Thursday, January 22, 2015

He understands

I realized today that I'm not including God enough in my recovery and healing.

I've had a lot of emotions swirling through me in the past 15 hours. This morning, as I have been riding out the wave, I've wondered who to talk to and what to do. The pull to talk to my usual support people isn't very strong right now because I fear that  I will be told enough is enough. I'm afraid people won't support me in some of my decisions right now. And I just can't deal with that.

But I need guidance. And the thing is, no one can give me guidance. My friends and support people can tell me what they think based on their own experiences and limited knowledge of my relationship with my husband, but no one can really tell me what to do. I can't even tell me where to go from here because I honestly have no clue.

As I mulled this over and started feeling a little helpless, I remembered that God is there. He always listens, and He can see all. He knows what to do.

He understands the intense love I feel for Ben, even when he messes up. Along with that, He understands the inner conflict of emotions I have when Ben messes up.
He understands the pain I feel from the addiction.
He understands the heartache I feel to watch Ben struggle to overcome this beast that has been with him for over half his life.
He understands the fears I have regarding the addiction and our future family.
And He understands that I just can't deal with the addiction right now. I'm too pregnant. It's too hard.

So He can lift me up and hold me. And He can help me get through each moment.

I'm sad that I forgot how amazing God is. I've been doing the checklist of things to turn to Him every day, but it takes more effort to really include Him in my life. So that's what I'm working on--and I know I'll be okay.

My doctor says the baby can come any time. I'm hoping for sooner rather than later. But I'll trust God's timing on bringing this child to my arms as well as the other things I'm working on turning over to Him.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Togetherness needs a booth at UCAP!

If you haven't heard of the Togetherness Project, you need to check it out! I went to the first two conferences, and they were both amazing. Unfortunately, I was not able to attend the one last October, nor will I be able to attend the one in March (but hooray for a newborn in February!!). But if I could, I would go to every. single. one.

I have a very soft spot in my heart for Togetherness. I have gained so much from the support and friendships I have gained from this organization.

That is why I am sharing this: the Togetherness Project is trying to get a booth at the Utah Coalition Against Pornography (UCAP) Conference in April. If they can get a booth, they will be able to reach so many more people than they are already. However, they need some help getting there. Please check out this page to see what they need and how their presence at UCAP will have an impact on the world!

Pass it on, if you can. Social media is a great way to spread the word!

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Honoring my Heart

I recently reached out to a support group to share a journal entry I had written about my most recent counseling session.

I'm having a love-hate relationship with counseling right now. Mostly on the side of hate.

Too many things have happened that make me feel squeamish and uncomfortable. I feel my heart yelling, "THIS IS NOT SAFE!" because of things he has said and opinions he has shared that differ from my core beliefs.

As my wonderful sisters reached out to me to offer love and support, one of them pointed out that my description of my counselor and things he said (specifically yesterday) made her uncomfortable. She said she is learning to honor that in herself.

I need to honor that in myself as well. I am the type of person who always looks for the benefit of the doubt. So, even though I feel unsafe being vulnerable with my counselor, I keep telling myself things like, "He is a good guy," or "He was recommended to me by people who swear by him," or "He is a well sought-after LDS counselor in this area," or "Ben really likes him, though, and he is helping Ben a lot," and giving him the benefit of the doubt that somehow, eventually, I will feel safe and it will be a great counseling experience. I mean, in reality, he has done a lot of good for me. He has helped me see some things with more clarity. But that isn't outweighing the additional pains I am suffering because of things he has said to me.

My heart is screaming at me to get out and find someone else. Or just stop going to counseling altogether (because I can handle this on my own...which I know is probably not true and I know with a baby there will be all kinds of added stress that I will probably need help with anyway).

So, my goal for myself is to honor the feelings my heart is telling me. Not just with this situation, but in all things. God whispers. I need to focus on His whispers to my heart and allow myself to be open to what He is saying to me. Maybe this counselor was great for certain things. And maybe he is great for certain people. But not me. Not right now. So I think I need to listen to the red flags my heart is signaling.

Friday, January 2, 2015


It's crazy to think about where I was a year ago versus now.

A year ago, I was not sure I had the hope or the love that could help make our marriage work. I was contemplating separation with the possibility of divorce. I was in so much pain that I was starting to lose hope in my ability to be healed.

I had no idea what 2014 would bring us.

Last year was so incredibly healing. I found strength and courage. I found hope and light. And while many things happened that took me back to dark places, I've relied more on my Savior and found resiliency through Him. I did hard things, brave things, that showed me I can do anything.

I'm not really big on new year resolutions or new beginnings. I believe we should be setting goals and beginning again every day. However, I am grateful to be able to reflect on the past year and see the growth and changes that have taken place.

I can't really say this year will be so much better or that anything will really be that different. But I can say I look forward to the changes that can take place for the better. That's not because it's a new year, but it's because we have been striving to make changes for a long time, and it our reflections and check-ins together happen frequently.

A lot of bad happened last year. But so did a lot of good. I am grateful for both the bad and the good because I can see me emerging. I am finding myself again. I am being shaped by my experiences, and I am trying to be better with each thing that comes my way.

I have no idea what 2015 will bring us. But I know both hard and great things will happen because that is life. I pray that I can take the opportunities one at a time and grow better with each one, no matter how hard or debilitating they seem. If I can do that, 2015 will be a success no matter what.