I decided it's time to start the 12 Steps over (we're on round 3!). This time, I'm sticking to the Healing Through Christ manual rather than the LDS manual.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I believe in using the 12 Steps to help with healing. In my experience, I have been able to draw closer to the Savior through the 12 Steps. They teach basic principles about turning your will over to God and living as a disciple of Christ.
I've been suffering with anger and depression a lot lately. I don't like that. I've also been wrapped up in hurt and blaming Ben for things. I don't like that either.
There was a time when I felt really grounded as I dealt with the addiction. Granted, I didn't understand or know nearly as much as I do now, and maybe I was dealing with denial. But I felt good. I felt like I had faith in God and the Atonement. I was understanding the addiction and it's relationship to me. And then things spiraled over the past year. There are many reasons for that, which I don't really feel like getting into right now.
But my point is that I'm starting over with the 12 Steps. And it's been an amazing experience so far. I'm working on Step 1, and I am realizing a lot of things:
I am still holding on to the desire to control the addiction and to control our marriage.
I have been forgetting about my understanding of the addiction. But I also can't let the "addiction" be an excuse for him to act out. I am still trying to find that line between agency and the power of the addiction.
I haven't been praying or turning things over to God as much as I should be.
I might be taking the addiction a little too personally. I am trying to let go of that.
I need to take care of myself: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've been practicing identifying my needs and taking care of them.
I am realizing that I haven't been dealing with my negative emotions properly. I am trying to identify their roots and remember that it's part of the process and nothing to feel guilt or shame about.
I am realizing that I have not been giving myself what I need to heal. Sometimes, that means time. I need to put less focus on healing within a time frame. I need to stop "should"ing myself.
I am recognizing some unhealthy behaviors I am using to deal with the addiction and attempting to lessen those behaviors.
I haven't finished my Step 1 study and processing yet, but I am excited for the revelations and peace it has brought me.
I'm getting a stress headache right now. So, I will end.
Onward and upward to healing!
Showing posts with label 12 steps. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 12 steps. Show all posts
Monday, June 9, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
Maintaining My Recovery
The group I attend in Texas is on Sunday nights. I don't really love that because I always selfishly want Sundays to be about spending more time with Ben...but I determined that I would attend group here regularly. Because I need to. I really need to, and I recognize that. (insert exasperated sigh) It's just so easy to come up with excuses not to go, and the fact that it's on Sunday is one of those easy excuses. "I need time with Ben. I'm healing my marriage," is one of the tricks Satan uses to talk me out of going. That, and yesterday, there was the fact that it was Easter.
I went back and forth all day about going to group or not. Because it was Easter. "There might not be many people there. Or maybe it's supposed to be cancelled, but they forgot to tell us last week. So I'll drive 25 minutes and the church will be locked." Excuses, excuses. Then, Ben was having a hard time, and I co-dependently wanted him to tell me he needed me to stay home so I could use that as an excuse. Except when I realized I was not being true to myself, I took a moment to really think about why I didn't want to go to group. The plain and simple truth was that I was afraid of going because it's still a new group. And I was being lazy because it's a 25 minute drive. So I said a little prayer in my heart asking for guidance, and I felt like I needed to be there.
I needed to be there, and I'm so glad I went. There was no better way that I could have honored Christ on the Sabbath, and especially on Easter.
One reason I needed to be there was because we had a new attendee. It was her first group experience EVER, as she had discovered the porn just a week ago. I was able to have a really good conversation with her and bear testimony of the hand of God in my life--my recovery, my husband's recovery, and OUR recovery. I was able to bear testimony of so much, and it was a really powerful experience for me (and I hope it was for her as well).
Another reason I needed to be there was because we studied step 10--my favorite. Well, they are all my favorites, but step 10 was my favorite last night.
I love step 10 because it is a gentle reminder and application of ALL THE STEPS. It's a reminder that we need to hold ourselves accountable on a daily basis.
I kind of stopped working the steps because I was really depressed. And, I'll be honest, I really struggled with my group in Arkansas because it was so small and I felt like I wasn't getting much out of it. I was just in a bad place and had a hard time finding my way out.
The "bad place" comes and goes. I really fought it last week. Bad. It was a chore to get up and get dressed every day. I counted the fact that I woke up as an accomplishment. And if I did the dishes or made dinner it was an accomplishment. Sometimes we have weeks like that, and we really need them. I know I am mourning and grieving still, and it was necessary for me to have that time last week to process. I don't regret needing that time to process or feel depressed. But I did behave in ways, on occasion, that were mean. I use depression and PMS as an excuse to be mean, and it's not okay. SO...
How much different could my week have been had I been applying the 12 steps?
I know the 12 steps don't always strike everyone's hearts like they do mine, but I have a firm testimony in them. It is my personal belief that no matter what you say, we all need and use the 12 steps (it's a powerful tool to recovery when combined with the other tools out there. I certainly don't think there is any one way for anybody to recover). Even if it's subconscious. I mean, the only true way to "come unto Christ and be perfected in Him" is through the process of understanding that we are not in control of our lives, hoping in God's power to restore us to complete spiritual health, deciding to turn our life over to Him, experiencing a change of heart, being humble, seeking forgiveness and repentance, practicing the principles of the gospel on a daily basis, seeking and carrying out the Lord's will in our lives, and giving service. No matter what your circumstance may be.
I am very familiar with the pattern of the 12 steps. I am familiar with the message and power they give me. I am familiar with the process of carrying them out, and yet I still forget about them. More especially, I still forget about daily accountability.
I was reminded recently (in a church talk or lesson? The book I just finished reading? I don't know) that Jesus Christ is supposed to be my best friend. I need to be turning to Him before I turn anywhere else. When I am struggling with the depression, pain, anxiety, and grieving that has been caused by this addiction, I need to turn to Him first. I have many ways of processing, but when I humble myself and ask for His help, I always pull out of the depression faster. Always. And that should really be the first step I take to get out of the "rut." Sometimes it takes me days before I turn to Him because I still harbor that pride saying, "I can do this on my own." Sometimes it takes me hours. Sometimes I know I need to be humble, so I will attempt humility, but it's not truly in my heart (which doesn't work that well, but does work better than no attempt at all). Regardless, I know without a doubt that God has always heard and answered my prayers when I turn to Him humbly with full purpose of heart.
That brings me back to my question: How much different could my week have been had I been applying the 12 steps? Specifically Step 10: Daily Accountability?
As we studied and discussed this chapter last night, it was like a nice slap in the face. It was a gentle reminder of truths I desperately needed to hear. It was full of guidance I need for future weeks:
"The first nine steps helped you learn a pattern of life based on spiritual principles. These principles now become the foundation on which you build for the rest of your life...The final three steps will help you maintain your new spiritually minded way of life, so they are often called the maintenance steps."
"Self-evaluation..."
"...maintaining a mighty change of heart takes effort."
"To retain what you have gained, you must stay in fit spiritual condition."
"Continue to watch for pride in all its forms, and humbly take your weaknesses to your Heavenly Father."
"If you feel worried, self-pitying, trouble, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful in any way, turn immediately to the Father and allow Him to replace these thoughts with peace."
I need to ask Heavenly Father to remove my negative thoughts and feelings.
I need to examine my motives. And sometimes they are not pure. Sometimes I am manipulative. Because I'm hurting.
Am I taking care of my basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? (Self care! Boom!)
Do I serve others?
I need to be alert for old thinking patterns and behaviors during highly stressful situations.
"The Lord has all power. I'll relax and trust Him."
"Cast aside pride and remind yourself that sincerely saying 'I was wrong' is often just as important in healing a relationship as saying 'I love you.'" This especially applies to me--because, believe it or not, I do enough wrong in our relationship. And I harbor lots of pride because Ben is the one who should be apologizing to me regularly, right? Nope. I still need to recognize what I am doing wrong.
Before I go to bed, I need to examine my entire day and counsel with the Lord.
I will continue to make mistakes, but by committing to step 10, I am committing to take full responsibility for my mistakes.
I can't just sit back and ride along. If I live my life that way, I won't get very far. Sitting back for the ride has its place and is necessary sometimes, but I'm getting to the point where sitting back and riding the emotions isn't going to cut it much longer. It's certainly been helpful, and I know I will still need that practice at times in the future, but I need to make serious effort to living my life the way it needs to be lived or my recovery and healing. I need to adhere to the principles I know will bring me to Christ. I need to maintain my recovery. To do that, I need self-evaluation. I need humility and repentance. I need to stay in "fit spiritual condition." And humility. I need to turn to the Father and allow Him to replace my negative thoughts with peace. I need self-care. And service. I need to be alert. And trust God. I need to counsel with God--morning and evening. I need to bring Him into my life like He is my best friend.
All of this is easier said than done. But I'm working on wholehearted healing, people! These are the things I need to be doing to experience true healing and a closer relationship with my Savior.
Right now I'm full of light, hope, and energy. I know it changes daily--sometimes hourly. It's all part of the healing process. But these days, I am finding more hope and light than despair and darkness. I hope to keep it that way. And I can--if I follow the maintenance steps, which basically means I follow all the steps. And live with them close to my heart. Daily.
