Tuesday, August 25, 2015


I can't remember if I've talked about it on this blog as we have planned this big step in our lives, but we just moved back to Utah. This is huge. A leap of faith.

Through the entire process of preparing to move, moving, and now settling in, things have been pretty crazy. But for the most part, I've been at peace (Except, of course, for a few freak-out moments. But they have to come, right? I just ride the wave.). I'm feeling really good about how I am currently handling things in my life. Some things have had to drop (for example, unpacking is going much slower than normal) down on my priority list to make room for the most important things.

These are my most important things:
-spending time with my baby
-allowing my relationship with Ben to have mobility
-healing myself
-my relationship with God

I'm really trying to listen to my heart and body to find joy in every day. I'm trying to have a sense of joy and wholeness no matter where I am or what I am doing.

Other things that are important right now:
-getting out of my comfort zone to make new friends
-love and support my existing friends, whether from up close or from a distance

I think life is really hard to balance. There are so many things. All. The. Time. So I'm just trying to focus on each moment and do what makes me feel whole on any given day.

Friday, August 14, 2015



Last night while I was studying my scriptures, I came across this verse:

3 Nephi 12:22But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of his judgment. And whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council, and whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

This really hit me. Jesus is in the Americas teaching the Nephites. I've read a verse recently that talked about contention being of the devil. And now there is this verse talking about anger and calling people a fool. 

The reason it hit me so hard is because I have been incredibly angry lately. Along with my anger, I call Ben names in my head. A lot. Calling him a "fool" would be a nicer way of saying what I say in my head quite often.

A lot of the time, I feel justified in my anger. sometimes I actually choose to remain angry because I'm not ready to move on, or I want to prove a point to Ben, or I want make him suffer or something. But sometimes the simple fact that I'm hurt and upset translates into anger because it's a pretty easy emotion to feel and portray. 

This was a good reminder from the scriptures that anger is not of God. Anger is a masking emotion. It's also very addictive. When I feel angry, I need to process through it rather than let it sit and fester for days. I need to ask myself what the real, underlying emotions I'm feeling are. And then I need to process those emotions. I think it's okay to feel righteous anger, and, especially with the things I'm dealing with, it would be silly to tell myself I'm not allowed to feel any anger whatsoever. Anger is natural. But I have to work through it, and that's where the problem is. I'm getting to comfortable sitting in my anger and doing nothing about it, and I think the biggest reason I do that is because I want my anger to call out and make Ben miserable right along with me (Satan, anyone? Ha. Ha. Ha...). I know from experience anger is addictive, and I know the place my brain and heart can travel when I'm living in anger. 

So I need to work on processing my anger in healthy ways. 

Right now I'm trying to learn how to be happy and joyful on a regular basis. I'm working on feeling joy as my default in life, whereas right now anger tends to be my default. 

I'm trying to learn how to be free of the damage the addiction has wrought on me. I'm focusing on healing. And I can't heal when I'm fastened to the tether of anger. I have to work through the actual emotions I'm feeling and let go of the anger--give it to God. 

The healing I desire can't take place when I'm fastened to the anger (or when I'm constantly bashing Ben in my head--"Thou fool"... or worse). 

Tuesday, August 11, 2015


I started writing a blog post, a letter to my husband, but then it got way too personal for here. Apparently I do have boundaries about what I share on here. [haha]

Part of my heartache is that while there is so much negative, there is also so much positive. My husband is a good person. And he would be even better without the addiction. I can see so much potential, and it just hurts that I saw his potential and knew all the good when we got married but have been hit with so much bad since. I hate the feelings I have towards him and feeling like I'm in limbo, wishing I loved him like I used to or think I should.

We are preparing to move to Utah. This has the potential to make or break our family. I am excited for all the good that can happen. But I'm also nervous for the bad that could happen. I'm hoping for the good. But I guess it just doesn't help that he isn't living in solid recovery and while he wishes he had the motivation to do so, he doesn't. So that isn't very hopeful right now.

There is good in our relationship. And that is what keeps me here. But romantically and emotionally, he isn't all the way here. He is too distracted by too many things.

Today while I was praying, I felt this strong urge to figure out how to live without him. I don't mean divorce [but maybe one day... ugh] but just emotionally live my life without him. I'm afraid to, though. I'm afraid if I do that, if he ever comes around and does get into real recovery, maybe I will be too used to doing things solo that I won't be ready or willing to let him back in.

I have one foot here ready to go and willing to work on things and love him with all my might. But I have one foot out the door wondering when it's time to split. Being half-in/half-out isn't a good way to live.