Surrender

Last weekend, I had the blessed opportunity to attend the Togetherness Project! I love this organization so much. Much of my healing has been through classes I've attended and people I've met. I will be forever grateful to the people who put this together and sacrifice so much of their time and energy to help strengthen those of us suffering from the effects of sex addiction.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about one of the classes I attended. Rhyll Croshaw spoke about living recovery one day at a time.

I've been in a kind of pit where I have been so focused on my baby and my family and not spending enough time on ME. I've been working on that and trying to find balance, but it's hard. My needs change on a daily basis depending on different triggers and trauma or whether or not I feel like I can even handle thinking about having this addiction as part of my life (and besides, I have a baby now, so I really can't spend so much time focusing on me. That makes the balancing act more tricky.). Most of the time, my recovery work simply looks like self-care. But if I'm only doing self-care, that leaves out a lot of other things that are necessary for my recovery.

It's like I'm only going halfway to recovery because I know I need some aspect of recovery, but I don't want to think about it. I've let recovery books, programs, blogs, and support groups fall to the wayside because I just don't want to think about it. Not to mention I might be spending way too much time and energy focusing on healing my relationship with Ben. I'm the kind of person that likes to do things myself so I can make sure they are done right. I'm afraid (from fear but also from experience) that if I leave our relationship recovery too much up to Ben, nothing will happen or things will be made worse. So even though I try to be hands off about his recovery and letting things heal as they heal, I really do try to take matters into my own hands way too often. It's exhausting. Because when things don't work as I think they should, I get put in another place of trauma or just feel disappointed or angry or upset.

I have not done a good job at surrendering this to God. Like, at all. I try. I give but take back. I can't commit to fully just letting Him handle it because I'm not really a fan of His timeline.

So during Rhyll's class (which I didn't initially want to go to anyway because I thought, "I don't need this, I know all about recovery and taking it one day at a time... haha), she said something that struck me, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. She said something like, "I had to turn to God and say 'Take him. I can't do this anymore.'" She had done everything she felt like she could to help their marriage and family, and she realized she just couldn't do it. She had to focus on herself, and let herself heal. She had to stop taking so much of the weight of their marriage and his addiction and let God handle that part.

I feel like that was the piece I have been missing! I did this life coaching program with Jacy which was incredible and eye-opening and life changing (and if you can afford to do it, do it! Do it do it do it! Because, like I said, LIFE CHANGING, powerful stuff). I learned so much incredible stuff about taking charge of my life and seeing what I can do for me. But I applied it all to my relationship with Ben, and while that is good and all (because there is much in my relationship with him that I DO need to work on because I am kind of mean and blame everything on him all the time because "he is an addict and has ruined my life"...), I still can't do everything on my own. I'm trying to micromanage too much instead of letting things happen on God's timeline. I'm trying to rush my healing, his healing, and our marriage's healing because I want our family to be "perfect", and I want to start thinking about and planning for more kids. I keep going in circles with myself between accepting my life as it is and hating everything and yearning for what I imagined my life to be at this point.

So, while I'm focusing on my self-care and balancing act, I am also working on surrender. I don't really know how to surrender all of this to God, but I am going to figure it out. In the mean time, I am trying to let go of fretting over his recovery so I can focus on my recovery. I am working a program, I'm reading Rhyll's book, I'm doing self-care, and maybe one of these days I will make it to a group meeting so I can have some in-person support.

I reviewed my safety plan and boundaries again, adding some things that needed to be added. And I am going to work on keeping myself safe. Sometimes I just don't. I don't know why, I just don't stick to my boundaries very well. Probably because I'm afraid of change and push-back from Ben. But I know to keep our home a safe place to keep myself on track with my recovery and healing, I need to stick to my boundaries.

So. Deep breaths. Here I go, jumping back into my recovery.

The brightest of lights

I have so much to say. So many thoughts rambling through my head, and I'm not quite sure how to express what is going on.

Two completely opposite emotions are raging inside me: joy and depression. I've written about my depression a little bit (last week), but I'm wanting to be more specific. I'll probably have to split this into multiple posts.

I'm experiencing a tremendous amount of joy. That's because I'm pregnant! And because my relationship with Ben is in a crazy high place and trust is flooding back in.

Now we can all cheer because, holy crap, I'm pregnant! 

I haven't written about it on this blog because now that my recovery and healing is mixed with my "real" life, I couldn't bring myself to discuss the matter here. Too much at stake. I've had a lot of fears about miscarrying, which would take a huge toll on both Ben and me in a lot of ways, and I didn't want everyone in that business. Some things just need to be my business for a time.

However, once I was able to bust through those fears, I decided I wanted to share this part of my story even though I'm only 10 weeks. Because this is huge. This is a significant part of our story, and I felt very strongly over the weekend that now is the time it needs to be shared.