I went back and forth all day about going to group or not. Because it was Easter. "There might not be many people there. Or maybe it's supposed to be cancelled, but they forgot to tell us last week. So I'll drive 25 minutes and the church will be locked." Excuses, excuses. Then, Ben was having a hard time, and I co-dependently wanted him to tell me he needed me to stay home so I could use that as an excuse. Except when I realized I was not being true to myself, I took a moment to really think about why I didn't want to go to group. The plain and simple truth was that I was afraid of going because it's still a new group. And I was being lazy because it's a 25 minute drive. So I said a little prayer in my heart asking for guidance, and I felt like I needed to be there.
I needed to be there, and I'm so glad I went. There was no better way that I could have honored Christ on the Sabbath, and especially on Easter.
One reason I needed to be there was because we had a new attendee. It was her first group experience EVER, as she had discovered the porn just a week ago. I was able to have a really good conversation with her and bear testimony of the hand of God in my life--my recovery, my husband's recovery, and OUR recovery. I was able to bear testimony of so much, and it was a really powerful experience for me (and I hope it was for her as well).
Another reason I needed to be there was because we studied step 10--my favorite. Well, they are all my favorites, but step 10 was my favorite last night.
I love step 10 because it is a gentle reminder and application of ALL THE STEPS. It's a reminder that we need to hold ourselves accountable on a daily basis.
I kind of stopped working the steps because I was really depressed. And, I'll be honest, I really struggled with my group in Arkansas because it was so small and I felt like I wasn't getting much out of it. I was just in a bad place and had a hard time finding my way out.
The "bad place" comes and goes. I really fought it last week. Bad. It was a chore to get up and get dressed every day. I counted the fact that I woke up as an accomplishment. And if I did the dishes or made dinner it was an accomplishment. Sometimes we have weeks like that, and we really need them. I know I am mourning and grieving still, and it was necessary for me to have that time last week to process. I don't regret needing that time to process or feel depressed. But I did behave in ways, on occasion, that were mean. I use depression and PMS as an excuse to be mean, and it's not okay. SO...
How much different could my week have been had I been applying the 12 steps?
I know the 12 steps don't always strike everyone's hearts like they do mine, but I have a firm testimony in them. It is my personal belief that no matter what you say, we all need and use the 12 steps (it's a powerful tool to recovery when combined with the other tools out there. I certainly don't think there is any one way for anybody to recover). Even if it's subconscious. I mean, the only true way to "come unto Christ and be perfected in Him" is through the process of understanding that we are not in control of our lives, hoping in God's power to restore us to complete spiritual health, deciding to turn our life over to Him, experiencing a change of heart, being humble, seeking forgiveness and repentance, practicing the principles of the gospel on a daily basis, seeking and carrying out the Lord's will in our lives, and giving service. No matter what your circumstance may be.
I am very familiar with the pattern of the 12 steps. I am familiar with the message and power they give me. I am familiar with the process of carrying them out, and yet I still forget about them. More especially, I still forget about daily accountability.
I was reminded recently (in a church talk or lesson? The book I just finished reading? I don't know) that Jesus Christ is supposed to be my best friend. I need to be turning to Him before I turn anywhere else. When I am struggling with the depression, pain, anxiety, and grieving that has been caused by this addiction, I need to turn to Him first. I have many ways of processing, but when I humble myself and ask for His help, I always pull out of the depression faster. Always. And that should really be the first step I take to get out of the "rut." Sometimes it takes me days before I turn to Him because I still harbor that pride saying, "I can do this on my own." Sometimes it takes me hours. Sometimes I know I need to be humble, so I will attempt humility, but it's not truly in my heart (which doesn't work that well, but does work better than no attempt at all). Regardless, I know without a doubt that God has always heard and answered my prayers when I turn to Him humbly with full purpose of heart.
That brings me back to my question: How much different could my week have been had I been applying the 12 steps? Specifically Step 10: Daily Accountability?
As we studied and discussed this chapter last night, it was like a nice slap in the face. It was a gentle reminder of truths I desperately needed to hear. It was full of guidance I need for future weeks:
"The first nine steps helped you learn a pattern of life based on spiritual principles. These principles now become the foundation on which you build for the rest of your life...The final three steps will help you maintain your new spiritually minded way of life, so they are often called the maintenance steps."
"Self-evaluation..."
"...maintaining a mighty change of heart takes effort."
"To retain what you have gained, you must stay in fit spiritual condition."
"Continue to watch for pride in all its forms, and humbly take your weaknesses to your Heavenly Father."
"If you feel worried, self-pitying, trouble, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful in any way, turn immediately to the Father and allow Him to replace these thoughts with peace."
I need to ask Heavenly Father to remove my negative thoughts and feelings.
I need to examine my motives. And sometimes they are not pure. Sometimes I am manipulative. Because I'm hurting.
Am I taking care of my basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? (Self care! Boom!)
Do I serve others?
I need to be alert for old thinking patterns and behaviors during highly stressful situations.
"The Lord has all power. I'll relax and trust Him."
"Cast aside pride and remind yourself that sincerely saying 'I was wrong' is often just as important in healing a relationship as saying 'I love you.'" This especially applies to me--because, believe it or not, I do enough wrong in our relationship. And I harbor lots of pride because Ben is the one who should be apologizing to me regularly, right? Nope. I still need to recognize what I am doing wrong.
Before I go to bed, I need to examine my entire day and counsel with the Lord.
I will continue to make mistakes, but by committing to step 10, I am committing to take full responsibility for my mistakes.
I can't just sit back and ride along. If I live my life that way, I won't get very far. Sitting back for the ride has its place and is necessary sometimes, but I'm getting to the point where sitting back and riding the emotions isn't going to cut it much longer. It's certainly been helpful, and I know I will still need that practice at times in the future, but I need to make serious effort to living my life the way it needs to be lived or my recovery and healing. I need to adhere to the principles I know will bring me to Christ. I need to maintain my recovery. To do that, I need self-evaluation. I need humility and repentance. I need to stay in "fit spiritual condition." And humility. I need to turn to the Father and allow Him to replace my negative thoughts with peace. I need self-care. And service. I need to be alert. And trust God. I need to counsel with God--morning and evening. I need to bring Him into my life like He is my best friend.
All of this is easier said than done. But I'm working on wholehearted healing, people! These are the things I need to be doing to experience true healing and a closer relationship with my Savior.
Right now I'm full of light, hope, and energy. I know it changes daily--sometimes hourly. It's all part of the healing process. But these days, I am finding more hope and light than despair and darkness. I hope to keep it that way. And I can--if I follow the maintenance steps, which basically means I follow all the steps. And live with them close to my heart. Daily.
Friday, August 2, 2013
A cause to fight for!
I'm getting into the war chapters in my personal study in Alma, and as I read, I find myself constantly relating that war to my war. I'm in a war against Satan. He is trying to destroy my land, my house, and my family. He is trying to destroy my rights and privileges, my liberty, and my agency (see Alma 43:9). He wants me to use my agency the wrong way. He wants me to be lost in darkness. He wants me to lose my rights and privileges as a daughter of God.
I don't want him to win.
This is a war I've been a part of since birth (before birth). The battles have gotten heavier in the past few years. Sometimes, I have days that I feel like Satan is beating me down. He will never win, though. Not if I fortify myself. My fortifications consist of prayer, scripture/gospel study, and meditation (along with spending time doing other things important to me and giving service).
Some days, he plants thoughts that make me question why I'm even doing the 12 steps. Or right now, why am I doing the Love Dare? He is the one who has done the serious wrongs. He is the one who needs the serious recovery. He should be love dare-ing me.
Lies. Lies lies lies! Satan wants me to think I'm not important. He wants me to think I have no role in this. He wants me to think that my healing doesn't matter, that I don't need healing because I haven't done anything wrong. We've gotten past the part where he wanted me to think this had everything to do with me: everything to do with my failures as a woman and as a wife. Now, he wants me to think this has nothing to do with. And nothing I can do will help. Nothing I can do will save our marriage. He wants me to think there is no hope. LIES! I'm important. My healing is important. And how I act has a huge impact on our marriage and the love and commitment level for us both. And there IS hope. With Christ, there is always hope.
The 12-step program is amazing. Without it guiding me to Christ, I would probably still not know how to manage my anger. I would probably still lash out irrationally. I wouldn't forgive. I would get sucked into the darkness and only see all the bad things going on in my life. Peace? It would be nonexistent.
The addiction causes trauma on the spouse. I've learned that anger is a masking emotion for that trauma. My anger happens because of all the emotions boiling up and not having an appropriate way to release them, or even a knowledge of what is happening. All the traumatic emotions have led to anger (they still lead to anger until I can evaluate and dig deep into the issue). When I've been angry, I haven't just been angry--I've been hostile, judgmental, and irrational. Underneath the anger is sadness, confusion, feelings of betrayal, and crazy (I just decided to make crazy an emotion).
There was a time when I did not know what to do. I studied my scriptures and prayed because I had the faith that I could be made whole. Other than that, I had no clue what to do. I was angry. I was inconsiderate. I was not understanding or compassionate towards Jack. Sometimes I was angry at God...
