I realized today that I'm not including God enough in my recovery and healing.
I've had a lot of emotions swirling through me in the past 15 hours. This morning, as I have been riding out the wave, I've wondered who to talk to and what to do. The pull to talk to my usual support people isn't very strong right now because I fear that I will be told enough is enough. I'm afraid people won't support me in some of my decisions right now. And I just can't deal with that.
But I need guidance. And the thing is, no one can give me guidance. My friends and support people can tell me what they think based on their own experiences and limited knowledge of my relationship with my husband, but no one can really tell me what to do. I can't even tell me where to go from here because I honestly have no clue.
As I mulled this over and started feeling a little helpless, I remembered that God is there. He always listens, and He can see all. He knows what to do.
He understands the intense love I feel for Ben, even when he messes up. Along with that, He understands the inner conflict of emotions I have when Ben messes up.
He understands the pain I feel from the addiction.
He understands the heartache I feel to watch Ben struggle to overcome this beast that has been with him for over half his life.
He understands the fears I have regarding the addiction and our future family.
And He understands that I just can't deal with the addiction right now. I'm too pregnant. It's too hard.
So He can lift me up and hold me. And He can help me get through each moment.
I'm sad that I forgot how amazing God is. I've been doing the checklist of things to turn to Him every day, but it takes more effort to really include Him in my life. So that's what I'm working on--and I know I'll be okay.
My doctor says the baby can come any time. I'm hoping for sooner rather than later. But I'll trust God's timing on bringing this child to my arms as well as the other things I'm working on turning over to Him.