destroy your day :)

Blessings and Beauty

When I first learned about my husband's addiction, I was in denial. I didn't want to admit that this was happening to me. And I fell into one of the falsehoods about addiction. I believed that my husband could just stop if he loved me enough. Doesn't that make sense? If he loved me enough, he could just picture my face and just stop. It should be enough to prevent him from slipping up (again and again), right?

Well, that didn't work. Of course it doesn't work that way! There are so many chemical things going on with the brain of someone who has an addiction. And there are so many triggers, that after 13 years of addiction, they can happen subconsciously.And you can't just stop, no matter how hard you try, and no matter how much you love someone and don't want to hurt them anymore.

I quickly learned that my role as a wife is so much more than I expected. I'm not just a wife (no one is). I'm a supporter, comforter, example, strength, anchor, and much more. And I was no longer the same. At times I was bitterly depressed. Other times I tried to escape and pretend it wasn't happening. I tried to deny the truth. But deep down, I felt like my marriage was falling apart. I felt like my marriage had been a lie. I felt like there was no hope.Then, at times, I felt so bogged down with how much I had to carry, to be the spiritual strength to us both, that I wanted to crawl in a hole and sleep till he was all repented and forgiven and free of this evil.

At some point I realized I had a choice: I could either live to be depressed and blame everything on my husband or try to live to be me, and I am not a depressed or bitter person. So, I chose to try to be me again. I chose to try to trust my husband and be happy and make our marriage work. I had to keep choosing that because he kept slipping up. And lying to me about it. And then came more anger and depression and lack of trust. But by making the choice to trust him, and he knowing he had to earn that trust, eventually the really hard phase passed. (and today, I trust him fully. We have a very open relationship about it. I can happen!)

Granted, I realized that choice after a long time. Until I realized that (and even after, as I said above), we suffered. A lot. And those hardships are between us and the Lord. But guess what? The only thing I think of when I look back on all the pain and depression is how incredibly blessed I am to have experienced it. Yeah. :) Because of all the things I have learned, the strength I have gained, and how much closer I am to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

At times, I really struggled. I was mad that this happened because it was so hard and so painful, and I didn't understand why it happened to me. I also didn't understand why God would give me the spiritual confirmation to marry my husband when He knew this was going to happen. Why not tell me he was not worthy of me so I could be spared all this grief? So many questions like that ran through my head. All the time. For a long time. Well, I have news for all of you who may ask yourself those questions too, for whatever reason. God knows the plan. God knows the end from the beginning. God knows what our divine potential is, and He gives us experiences to help us achieve it.
I read somewhere that one of the blessings of a fiery trial is the development of a Christlike compassion and ability to see and help others in need. That is definitely a blessing I have received. And I have learned so much more.

Did you know that not all of our trials happen because of someone's agency? There are two kinds of trials (maybe more, but these are the two I have discovered): one type is the trial that happens because someone used their agency stupidly. Like getting hit by a drunk driver or something.The drunk driver used agency to drink and then drive, and you getting hit would the direct result of that person's poor use of agency. I'm glad that hasn't happened to me. The other kind is the trial that happens just because it's life, and God wants to see how you can handle it. He will never give you something more than you can handle. But if you think it's more than you can handle, that is when you have your agency to handle it well (or not well). Do you turn to God and the Savior to get through it? Or do you become bitter and hateful because life isn't fair? Life is so fair. Why? Because God gives us exactly what we need to become exactly who we need to become. It really wouldn't be fair if I had all these hard trials and opportunities to grow stronger but you had an easy life, would it? Because you would never grow strong like I get to, and that really wouldn't be fair. Because with the strength from this trial, along with the others I am facing (which is a whole other story), I am growing. I am becoming more like the woman God wants me to be. And, really, I wouldn't trade this trial, or any of my trials (I have to keep telling myself that when new ones pop up), for the world. We are all faced with fiery trials. What may seem like a fiery trial to me may not seem so to you, but what may seem fiery to you may not seem so to me. God gives us what we need. We can't choose what happens to us, but we certainly choose how we react to any situation. And God, in his fairness and mercy, extends fiery trials to each of us, so we can use our agency to come back to Him. That is the ultimate goal.

Speaking of fiery trials, I met a woman who came to my support group because one of her friends told her how amazing it is. This woman's husband had passed away, and she became so depressed that she was suicidal. Something she said really hit me and made me change my perspective about my  fiery trial. I was attending a support group specific to female spouses of pornography and other sexual addicts. She said, "I'd give anything to have my husband back with me, even with a horrible pornography addiction." Talk about perspective. One of my biggest fears is my husband dying. And when she said that my heart stopped, and I was like whoa. Heck yes I'd rather have him here with me, alive and kickin', than dead.

I met this woman while she was suicidal. And I saw the growth and changes that happened in her life as she drew closer to Christ and attended the 12-step program in my support group. It was beautiful, the growth I saw her make. And the growth I have made is beautiful. I feel beautiful. I feel like a daughter of God. I feel like everywhere around me, I see beauty (except when I am depressed, which still does happen sometimes, but not nearly as often). I see beauty because I have gained beauty within as I have drawn closer to Christ, and I am better at seeing things as He sees them.

I am excited to continue sharing my life with you, whoever is reading this.
Feel free to email me at alma3441@gmail.com if you have any questions.