Eventually, Jack was okay with us going to the 12-step meetings, and through those meetings and my personal studies through the book, I've figured a lot of things out.
This is all in God's hands. Really. I'm drawing closer to Him and letting Him guide me. Right now, Jack and I are doing pretty awesome. That is because we have both used our agency to stay close to the Spirit and follow promptings. I know that if Jack chose to stop recovery and stop following the Spirit, things could go sour. I feel like there is always the potential of divorce in our future if there comes the time when he quits trying (if I felt like divorce was what was necessary and received that revelation, I would follow it). I also know that NO MATTER WHAT, I will be okay if I keep doing the right things: scriptures, prayer, following the Spirit. I have the capacity to receive promptings. Doing the Love Dare was a prompting, and following that prompting has really increased the love and intimacy in our marriage. There have been other promptings I have followed that have led to positive things in our marriage, and if I hadn't followed them, we would still be stuck in the same old rut.
I used to think this addiction was just his problem. And, in some ways, it totally is. But it's a part of our marriage, and I feel like I have the responsibility to do what I can to help him, to love and support him. I'm finding a balance between taking responsibility and not being unhealthily co-dependent.
Because of what I've learned through the 12 steps, I've found ways to make my weaknesses strong(er). Where I was impatient, I've discovered the ability and strength to be patient. When my anger caused me to do not-so-good things before thinking, I've been able to see clearly, think, say a silent prayer, and have the strength of the Lord to guide me to do something more healthy. Where I used to be so focused and wrapped up in myself and my pain, I've been able to look at the bigger picture and understand a little better what he is going through and his pain.
Because of these weaknesses being strengthened, I've learned how I can take responsibility. I've learned that I can't control him, but I most certainly can control me. I've learned that if I think his bad choices warrant bad choices on my part, things go very downhill. When I exercise patience, when I show him love, when I think before irrationally acting, it does us both good. It helps him feel more safe. It softens his heart, and he is better able to meet my needs too.
I don't take responsibility in the sense that I constantly spy on him and check up on him (believe me, it's always a temptation). I take responsibility in the sense that I try to nurture the good things. I hold him accountable to his responsibilities to me as his wife and as the patriarch of our family. I am responsible for myself--my actions, my thoughts, my intents.
I've taken responsibility of me. And because of that, I am healing.
Satan doesn't want me to heal. He doesn't want me to learn and grow. The closer I get to God, the more Satan pushes. Sometimes, he even lets off and then comes on really strong when I think I feel secure. He plants tiny seeds to cause doubt: doubt in myself, doubt in my God, doubt in my husband, doubt in the gospel. He tries to flip things around in my head and make me confused and give up.
I'm getting pretty good at deciphering Satan's attempts to destroy me. I'm learning to read him.
I will not let him win. I have a cause to fight for!
"In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our [husbands], and our [future] children" (Alma 46:12).
Image credits: 1, 2
I don't want him to win.
This is a war I've been a part of since birth (before birth). The battles have gotten heavier in the past few years. Sometimes, I have days that I feel like Satan is beating me down. He will never win, though. Not if I fortify myself. My fortifications consist of prayer, scripture/gospel study, and meditation (along with spending time doing other things important to me and giving service).
Some days, he plants thoughts that make me question why I'm even doing the 12 steps. Or right now, why am I doing the Love Dare? He is the one who has done the serious wrongs. He is the one who needs the serious recovery. He should be love dare-ing me.
Lies. Lies lies lies! Satan wants me to think I'm not important. He wants me to think I have no role in this. He wants me to think that my healing doesn't matter, that I don't need healing because I haven't done anything wrong. We've gotten past the part where he wanted me to think this had everything to do with me: everything to do with my failures as a woman and as a wife. Now, he wants me to think this has nothing to do with. And nothing I can do will help. Nothing I can do will save our marriage. He wants me to think there is no hope. LIES! I'm important. My healing is important. And how I act has a huge impact on our marriage and the love and commitment level for us both. And there IS hope. With Christ, there is always hope.
The 12-step program is amazing. Without it guiding me to Christ, I would probably still not know how to manage my anger. I would probably still lash out irrationally. I wouldn't forgive. I would get sucked into the darkness and only see all the bad things going on in my life. Peace? It would be nonexistent.
The addiction causes trauma on the spouse. I've learned that anger is a masking emotion for that trauma. My anger happens because of all the emotions boiling up and not having an appropriate way to release them, or even a knowledge of what is happening. All the traumatic emotions have led to anger (they still lead to anger until I can evaluate and dig deep into the issue). When I've been angry, I haven't just been angry--I've been hostile, judgmental, and irrational. Underneath the anger is sadness, confusion, feelings of betrayal, and crazy (I just decided to make crazy an emotion).
There was a time when I did not know what to do. I studied my scriptures and prayed because I had the faith that I could be made whole. Other than that, I had no clue what to do. I was angry. I was inconsiderate. I was not understanding or compassionate towards Jack. Sometimes I was angry at God...
Eventually, Jack was okay with us going to the 12-step meetings, and through those meetings and my personal studies through the book, I've figured a lot of things out.
This is all in God's hands. Really. I'm drawing closer to Him and letting Him guide me. Right now, Jack and I are doing pretty awesome. That is because we have both used our agency to stay close to the Spirit and follow promptings. I know that if Jack chose to stop recovery and stop following the Spirit, things could go sour. I feel like there is always the potential of divorce in our future if there comes the time when he quits trying (if I felt like divorce was what was necessary and received that revelation, I would follow it). I also know that NO MATTER WHAT, I will be okay if I keep doing the right things: scriptures, prayer, following the Spirit. I have the capacity to receive promptings. Doing the Love Dare was a prompting, and following that prompting has really increased the love and intimacy in our marriage. There have been other promptings I have followed that have led to positive things in our marriage, and if I hadn't followed them, we would still be stuck in the same old rut.
I used to think this addiction was just his problem. And, in some ways, it totally is. But it's a part of our marriage, and I feel like I have the responsibility to do what I can to help him, to love and support him. I'm finding a balance between taking responsibility and not being unhealthily co-dependent.
Because of what I've learned through the 12 steps, I've found ways to make my weaknesses strong(er). Where I was impatient, I've discovered the ability and strength to be patient. When my anger caused me to do not-so-good things before thinking, I've been able to see clearly, think, say a silent prayer, and have the strength of the Lord to guide me to do something more healthy. Where I used to be so focused and wrapped up in myself and my pain, I've been able to look at the bigger picture and understand a little better what he is going through and his pain.
Because of these weaknesses being strengthened, I've learned how I can take responsibility. I've learned that I can't control him, but I most certainly can control me. I've learned that if I think his bad choices warrant bad choices on my part, things go very downhill. When I exercise patience, when I show him love, when I think before irrationally acting, it does us both good. It helps him feel more safe. It softens his heart, and he is better able to meet my needs too.
I don't take responsibility in the sense that I constantly spy on him and check up on him (believe me, it's always a temptation). I take responsibility in the sense that I try to nurture the good things. I hold him accountable to his responsibilities to me as his wife and as the patriarch of our family. I am responsible for myself--my actions, my thoughts, my intents.
I've taken responsibility of me. And because of that, I am healing.
Satan doesn't want me to heal. He doesn't want me to learn and grow. The closer I get to God, the more Satan pushes. Sometimes, he even lets off and then comes on really strong when I think I feel secure. He plants tiny seeds to cause doubt: doubt in myself, doubt in my God, doubt in my husband, doubt in the gospel. He tries to flip things around in my head and make me confused and give up.
I'm getting pretty good at deciphering Satan's attempts to destroy me. I'm learning to read him.
I will not let him win. I have a cause to fight for!
"In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our [husbands], and our [future] children" (Alma 46:12).
 |
| This is my serious battle face |
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| This is my crazed battle face :) |
Image credits: 1, 2
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Patience and Kindness (Love Dare Days 1&2)
The first couple days of the Love Dare have given me a lot to think about.
First, I'm definitely glad I chose this journey for my step 9. Over the past two days, I have learned a lot about myself and my capacity to love.
When I read the first chapter and challenge, I felt a little overwhelmed. The first chapter was about patience, and the dare to go with it was to say nothing negative to your spouse all day. I know I'm not a super mean person, but I definitely have my fair share of negative statements in our marriage. In fact, I have found over the past couple of weeks that our vicious cycles of negativity and hurt form when I say something stinging, negative, and/or hurtful to Jack, and then he retaliates. Thus, the cycle has started.
The vicious cycle looks like this: Jack says/does something that irritates or hurts me (keep in mind that when I am already hurting **ahem--the past two weeks**, I am way less patient and more easily irritated). I say something mean/sarcastic back. He gets offended and starts being rude back to me. Then, I'm mad that he is mad at me when it was obviously (sarcasm) his fault. So I get mean again. He's mean again. It keeps going like that until I cry, one of us apologizes and breaks the tension. Or both. Then the cycle is broken. I know that it really would be best to just prevent the cycle, but that honestly always seems so. hard. I feel like I can't express my hurt or pain if I don't react in a way that really lets him know how I feel. And I know that is just so dumb. I always know I'm being dumb, but anger and negativity are addictive.