I've written a little about my faith crisis. I'm still struggling, and I don't expect it to be resolved or go away very easily. That's okay because in reality, I'm finding that working through a faith crisis is a beautiful thing (or at least, I keep telling myself that). Anyway, when we found out I am pregnant, it came as a complete shock (and has provided some healing to parts of my faith crisis).

I mean, seriously. We reached a LOW this year. A major low. Divorce became an real option. Damage had been done, and there was much to work through and sort out. When I quit my job early and moved to Texas, it was on complete faith in God. I loved my job. I still miss it. But I felt that taking care of us and paving the way to healing, not only for us, but for our future family, was the most important thing we could do.

People knew of our situation. People knew we had also struggled with infertility. I was warned by a handful of people to be careful not to rush into baby-making when we were so fragile (I even experienced that advice after knowing I was pregnant, while no one else knew). I had that mindset of warning and care-taking. And I was careful, but I also followed the spirit.

When I had the idea that we needed to start over to heal our relationship, I know it was revelation from God. So we dated and took physical intimacy off the table for a while. We gradually worked our way to intimacy and were eventually led to a point where we both felt fairly safe. I knew we would not be divorcing any time soon (or ever...hopefully). Divorce was no longer on the radar. Family was. Family and healing became priority, and they seemed to come together. 

I took the matter to the Lord. After all, He had not let me down. And eventually (or quickly), I was pregnant.

It did come as a shock. After all this time, after all the battles we have faced, I was not anticipating this one being resolved so quickly and with no medical intervention. Tender mercy. God's timing.

Being pregnant has been really hard. I thought since my life has had so many challenges anyway, I deserved to have an easy pregnancy whenever it should eventually happen. That has not been the case. Pregnancy has not been easy, but that's okay. I've seen God's hand in all of this. And maybe that's why it's not easy. Because if I didn't have to pay attention to that kind of stuff, I wouldn't actually know what God was doing with my life.

For one thing, the timing on this is amazing. I mean, words cannot even express the joy both Ben and I feel with the fact that we are welcoming in a little one soon. That joy has brought us so much closer together, and the timing on that is perfect because we need this. We need this joy and this love we are experiencing after all the hell we have been through. Some people say that having a pregnancy and baby will cause more problems, and I know that is true in its own way. It will be hard. I am positive of that. But it's taking a positive emotional turn on our relationship, rather than a negative one.

Here's why:

Ben has been given countless opportunities to serve me. And, I just feel weak and pathetic because of how sick I am. It's been hard and kind of a shot at my ego and pride to have to lean on him for everything. But he does it, willingly and graciously. He listens to me complain about having no food to eat because I have thrown up most of my options. He does dishes. He holds me when I cry because it's so hard being so sick. He makes an effort to spend time with me when he is stressed about work and could be spending that time working. And he lets me eat all the ice cream.

I'm seeing the Ben I married emerge. The Ben who has been lost because of the addiction. The kind, gentle, selfless man who I was lucky enough to snag. The guy that every girl would be jealous to have because he is that great. That's the guy who is present in our marriage right now.

I'm learning to trust him again. I mean, I already trusted him enough to carry his child. But there are different kinds of healing of trust that needed to take place, and they are. They are.

While I'm sick and feel icky and gross much of the time, this pregnancy has provided much emotional healing. And I feel so grateful for it.

I know it's God's timing. I see it. I see it manifested in so many ways, and words cannot even express what that does for me.

I know I needed to leave Arkansas when I did. At the time, our relationship was only getting worse, and we needed to heal. Had I spent more time there, it would have gotten way worse--to what point, I'm not exactly sure. But I know it would have gotten worse, and the road to healing would have been much harder to bear. I know I would not be pregnant. And this joy we both feel, and the peace we are experiencing in our marriage right now, would be nonexistent. I know that. And that is how I know God has had His hand in all of this. The entire time. He knew exactly when we needed a child. He knew exactly what we needed to grow. Our trials are not over, but as I put my trust in God and see how perfect His plan is, it gets easier to trust Him all the more.

This is beautiful to me. The challenges Ben and I have faced have been horrible. Yet, from the darkness and horrors can emerge beauty. I'm keeping my eyes open to the beauty. I am trying to be find things to be grateful for every day, and I'm finding that my life is not at all what I imagined. It's better.

I know that sounds so cheesy and silly. And maybe to people who are in the thick of the hell the addiction brings, that may feel like, "Yeah, yeah, let's see how things are in a year. Maybe it won't feel so beautiful." And maybe that's true. But I have found that when I face the darkest of darks, I eventually experience the brightest of lights.

I have so much hope for the future. The addiction isn't resolved. It will always be a problem. But because of times like this, I can see the true potential of my eternal marriage, and I know that somehow, no matter what, things will be okay. [Even if it were to end in divorce some day. No matter what, I know God is guiding me.]


ANDDD I'll get to the rest of what I was going to write later. After writing about and reminding myself of all the joy, I no longer feel inclined to write about the depression. Plus, this post is pretty long anyway.