I know that if I can stop the first negative thing that comes out of my mouth as a reaction to the hurt or other emotions I am experiencing, the vicious cycle is prevented. That is something I have been working on as I have been trying to strengthen my weaknesses, but I just haven't quite found the best way to do it. But, this first dare helped open my eyes to what I need to do for that aspect of our relationship (thanks to God for showing me this was the way for me to go).
So, that's basically what my challenge was the first day. It actually wasn't as hard as I expected. I mean, going one day without being negative is really refreshing. It made me think about everything with open eyes and realize the little things that were irritating were not that big of a deal. Really. It was much easier than I anticipated to stop myself from saying something or reacting in a negative way.
All day long, I thought to myself how much easier it was than I expected. I also thought about how easy it would be to get back in the habit because one day isn't enough to break the bad habit of saying negative things.
The writers of the Love Dare knew that too. I was a little surprised (but I don't really know why) that the second challenge included the words, "along with saying nothing negative to your spouse..." The second day, it was a lot harder not to let the little things get to me. By eleven o'clock yesterday morning, something was really getting to me. I can't remember what it was. I just remember the feeling. I didn't know how to express myself because when I feel the way I felt yesterday, the way I express myself is through anger and negativity. But the Dare told me not to be negative. So, my response to the situation was to abruptly excuse him from the room by saying, "Well, I'm going to read my scriptures now." I read. I wrote in my journal. By the time I was finished, I had gone through my method of processing emotions, and I felt fine. I was so glad I hadn't ruined the day by negatively reacting the way I normally do. The rest of the day was cake. I don't remember any other times where I felt overwhelmed with the desire to be negative.
The other part of the challenge yesterday was kindness. I was supposed to do an unexpected act of kindness. I had no idea what to do, so throughout the day, I was on watch--looking for opportunities to serve out of kindness. I offered to make Jack lunch, but he didn't want me to (well, he wanted us to make lunch together). I even offered to sacrifice the time I had set aside to work on lesson-planning to spend the whole day with him and do whatever he wanted (it took a long time for me to come to peace with that offer because I really needed to work on lesson planning). Luckily for me and my lesson planning, he wanted to work on planning for the business he is trying to start. The act of kindness I chose was to load the dishwasher. Usually, I try to get him to help me with housework stuff. This time, I just did it. And when he tried to help, I told him I was doing it and that there wasn't room for both of us (maybe a little mean, but holy cow he wouldn't let me do anything for him yesterday!). My other act of kindness was to play all the games he wanted to in the evening. AND, I didn't even get competitive and mad when he beat me. Now, that is quite the feat for me.
Focusing on patience and kindness have really been good for me. Choosing not to be negative has taught me a lot. I don't have to be negative to express myself (I actually already knew that, but I wasn't able to break the cycle in myself yet). I can work through my emotions, and if something needs to be addressed, the time to do that is after I have processed, not in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, it just seems easier to be negative and angry, though. That's what Satan wants us to think because that is the way he works. However, I know from experience that being negative and angry only makes everything harder and worse. So, I have to be brave enough to break that cycle.
Choosing not to be negative and angry allowed more peaceful and loving feelings to dwell in my heart. I wanted to be close to him (whereas last week, I did not want to be close to him, and when he would touch me too much, I would have to *gently* say sorry I'm hurting and I just really don't want you to touch me). I wanted to touch him. Throughout the day, I felt a stronger and stronger pull of love and attraction towards him. It was a feeling that has escaped me lately. I wanted to breathe him in. I wanted to be his.
Choosing to be kind had the same effect.
I know I haven't done this on my own. From the moment I read the first chapter and felt the weight of how hard it would be (and it hasn't been easy), I had to turn back to step 1 and ask Heavenly Father for help. I knew I could not to it alone, and He would need to be there with me to help me increase in love.
When we were dating, I knew Jack wanted to marry me, and I wasn't sure about marriage. I had a someone coming home from his mission in a couple of months, someone who, for the past three years, I had planned on marrying. Then my friendship and eventual relationship with Jack put a twist on what I thought my future was. I felt bad because there were times when I knew I was leading Jack on. He liked (loved) me way more than I liked him. He was in the friend-zone, loving me, and I would have to shoot him down many times. We "broke up" from being friends quite a few times. I knew after all those times I needed him in my life. Eventually, we started dating seriously, and it got to the point where I knew we would either have to break up for good or get married, and I was so scared. For everything. I prayed so much for God to show me the way. I asked God to show me if marriage was in our path, and if it was to help me truly love Jack. Marriage was in our path. When I started praying daily for God to help me love Jack more, He did. Our love grew, and I knew without a doubt that we were supposed to get married.
I haven't asked God to help me love Jack in our marriage the way I should. I've fallen into the trap of thinking that love is just a feeling that you can fall in and out of and that the feeling of love determines my actions. I've been hurt and thought Jack needed to serve me to prove his love, and during all that, I forgot that I also need to use action to show and increase my love too. I've prayed multiple times over the past few days for God to help me love Jack better. I have been reminded that while I have been using the power of the Atonement to strengthen me in other aspects of my life, love in my marriage is something He can/needs/wants to help me with too. Through my actions and the power of the Spirit, I've discovered what love can feel like. I've felt love blossoming in my heart, and I can feel the power of what it can grow into if I keep working at it. I know this is only a slight taste of what I have felt in the past, and what I can feel as our love deepens.
It does make it easier that Jack is in recovery and that our relationship doesn't feel completely one-sided. For that, I am eternally grateful.
Today, the dare still includes not being negative. I am so hopeful :)
Also, this is one of my favorite songs about love. Just for kicks.
First, I'm definitely glad I chose this journey for my step 9. Over the past two days, I have learned a lot about myself and my capacity to love.
When I read the first chapter and challenge, I felt a little overwhelmed. The first chapter was about patience, and the dare to go with it was to say nothing negative to your spouse all day. I know I'm not a super mean person, but I definitely have my fair share of negative statements in our marriage. In fact, I have found over the past couple of weeks that our vicious cycles of negativity and hurt form when I say something stinging, negative, and/or hurtful to Jack, and then he retaliates. Thus, the cycle has started.
The vicious cycle looks like this: Jack says/does something that irritates or hurts me (keep in mind that when I am already hurting **ahem--the past two weeks**, I am way less patient and more easily irritated). I say something mean/sarcastic back. He gets offended and starts being rude back to me. Then, I'm mad that he is mad at me when it was obviously (sarcasm) his fault. So I get mean again. He's mean again. It keeps going like that until I cry, one of us apologizes and breaks the tension. Or both. Then the cycle is broken. I know that it really would be best to just prevent the cycle, but that honestly always seems so. hard. I feel like I can't express my hurt or pain if I don't react in a way that really lets him know how I feel. And I know that is just so dumb. I always know I'm being dumb, but anger and negativity are addictive.
I know that if I can stop the first negative thing that comes out of my mouth as a reaction to the hurt or other emotions I am experiencing, the vicious cycle is prevented. That is something I have been working on as I have been trying to strengthen my weaknesses, but I just haven't quite found the best way to do it. But, this first dare helped open my eyes to what I need to do for that aspect of our relationship (thanks to God for showing me this was the way for me to go).
So, that's basically what my challenge was the first day. It actually wasn't as hard as I expected. I mean, going one day without being negative is really refreshing. It made me think about everything with open eyes and realize the little things that were irritating were not that big of a deal. Really. It was much easier than I anticipated to stop myself from saying something or reacting in a negative way.
All day long, I thought to myself how much easier it was than I expected. I also thought about how easy it would be to get back in the habit because one day isn't enough to break the bad habit of saying negative things.
The writers of the Love Dare knew that too. I was a little surprised (but I don't really know why) that the second challenge included the words, "along with saying nothing negative to your spouse..." The second day, it was a lot harder not to let the little things get to me. By eleven o'clock yesterday morning, something was really getting to me. I can't remember what it was. I just remember the feeling. I didn't know how to express myself because when I feel the way I felt yesterday, the way I express myself is through anger and negativity. But the Dare told me not to be negative. So, my response to the situation was to abruptly excuse him from the room by saying, "Well, I'm going to read my scriptures now." I read. I wrote in my journal. By the time I was finished, I had gone through my method of processing emotions, and I felt fine. I was so glad I hadn't ruined the day by negatively reacting the way I normally do. The rest of the day was cake. I don't remember any other times where I felt overwhelmed with the desire to be negative.
The other part of the challenge yesterday was kindness. I was supposed to do an unexpected act of kindness. I had no idea what to do, so throughout the day, I was on watch--looking for opportunities to serve out of kindness. I offered to make Jack lunch, but he didn't want me to (well, he wanted us to make lunch together). I even offered to sacrifice the time I had set aside to work on lesson-planning to spend the whole day with him and do whatever he wanted (it took a long time for me to come to peace with that offer because I really needed to work on lesson planning). Luckily for me and my lesson planning, he wanted to work on planning for the business he is trying to start. The act of kindness I chose was to load the dishwasher. Usually, I try to get him to help me with housework stuff. This time, I just did it. And when he tried to help, I told him I was doing it and that there wasn't room for both of us (maybe a little mean, but holy cow he wouldn't let me do anything for him yesterday!). My other act of kindness was to play all the games he wanted to in the evening. AND, I didn't even get competitive and mad when he beat me. Now, that is quite the feat for me.
Focusing on patience and kindness have really been good for me. Choosing not to be negative has taught me a lot. I don't have to be negative to express myself (I actually already knew that, but I wasn't able to break the cycle in myself yet). I can work through my emotions, and if something needs to be addressed, the time to do that is after I have processed, not in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, it just seems easier to be negative and angry, though. That's what Satan wants us to think because that is the way he works. However, I know from experience that being negative and angry only makes everything harder and worse. So, I have to be brave enough to break that cycle.
Choosing not to be negative and angry allowed more peaceful and loving feelings to dwell in my heart. I wanted to be close to him (whereas last week, I did not want to be close to him, and when he would touch me too much, I would have to *gently* say sorry I'm hurting and I just really don't want you to touch me). I wanted to touch him. Throughout the day, I felt a stronger and stronger pull of love and attraction towards him. It was a feeling that has escaped me lately. I wanted to breathe him in. I wanted to be his.
Choosing to be kind had the same effect.
I know I haven't done this on my own. From the moment I read the first chapter and felt the weight of how hard it would be (and it hasn't been easy), I had to turn back to step 1 and ask Heavenly Father for help. I knew I could not to it alone, and He would need to be there with me to help me increase in love.
When we were dating, I knew Jack wanted to marry me, and I wasn't sure about marriage. I had a someone coming home from his mission in a couple of months, someone who, for the past three years, I had planned on marrying. Then my friendship and eventual relationship with Jack put a twist on what I thought my future was. I felt bad because there were times when I knew I was leading Jack on. He liked (loved) me way more than I liked him. He was in the friend-zone, loving me, and I would have to shoot him down many times. We "broke up" from being friends quite a few times. I knew after all those times I needed him in my life. Eventually, we started dating seriously, and it got to the point where I knew we would either have to break up for good or get married, and I was so scared. For everything. I prayed so much for God to show me the way. I asked God to show me if marriage was in our path, and if it was to help me truly love Jack. Marriage was in our path. When I started praying daily for God to help me love Jack more, He did. Our love grew, and I knew without a doubt that we were supposed to get married.
I haven't asked God to help me love Jack in our marriage the way I should. I've fallen into the trap of thinking that love is just a feeling that you can fall in and out of and that the feeling of love determines my actions. I've been hurt and thought Jack needed to serve me to prove his love, and during all that, I forgot that I also need to use action to show and increase my love too. I've prayed multiple times over the past few days for God to help me love Jack better. I have been reminded that while I have been using the power of the Atonement to strengthen me in other aspects of my life, love in my marriage is something He can/needs/wants to help me with too. Through my actions and the power of the Spirit, I've discovered what love can feel like. I've felt love blossoming in my heart, and I can feel the power of what it can grow into if I keep working at it. I know this is only a slight taste of what I have felt in the past, and what I can feel as our love deepens.
It does make it easier that Jack is in recovery and that our relationship doesn't feel completely one-sided. For that, I am eternally grateful.
Today, the dare still includes not being negative. I am so hopeful :)
Also, this is one of my favorite songs about love. Just for kicks.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
The Love Dare
This afternoon, while praying, I received distinct revelation as to how I should go about step 9.
I haven't started on step 9 yet because I wasn't completely sure how I was going to do it this time (and there were the relapses and the horrible week and stuff that made me stop and just have to get a grip on life and stabilize before pressing onward in the steps). Yesterday and today I've been thinking I'm close to ready, but I was just waiting to figure out how to approach it.
I'm ready now. Ohhhh I'm SO ready! While I was praying, God told me exactly what I need to do, and I'm excited! Don't you just love personal revelation?
For those of you who are going through the steps for the first time, step 9 (restitution and reconciliation) is not as intimidating as you might think it is from just reading it. Upon completion of this step, you are free. You are free of the inventory, the confession, and the pain your weaknesses have brought because you just made it all right. You've repented. You've turned yourself over to God. You're trying to do His will. And you have made every effort to restore peace to relationships that have been harmed. You've made restitution and reconciliation.
My first time through the 12 steps, I was really focused on relationships outside my house. After all, I had done an inventory of as much as I could think of from my life, and I had a lot more relationships to restore then than I do now. Because I've done step 10 (daily accountability) already, I've even done a pretty good job at repenting, seeking forgiveness, and restoring peace in my relationships as I make mistakes. Right now, I feel that the relationships I will be focusing on for step 9 are my relationships with Jack, self, and God. Well, my relationship with God is something I'm always working on, but I threw that in for good measure. Really, it's Jack and myself. Those were the main ones I identified in step 8.
Something that I have been struggling with a lot for the past two weeks is love. Love for Jack. I love him because he is my husband. I married him because I loved him, but do you see how I just got that backwards? I love him because he is my husband. He has hurt me a lot. We worked hard, and the move we made in December has been really good for both our relationship and his addiction. Things have been great this year until the past couple of weeks. Now, with his relapses, we've been fighting. A lot. I've been angry. A lot. I initiate a lot of the fights--kind of because I want his attention, and kind of because I just want to bring him down with me (sigh. just like Satan). Because of all the tension and anger, I've felt like the giddy love, the happy love is slipping away.
That sounds horrible. I really do love him at a very deep level. I also have moments where I feel that giddy, happy love slam me in the face. Like today, when we were driving home from the temple, and we were dancing in the car (I taught him how to have car dance-parties). I looked over at him, and I just had this feeling overpower me that he is just the cutest guy ever, and he is 100% perfect for me. And, I definitely wouldn't want a divorce. I actually let my thoughts go there one day last week. What would life be like if we divorced? The answer? Empty. My life would be empty because I do love him and he brings me so much joy. Our marriage brings me so much joy. But right now I am hurting. When I am hurting this way, the little things that annoy me, and the big things that hurt me all pile up and bring me down. And my love feels a little empty because of my pain. My love for him goes deep, but I feel like I can't reach it right now. I can't reach it from the beach I am stranded on. I feel like our love is floating away, and I don't want that to happen!
Really, he is in recovery mode. He has sincerely apologized. He has taken my crap and Satan-like attempts to bring him down with me. He hasn't gotten as mad as he maybe should at the way I have treated him lately. Granted, I also haven't gotten as mad as I could have about the relapse thing, so maybe we're even on that. Anyway, overall, he is recovering. He is trying, and that's all I can ask for right now. I really can't expect him to just be clean. He is trying so hard, and he sometimes gets more depressed than I do about the fact that he hasn't mastered his addiction yet. He is still learning. And so am I.
And I won't let the addiction tear away my love for him.
Wanna know something funny? Jack is a tad shorter than me. Whenever I get mad because of his addiction, there is always this unsettled anger that he is shorter than me and addicted to pornography and masturbation. As if him being taller would somehow make up for his addiction. It's ridiculous.
Remember that letter I wrote to Satan? Well, it was a little bout of courage and ferocity God gave me to gear me up for the hard times coming my way. I was prepared. I think that little fire helped me make it through the past couple of weeks. Now, I'm here to remind that evil being that God is on my side, and I like it that way. And He is helping me. Today, He gave me distinct revelation as to how I will restore and reconcile the love that is floating away in our marriage. That's what I was praying for, and that was the fastest answer to a prayer I've had in a long time (yet another sign that He is there, and I need to wait patiently on his timing for things...).
Ready?
The Love Dare. Or the Husband Challenge. I haven't decided which one I will do yet. Both came to mind at pretty much the same time. Maybe I'll do both!
The Husband Challenge is something I was invited to on facebook a long time ago. There was a PDF and everything, so I saved it. I didn't actually do it because I was like, "Oh, we're fine" at the time. But I still have the challenge on PDF, so I can do it whenever I want to.
If you haven't heard of the Love Dare, go watch Fireproof. It's a Christian movie about a firefighter who is going through bad times with his wife (including his pornography addiction). They are on the verge of divorce, when, as a last hope, his dad challenges him to do this love dare. Then if things still aren't working, he could go ahead and file for divorce. It's not the best movie in the world (acting-wise), but the message is awesome. I actually wish we had more corny awesome-message movies in the world. It's by the same people who did Courageous, which was a great corny-awesome-message movie.
Restitution and reconciliation.
The Love Dare. The Husband Challenge.
Both of those are there to help us gain appreciation and love for spouses. God gave me revelation that it will help me restore the love I'm feeling is starting to get lost.
I'll probably do the Love Dare since it's Christian-based. If you have seen Fireproof and are wondering how I will do it, they made a book called The Love Dare. It's based on that movie. Jack got it for me for Valentine's day. That sounds a little self-serving on his part (haha, which is totally what I thought too at first), but he actually wanted to do it for me, and then I wouldn't let him. I said he got the book for me, and I was going to do it when he least expected it. Since I just made it public, and he reads my blog, he will know what is going on. But, hey, who cares, right?