Denial and Timing

We didn't start going to the LDS 12-step addiction recovery program right away. In fact, it wasn't until a little over a year after I found out about my husband's addiction that we went to a meeting for the first time.

I wanted to go right away. After the initial shock, I was completely set on trying to find ways to help my husband. And myself. I don't remember what exactly I googled, but I found the addiction recovery program, and I wanted to go. My husband, on the other hand, did not. He kept saying that it wasn't a big deal, it wasn't as bad as I thought, and that he didn't feel like he needed to go. Well, I was new to this, so even though I saw that there were family support meetings, I didn't feel like I should go without him. So I told him we didn't have to go. I wanted to wait until he was ready and he wanted to go.

Let me clear up something that might be confusing. When I say "family support" or spouse support, or whatever, it's a support group for the friend/family member/spouse/etc. I thought it was a group we went to as spouses to show our support for our loved one with addiction and make them feel supported by their family. And it is that, but it's much more. If you have been hurt by someone's addiction, that is normal. That is okay. And there are groups out there to support you. To help you recover. And that is what I am talking about when I say "family support." If I had understood that, I might have just started going without him, which could have been really helpful to us.

I started my last post by saying that I was in denial of my husband's addiction. Well, he was also in denial. He really was against going to addiction recovery meetings because he didn't fully consider himself an addict. Or maybe he just didn't consider himself an addict enough to go to recovery meetings. He thought he could do it on his own. He thought he could recover on his own and that somehow this would all just go in our past and maybe we could laugh about it in the future. I sincerely hope that happens.

I couldn't force him out of his denial. I didn't even understand what he was going through. When he said he was fine, I wanted to believe him. When he promised he was stopping, I wanted so badly to believe him. But I couldn't force him to go. I couldn't shake him and shout, "No! You are not recovering and so we have to go to this recovery program!" I couldn't do that. But I am grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord that led us to the program when the time was right. I've learned that you can't rush these things. Oh, you want to so badly. You want to do everything in your power to shake your addicted loved one into soberness and recovery. You want to do everything you can to take whatever control you can get because if you are in control, things will happen the way you want them to. But you can't get control. God has control, and He has a plan. Yes, He has a plan, even in the recovery of one's addiction. I can tell you right now that we would have had a much different experience had we started the addiction recovery program sooner--not that our experience wouldn't have been good. But I feel like the timing of things has been perfect for us.

When the timing was right, my husband was humble enough to admit that help was needed. And I was grateful and willing to accompany him to meetings, attend my support group while he attended his, talk about what we learned after, and help hold him accountable for his actions. We're still in recovery. But the place we are in recovery is very different from where we were one year ago. We have made so much progress! It really excites me! Because one year ago, we didn't have very much hope. I wanted to hope, and had a slim hope, that we would be free of the chains of addiction. And that our marriage would survive this. But now I know that we will be free of this one day, as long as we are faithful. As long as we remain true to God and do what He wants us to do, He will help us be free of this bondage when we have been refined enough from this trial.

In my last post, I talked about my theory about two types of trials. Some of you may have been thinking, um, hello, a pornography addiction is definitely the first type (where you suffer as the result of someone's agency). And that is true. My pain is a direct result of my husband's use of agency. BUT--at the young age when he became addicted, he did not understand the consequences. We often don't fully understand the consequences. But a 12 or 13 year old boy really doesn't understand the consequences of looking at that first pornographic image or video. But, that's not all. The other type of trial, the trial that is because God wants to test you, also applies in this situation. The reason why I believe this is that type of trial is because my husband has done so much to rid himself of this addiction. He even cleaned up more than a year before serving his mission, served a great mission for the Lord, and returned honorably. He thought he was free. But it kept coming back. And when we got married, he thought he had freed himself already. But it kept coming back. And last year, he thought he had sobered up, but it came back again. He really tries so hard to be a faithful servant, but he hasn't been able to really become free of this addiction yet. He still has refining to do. He has learning and becoming to do. And as for me. . . well, I didn't choose this. This was not on my checklist of things that would make my happily ever after. But I'm getting through it. And I'm realizing the strength that God is helping me gain every day.

So, yeah, I know that we will be free of this one day, as long as we continue to be faithful. No matter how hard it gets, I have learned to turn to the Lord and see things with an eternal perspective. I trust Him, and I know that He will not let me down as long as I keep my covenants and serve Him to the end.

**Note: Even if my husband was not in recovery mode, I firmly believe that I would still be healing. Because it's really not about my husband recovering. It's about my relationship with the Lord. And in my case, I feel extremely blessed that my husband is trying to overcome this. But not everyone is to that point. And not everyone's marriages work out. I wish they did, but some marriages can't survive stuff like this. My hope in sharing this blog is ultimately to share my experiences coming to Christ and understanding the gospel better. And hopefully, whatever you are going through, you (and your spouse, if applicable) will have hope to come unto Christ too.**