I am seriously SO EXCITED for step 9! Like, you have no idea how much hope and light I feel right now, and it's a huge relief because of the dark hole I have felt like I've been in lately.
I'm excited because I know the Love Dare will bring me closer to Jack. I know it will bring our relationship closer to God. And it will help me feel peace and forgive myself for the pain and heartache I have caused.
:D
I haven't started on step 9 yet because I wasn't completely sure how I was going to do it this time (and there were the relapses and the horrible week and stuff that made me stop and just have to get a grip on life and stabilize before pressing onward in the steps). Yesterday and today I've been thinking I'm close to ready, but I was just waiting to figure out how to approach it.
I'm ready now. Ohhhh I'm SO ready! While I was praying, God told me exactly what I need to do, and I'm excited! Don't you just love personal revelation?
For those of you who are going through the steps for the first time, step 9 (restitution and reconciliation) is not as intimidating as you might think it is from just reading it. Upon completion of this step, you are free. You are free of the inventory, the confession, and the pain your weaknesses have brought because you just made it all right. You've repented. You've turned yourself over to God. You're trying to do His will. And you have made every effort to restore peace to relationships that have been harmed. You've made restitution and reconciliation.
My first time through the 12 steps, I was really focused on relationships outside my house. After all, I had done an inventory of as much as I could think of from my life, and I had a lot more relationships to restore then than I do now. Because I've done step 10 (daily accountability) already, I've even done a pretty good job at repenting, seeking forgiveness, and restoring peace in my relationships as I make mistakes. Right now, I feel that the relationships I will be focusing on for step 9 are my relationships with Jack, self, and God. Well, my relationship with God is something I'm always working on, but I threw that in for good measure. Really, it's Jack and myself. Those were the main ones I identified in step 8.
Something that I have been struggling with a lot for the past two weeks is love. Love for Jack. I love him because he is my husband. I married him because I loved him, but do you see how I just got that backwards? I love him because he is my husband. He has hurt me a lot. We worked hard, and the move we made in December has been really good for both our relationship and his addiction. Things have been great this year until the past couple of weeks. Now, with his relapses, we've been fighting. A lot. I've been angry. A lot. I initiate a lot of the fights--kind of because I want his attention, and kind of because I just want to bring him down with me (sigh. just like Satan). Because of all the tension and anger, I've felt like the giddy love, the happy love is slipping away.
That sounds horrible. I really do love him at a very deep level. I also have moments where I feel that giddy, happy love slam me in the face. Like today, when we were driving home from the temple, and we were dancing in the car (I taught him how to have car dance-parties). I looked over at him, and I just had this feeling overpower me that he is just the cutest guy ever, and he is 100% perfect for me. And, I definitely wouldn't want a divorce. I actually let my thoughts go there one day last week. What would life be like if we divorced? The answer? Empty. My life would be empty because I do love him and he brings me so much joy. Our marriage brings me so much joy. But right now I am hurting. When I am hurting this way, the little things that annoy me, and the big things that hurt me all pile up and bring me down. And my love feels a little empty because of my pain. My love for him goes deep, but I feel like I can't reach it right now. I can't reach it from the beach I am stranded on. I feel like our love is floating away, and I don't want that to happen!
Really, he is in recovery mode. He has sincerely apologized. He has taken my crap and Satan-like attempts to bring him down with me. He hasn't gotten as mad as he maybe should at the way I have treated him lately. Granted, I also haven't gotten as mad as I could have about the relapse thing, so maybe we're even on that. Anyway, overall, he is recovering. He is trying, and that's all I can ask for right now. I really can't expect him to just be clean. He is trying so hard, and he sometimes gets more depressed than I do about the fact that he hasn't mastered his addiction yet. He is still learning. And so am I.
And I won't let the addiction tear away my love for him.
Wanna know something funny? Jack is a tad shorter than me. Whenever I get mad because of his addiction, there is always this unsettled anger that he is shorter than me and addicted to pornography and masturbation. As if him being taller would somehow make up for his addiction. It's ridiculous.
Remember that letter I wrote to Satan? Well, it was a little bout of courage and ferocity God gave me to gear me up for the hard times coming my way. I was prepared. I think that little fire helped me make it through the past couple of weeks. Now, I'm here to remind that evil being that God is on my side, and I like it that way. And He is helping me. Today, He gave me distinct revelation as to how I will restore and reconcile the love that is floating away in our marriage. That's what I was praying for, and that was the fastest answer to a prayer I've had in a long time (yet another sign that He is there, and I need to wait patiently on his timing for things...).
Ready?
The Love Dare. Or the Husband Challenge. I haven't decided which one I will do yet. Both came to mind at pretty much the same time. Maybe I'll do both!
The Husband Challenge is something I was invited to on facebook a long time ago. There was a PDF and everything, so I saved it. I didn't actually do it because I was like, "Oh, we're fine" at the time. But I still have the challenge on PDF, so I can do it whenever I want to.
If you haven't heard of the Love Dare, go watch Fireproof. It's a Christian movie about a firefighter who is going through bad times with his wife (including his pornography addiction). They are on the verge of divorce, when, as a last hope, his dad challenges him to do this love dare. Then if things still aren't working, he could go ahead and file for divorce. It's not the best movie in the world (acting-wise), but the message is awesome. I actually wish we had more corny awesome-message movies in the world. It's by the same people who did Courageous, which was a great corny-awesome-message movie.
Restitution and reconciliation.
The Love Dare. The Husband Challenge.
Both of those are there to help us gain appreciation and love for spouses. God gave me revelation that it will help me restore the love I'm feeling is starting to get lost.
I'll probably do the Love Dare since it's Christian-based. If you have seen Fireproof and are wondering how I will do it, they made a book called The Love Dare. It's based on that movie. Jack got it for me for Valentine's day. That sounds a little self-serving on his part (haha, which is totally what I thought too at first), but he actually wanted to do it for me, and then I wouldn't let him. I said he got the book for me, and I was going to do it when he least expected it. Since I just made it public, and he reads my blog, he will know what is going on. But, hey, who cares, right?
I am seriously SO EXCITED for step 9! Like, you have no idea how much hope and light I feel right now, and it's a huge relief because of the dark hole I have felt like I've been in lately.
I'm excited because I know the Love Dare will bring me closer to Jack. I know it will bring our relationship closer to God. And it will help me feel peace and forgive myself for the pain and heartache I have caused.
:D
Sunday, June 16, 2013
I want to be a disciple of Christ
As I've been studying step 8, I realized I have to ask myself, "Do I want to seek forgiveness?"
Seeking forgiveness requires humility. It requires patience (especially with self). It requires faith. It requires charity. It requires me to seek out and use the power of the Atonement.
See that list I just made? Those are HARD. Some are harder than others, but nevertheless, they are hard. They are weaknesses I have identified in myself, and I'm still working on overcoming them.
Do I want to seek forgiveness? Sometimes I don't. Sometimes the idea just seems so hard. Sometimes I want my husband to just read my mind. I want him (and whoever else I have wronged) to know that I am sorry and just forgive me. I don't want to work. I don't want to "seek forgiveness." Because my nature is stubborn and prideful. And it's much easier to be stubborn and prideful than to do the opposite.
Do I like myself when I am that way? No, not really. I have felt the power of the Spirit in my life. I have felt peace come with humility, patience, and charity. I don't like myself very much when I turn to the "natural man" and give up on becoming the "peaceable follower of Christ" that I desire to become.
Do I want to seek forgiveness? YES.
Why? Because it's the next step to bring me closer to Christ. Because I want peace. Because I am trying to be a disciple of Christ. Because I love my husband (and the others whom I have hurt), and I want to make things right.
The content of this step is so powerful. I don't know how to adequately describe it. I'll do my best to express my thoughts and feelings on this.
My ultimate goal is to be a disciple of Christ.
I want to emulate Christ in thought, word, and deed. That's a hard task to achieve, but it can be done through the power of the Atonement. I know that to become the woman of God I desire to be, I have to forgive and seek forgiveness. It comes down to humility, which is probably my greatest weakness.
I've already added so much commotion and craziness to my life and the world around me. I know I'm not, nor will I be in this life, perfect. But, as I try to become the woman my patriarchal blessing describes, I will become more perfect. As I try to become who Christ would have me be through strengthening my relationship with Him, I will become more perfect. As I become more perfect, I will contribute more peace to this life than I ever thought possible. I won't be able to do that if I 1) harbor negative feelings (for *ahem* myself or others), or 2) fail to humble myself and seek to make right my wrongs.
The deeper I delve into the gospel and gain more understanding, the stronger I feel. I definitely have my days where I feel weak, but when I study my scriptures and other gospel tools, I feel strength. I feel power. I feel the armor of God protecting me.
Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel. Forgiveness, along with love, is the heart of the Atonement. If I do not seek forgiveness, I am not accepting Christ's gift. If I don't forgive, I am denying the power of the Atonement as it works for others. If I seek to forgive and seek forgiveness for myself, I gain a stronger understanding of the Atonement and strengthen myself with God's armor.
So, as I clean up my wreckage, I will put on the armor of God (see Eph. 6:11-18). I will seek forgiveness, forgive, and gain the power and strength the Atonement offers.
Who's in?
Seeking forgiveness requires humility. It requires patience (especially with self). It requires faith. It requires charity. It requires me to seek out and use the power of the Atonement.
See that list I just made? Those are HARD. Some are harder than others, but nevertheless, they are hard. They are weaknesses I have identified in myself, and I'm still working on overcoming them.
Do I want to seek forgiveness? Sometimes I don't. Sometimes the idea just seems so hard. Sometimes I want my husband to just read my mind. I want him (and whoever else I have wronged) to know that I am sorry and just forgive me. I don't want to work. I don't want to "seek forgiveness." Because my nature is stubborn and prideful. And it's much easier to be stubborn and prideful than to do the opposite.
Do I like myself when I am that way? No, not really. I have felt the power of the Spirit in my life. I have felt peace come with humility, patience, and charity. I don't like myself very much when I turn to the "natural man" and give up on becoming the "peaceable follower of Christ" that I desire to become.
Do I want to seek forgiveness? YES.
Why? Because it's the next step to bring me closer to Christ. Because I want peace. Because I am trying to be a disciple of Christ. Because I love my husband (and the others whom I have hurt), and I want to make things right.
The content of this step is so powerful. I don't know how to adequately describe it. I'll do my best to express my thoughts and feelings on this.
My ultimate goal is to be a disciple of Christ.
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I want to emulate Christ in thought, word, and deed. That's a hard task to achieve, but it can be done through the power of the Atonement. I know that to become the woman of God I desire to be, I have to forgive and seek forgiveness. It comes down to humility, which is probably my greatest weakness.
I've already added so much commotion and craziness to my life and the world around me. I know I'm not, nor will I be in this life, perfect. But, as I try to become the woman my patriarchal blessing describes, I will become more perfect. As I try to become who Christ would have me be through strengthening my relationship with Him, I will become more perfect. As I become more perfect, I will contribute more peace to this life than I ever thought possible. I won't be able to do that if I 1) harbor negative feelings (for *ahem* myself or others), or 2) fail to humble myself and seek to make right my wrongs.
The deeper I delve into the gospel and gain more understanding, the stronger I feel. I definitely have my days where I feel weak, but when I study my scriptures and other gospel tools, I feel strength. I feel power. I feel the armor of God protecting me.
Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel. Forgiveness, along with love, is the heart of the Atonement. If I do not seek forgiveness, I am not accepting Christ's gift. If I don't forgive, I am denying the power of the Atonement as it works for others. If I seek to forgive and seek forgiveness for myself, I gain a stronger understanding of the Atonement and strengthen myself with God's armor.
So, as I clean up my wreckage, I will put on the armor of God (see Eph. 6:11-18). I will seek forgiveness, forgive, and gain the power and strength the Atonement offers.
Who's in?
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Cleaning the Wreckage
"Step 8 was an opportunity to make a plan to clean up the wreckage and rebuild all that could be saved" (p 47, ARP Guidebook).
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Step 8 provides us with the opportunity to seek forgiveness for past wrongs. It's a follow-up from the inventory, confession, willingness to turn ourselves over to God, and the humble preparation of asking God to remove our shortcomings. In step 8, we become willing to make restitution to all persons we have harmed.
It sounds intense. It sounds scary. But, fear not! There is no reason to fear. We have God on our side, and seeking repentance is crucial to our coming back to Him. We may feel at first that we have no need to repent--that we are the victim here, and others need to ask us for forgiveness. We've all been there. BUT, we may have been so caught up and focused on others around us (and their wrongs) because of our situations that we may have forgotten to keep ourselves in check too.
Because of my husband's addiction, I became really self-conscious. You know how teenagers are in that egocentric stage where they think everyone is looking at them, talking about them, whispering behind their backs? Well, I hate to say it, but I fell back into teenager mode. Because I always wondered if he was looking at me, wanting me, loving me, I began to question many other people around me. I started questioning everyone' motives and trusting very few people, or only halfway trusting most people.
I hurt some people. Because I was angry and distrusting, I hurt people without even meaning to. Here's an example:
We had some friends in our ward who stopped returning our phone calls. Every time we invited them to spend time with us, they had an excuse not to or didn't even call us back. Eventually, we called them less and less until we stopped trying to hang out with them altogether. I thought, well, they must not really like us. They must not want to be our friends. If they wanted to be our friends, they would put forth the effort of trying to spend time with us. Or they would tell us that they really do want to spend time with us, but it's just a bad time right now. We used to sit by them at church because we were among the few couples in our ward without children. Eventually, we sat by them less and less until we stopped sitting by them at church. We stopped talking to them. Saying hi in the hallway was awkward.
Months later, I finally talked to the wife and asked what happened. I missed them, and I had no idea what happened with our relationship. Also, we were moving soon, and I didn't want to move with hard feelings. Basically, they had been really hurt that we slowly stopped calling or sitting by them at church. I'm sure whatever their reasons were for not returning our calls or never wanting to hang out with us was valid. They didn't want to lose our friendship, though. My egocentrism, however, cost us a valuable friendship in that ward.
I know of more people who were hurt by my actions during the really hard time with my husband. Because I couldn't make him perfect, I expected perfection from myself and others around me. I was impatient and irritable at meaningless things. I had angry, negative thoughts about many people. I possibly even hurt more people than I know...
I've created wreckage, my friends! I've created wreckage in my friendships, in my relationship with my husband, and with myself.
I still create wreckage, and I know I will continue to create wreckage. That is why the Atonement is so beautiful. I can create wreckage and seek forgiveness for it. I can mess up and make mistakes, but as I humble myself and come to God with an honest, sincere heart, it can be healed. It can be made right through the Atonement.
Step 8 says, "Before we could rebuild relationships, we needed to identify the relationships that were damaged." So, I made a list of everyone I had harmed. I wrote about the situations. However, I discovered (as the guidebook says) that I "could not list these people without being distracted by feelings of resentment toward those who had harmed [me]" (p 47). I was able to pray to Heavenly Father and explain my feelings. I could confess everything to Him and seek His guidance as I sought for peace and healing. I studied the parable of the man who was forgiven his debts but needed to forgive others. I started understanding the miracle of the Atonement better than ever before.
Along with my list of people to seek forgiveness, I made a list of people whom I needed to forgive. Some names were on both lists. "People often get caught in terrible cycles of exchanging hurts with others. to break these cycles of mutual resentment, someone has to be willing to forgive" (p 47). I've seen that happening in my marriage, along with other relationships as well.
Writing became a great tool for me to sort out my feelings and experiences so I could figure out what exactly was going on in my head. During this process, I prayed for the desire to forgive. I prayed for forgiveness. I practiced praying for others' welfare. I prayed for those I had a hard time liking. I prayed for those I didn't understand. As I gained compassion, I was able to identify more relationships that needed healing.
When I experienced this step for the first time, I had many relationships that needed healing. I had much healing to experience in general. I still have much healing that needs to take place, but as I read through and practice this step, I can see a pattern to the relationships that need healing. Most of the people who I need to seek forgiveness from are very close to me. Those instances deal mostly with my impatience.
As I've written in the past, I made so much progress when I journeyed through the 12 steps the first time. That progress stuck with me. One of the maintenance steps (the steps that help you maintain your new, spiritually-minded way of life), step 10 is about daily accountability. I did step 10 almost a year ago. Since then, I have been pretty good at keeping myself accountable and promptly admitting my wrongs. I have been fairly good at seeking forgiveness (not perfect). I don't have as many relationships that need healing as I did the first time.
I'm still cleaning up wreckage. There is always wreckage to clean up, for both me and my husband. I'm so grateful for this process. I know without the 12 steps, I would be lost. I wouldn't know where to turn, and I would not know how to deal with things. Part of step 8 is forgiving others, but I'm glad the focus is on seeking forgiveness. I'm glad I know I need to forgive myself. I'm glad I have this road to walk with Christ.
I'm also grateful for the understanding I have reached. I am a victim. But, in some ways, so is my husband. He is a victim of himself. Satan. society. me. The 12 steps have helped me heal, gain perspective, and become more Christlike. Hopefully, my husband won't be a victim of my wrath for much longer. I know eventually, I will find better ways to handle everything than by lashing out.
I'm grateful for the 12 steps. I'm grateful for the journey. I'm grateful for my knowledge.
I'm grateful I have the Atonement to help me clean up the wreckage.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Step 7: Humility (Part 2)
These are the quotes I love from step 7 (all located on page 41). They are really powerful and teach different messages about humility.
These quotes were kind of a pick-me-up for today.
These quotes were kind of a pick-me-up for today.
I just love step 7 because it reminds me what I need to do to turn myself over to God. I don't really know what to write, other than just sharing these quotes. I hope, as you read them, your heart will be touched like mine was. I have tried to write my feelings and thoughts about what I read, but I just can't put it to words. So, I'll let the Spirit do the talking on this.
"Step 7 represented for each of us such total surrender to the Savior, that many of us could not help but cry out in our hearts, as Alma did, 'O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me.'"
"Holding nothing back, we pled with the Father that He, in His infinite mercy, would forgive us for all our pride, transgressions, and shortcomings. We asked that He would grant us grace, that through Him we might maintain this new way of life." I know. It's kind of weird to read this because you think, well, I'm not the one with the addiction. But, I do have my pride and shortcomings. I do need help overcoming them and becoming new. I want to want to not be mad at my husband all the time. I have done so good lately, but I have felt the darkness and anger creeping in. I want to rid myself of the desire to just be mad. To do that, I need God's grace.
". . . we are all beggars before God and have no hope of salvation by our own efforts but only through the mercy and grace of Jesus Christ."
"All mankind were lost; and behold, they would have been endlessly lost were it not that God redeemed His people from their lost and fallen state."
"We had to learn to accept life on God's terms and wait upon His purposes and His timing--even in the removal of our shortcomings." This statement always gets to me. I was thinking a lot about this on my way to work, actually. Obviously, my husband made a choice in his past that very much impacts our lives now. I think God could change my husband. Somehow. I really think God could change him. But, that would take away my husband's agency. It would take away his ability to learn and grow. I think at this point, there is still so much for both my husband and me to learn. God sees that. He will strengthen us and help us, but He won't remove my husband's addiction because he needs it to grow. And so do I.
"We learned to live with the same humility and patience that Alma and his brethren showed when their burdens were lightened but not removed."
". . . God desires us to conquer our weaknesses in this life by coming to Christ and being perfected in Him."
". . . salvation does not come by our own power, but by His."
". . . His suffering, not yours, ensures your redemption from sin. Your sacrifice is only a reminder of His 'great and last sacrifice' on your behalf." I love this. My suffering is only a small peek at what my Savior suffered for me. My small sufferings help me appreciate the Savior more and grow to love Him.
"Step 7 represented for each of us such total surrender to the Savior, that many of us could not help but cry out in our hearts, as Alma did, 'O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me.'"
"Holding nothing back, we pled with the Father that He, in His infinite mercy, would forgive us for all our pride, transgressions, and shortcomings. We asked that He would grant us grace, that through Him we might maintain this new way of life." I know. It's kind of weird to read this because you think, well, I'm not the one with the addiction. But, I do have my pride and shortcomings. I do need help overcoming them and becoming new. I want to want to not be mad at my husband all the time. I have done so good lately, but I have felt the darkness and anger creeping in. I want to rid myself of the desire to just be mad. To do that, I need God's grace.
". . . we are all beggars before God and have no hope of salvation by our own efforts but only through the mercy and grace of Jesus Christ."
"All mankind were lost; and behold, they would have been endlessly lost were it not that God redeemed His people from their lost and fallen state."
"We had to learn to accept life on God's terms and wait upon His purposes and His timing--even in the removal of our shortcomings." This statement always gets to me. I was thinking a lot about this on my way to work, actually. Obviously, my husband made a choice in his past that very much impacts our lives now. I think God could change my husband. Somehow. I really think God could change him. But, that would take away my husband's agency. It would take away his ability to learn and grow. I think at this point, there is still so much for both my husband and me to learn. God sees that. He will strengthen us and help us, but He won't remove my husband's addiction because he needs it to grow. And so do I.
"We learned to live with the same humility and patience that Alma and his brethren showed when their burdens were lightened but not removed."
". . . God desires us to conquer our weaknesses in this life by coming to Christ and being perfected in Him."
". . . salvation does not come by our own power, but by His."
". . . His suffering, not yours, ensures your redemption from sin. Your sacrifice is only a reminder of His 'great and last sacrifice' on your behalf." I love this. My suffering is only a small peek at what my Savior suffered for me. My small sufferings help me appreciate the Savior more and grow to love Him.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Step 4: Truth (Part 2)
KEY PRINCIPLE: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.
"Through this inventory, we identified negative thoughts, emotions, and actions that ruled our lives. By discovering those destructive elements in our lives, we took the first step toward correcting them. Doing an inventory was difficult, but this step opened the door to the additional faith and hope we needed to continue our recoveries and overcome addiction."
I don't know about you, but I have many negative thoughts, emotions, and actions that rule my life. Well, I had way more a year or two ago. But still, negative thoughts, emotions, and actions creep in and rule my life. Today is living proof that. My day was one big blur of negative thoughts, emotions, and actions, and it ruled my day. No matter how much I tried to get over it. I'm still fighting it after reading my scriptures. But, as I think of peace and healing, I'm already feeling it finally dissipate.
The reason step 4 is intimidating is because you are making yourself vulnerable. The beauty of it is you are making yourself vulnerable to God. God is the one being who won't judge you. He loves you because you are His son or daughter, and He wants you to come back to Him. When you make yourself vulnerable to God, He helps you overcome your weaknesses and make them strengths.
I did this inventory. I have done it twice. It is the most cleansing experience I have had. I discovered destructive elements in my life, and I can testify that it truly is the first step toward correcting those things. As you turn your inventory over to God, He helps you see what you can do to make yourself better. As I realized changes I could make in my life, I realized my potential. As I realized my potential, I was filled with hope and faith. As I was filled with hope and faith, I found light.
Becoming more accountable for my actions was a beautiful thing. During the time that I was completing my first inventory, something happened in my life that wasn't crucial, but it really made me think about myself--who I am and what I am supposed to be doing. Let's just say it was an experience where I really did not treat someone well, and she should have been treated way better. After the incident, I felt horrible. I wrote about it in my inventory. I felt a lot of pain for being so awful while in the midst of my moral inventory. But, then I realized that the pain I felt for treating this woman that way was a good sign. It meant that I was more fully aware and holding myself accountable for my actions.
Eventually you will reach step 10, which is "Daily Accountability." In this step, you "continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong, promptly admit it."The way the steps work together is beautiful. Here in step 4, we start to take inventory of our lives. But as we grow closer to God and feel His sanctifying power in our lives, we can hold ourselves accountable every day. And we can be more in tune with the Spirit and recognize what He wants us to do.
Just remember, though, that this is a moral inventory. Moral is good. Don't just write about the bad. Don't make yourself feel awful because you aren't recognizing the good things about yourself. Write good things about yourself too. There is a lot of good in each of us. And, eventually, your negatives will become positive over time too. But yeah, don't write only negative or you will probably cry. Just sayin. I cried because I was way too harsh on myself. But it's also okay to cry. I probably would have cried anyway.
I'll write about how to do the inventory next time. Or you can read ahead because it talks about how to do it in the guidebook.
Love you all :)
"Through this inventory, we identified negative thoughts, emotions, and actions that ruled our lives. By discovering those destructive elements in our lives, we took the first step toward correcting them. Doing an inventory was difficult, but this step opened the door to the additional faith and hope we needed to continue our recoveries and overcome addiction."
I don't know about you, but I have many negative thoughts, emotions, and actions that rule my life. Well, I had way more a year or two ago. But still, negative thoughts, emotions, and actions creep in and rule my life. Today is living proof that. My day was one big blur of negative thoughts, emotions, and actions, and it ruled my day. No matter how much I tried to get over it. I'm still fighting it after reading my scriptures. But, as I think of peace and healing, I'm already feeling it finally dissipate.
The reason step 4 is intimidating is because you are making yourself vulnerable. The beauty of it is you are making yourself vulnerable to God. God is the one being who won't judge you. He loves you because you are His son or daughter, and He wants you to come back to Him. When you make yourself vulnerable to God, He helps you overcome your weaknesses and make them strengths.
I did this inventory. I have done it twice. It is the most cleansing experience I have had. I discovered destructive elements in my life, and I can testify that it truly is the first step toward correcting those things. As you turn your inventory over to God, He helps you see what you can do to make yourself better. As I realized changes I could make in my life, I realized my potential. As I realized my potential, I was filled with hope and faith. As I was filled with hope and faith, I found light.
Becoming more accountable for my actions was a beautiful thing. During the time that I was completing my first inventory, something happened in my life that wasn't crucial, but it really made me think about myself--who I am and what I am supposed to be doing. Let's just say it was an experience where I really did not treat someone well, and she should have been treated way better. After the incident, I felt horrible. I wrote about it in my inventory. I felt a lot of pain for being so awful while in the midst of my moral inventory. But, then I realized that the pain I felt for treating this woman that way was a good sign. It meant that I was more fully aware and holding myself accountable for my actions.
Eventually you will reach step 10, which is "Daily Accountability." In this step, you "continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong, promptly admit it."The way the steps work together is beautiful. Here in step 4, we start to take inventory of our lives. But as we grow closer to God and feel His sanctifying power in our lives, we can hold ourselves accountable every day. And we can be more in tune with the Spirit and recognize what He wants us to do.
Just remember, though, that this is a moral inventory. Moral is good. Don't just write about the bad. Don't make yourself feel awful because you aren't recognizing the good things about yourself. Write good things about yourself too. There is a lot of good in each of us. And, eventually, your negatives will become positive over time too. But yeah, don't write only negative or you will probably cry. Just sayin. I cried because I was way too harsh on myself. But it's also okay to cry. I probably would have cried anyway.
I'll write about how to do the inventory next time. Or you can read ahead because it talks about how to do it in the guidebook.
Love you all :)
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