Life happens

It's been a very long time since a blogged. Possibly the longest hiatus I've had...

I'll start by shouting, "Hey, I'm pregnant!" [Almost 18 weeks along.] One of the last blog posts I wrote was about us starting to try for child number two. Well, things truly happen on God's timing. I wasn't anticipating becoming pregnant right away, but it happened. Which really just goes to show me that all the promptings and feelings I had that the time is right were important to listen to. And I like to think that this child of God is a strong spirit, ready to come to this world. We are so excited! [And I'll add a side note that while we were trying for three years for number one, that didn't mean the timing was any less important than this one. We felt very strongly that we needed to be trying, and it was definitely a growing experience. If anything, I've learned to be patient with God and trust in His plan, no matter if it seems different than what my plan is.]

The past few months have been very trying. At the beginning of my pregnancy was my husband's last relapse. It was difficult to take that leap of faith and start trying again only to have the addiction rear it's ugly head. Talk about hormones. Then there was the severe morning sickness that seemed to never end (the barfing has finally stopped, thank goodness. Nausea still there, but it's getting better!). And taking care of an active toddler during pregnancy is really something special. Haha. I'm learning to live in the moment and not stress too much. This pregnancy is really beautiful, as is this short time I have with only one child.

Through feeling sick and overwhelmed much of the past few months, I really haven't done a great job at doing my "dailies"--namely scripture study and prayer. It's not that I don't want to take those moments to bring the Spirit into my heart; it's just been difficult. When I feel stretched too thin, I just want some space for myself. I've been binge-reading the Harry Potter series during spare moments of time, which has been lovely but also taken away from other things I could or possibly should be doing.

Yesterday I decided to take time every day to study my scriptures and ponder, Even if it's a brief ten minutes. I've learned over the past few months that I need this spiritual renewal every day. When I go longer stretches without studying or praying, I really feel the impact it has on my daily life. I'm much less patient and feel far more overwhelmed with everything. On the other hand, when I keep Christ an active part of my day, I feel less stressed and more capable, peaceful, and whole.

I decided to start the Book of Mormon again, and I came across one of my favorite verses:

". . . But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance." --1 Nephi 1:20 

These words really spoke to me today as I was reminded of all the hard things Nephi's family went through. I've read the Book of Mormon countless times, so I know what's coming. This verse had a profound impact on me as I thought about how his family fled Jerusalem and lived in the wilderness for years. His mother even gave birth to two children while they lived in the wilderness. Nephi himself was bullied by his older brothers. And they were asked to sacrifice and give much of themselves during all this time. Nephi is abridging his father's words, so he wrote these words about tender mercies after all they had suffered.

I was reminded that life happens. It just does. Hard things happen because of other people's agency affecting our lives. And hard things happen just because it's a part of the process we experience to grow and potentially become our best selves and live with God again. But no matter the hard things or why they happen, the important thing is that God is always there. He is always watching over us and giving us "tender mercies." We just have to keep our eyes peeled and never forget that we are not alone.

Crash and burn

Life has been very busy lately. On Thursday, I crashed and burned. After processing through my grief, guilt, and shame, I came to a place of peace and acceptance of what had happened. And then I committed to making sure I get time every day to just be me. I've spent so much time caring about everyone else around me (baby and husband with injured back are the main ones) that I haven't taken the time to take care of myself. I've been numbing through facebook, which has really only led me to feel more guilt and shame than I need because it's a poor attempt to do something for myself that is not actually meaningful most of the time. 

Sometimes I just really hate being an adult because I have to be responsible. Blech. But at the same time, I love my responsibilities, namely my family. I love my son and spending time with him. So, I'm taking the time to make sure I'm doing what needs to be done while balancing me-time. I just have to make sure that the time I spend on myself is meaningful, not numbing. Numbing always leads me to want more and feel guilt for not doing what I *should* do for myself. 

The most important thing is that I take care of myself so I don't crash and burn like I did on Thursday. 

Half-in/Half-out

I started writing a blog post, a letter to my husband, but then it got way too personal for here. Apparently I do have boundaries about what I share on here. [haha]

Part of my heartache is that while there is so much negative, there is also so much positive. My husband is a good person. And he would be even better without the addiction. I can see so much potential, and it just hurts that I saw his potential and knew all the good when we got married but have been hit with so much bad since. I hate the feelings I have towards him and feeling like I'm in limbo, wishing I loved him like I used to or think I should.

We are preparing to move to Utah. This has the potential to make or break our family. I am excited for all the good that can happen. But I'm also nervous for the bad that could happen. I'm hoping for the good. But I guess it just doesn't help that he isn't living in solid recovery and while he wishes he had the motivation to do so, he doesn't. So that isn't very hopeful right now.

There is good in our relationship. And that is what keeps me here. But romantically and emotionally, he isn't all the way here. He is too distracted by too many things.

Today while I was praying, I felt this strong urge to figure out how to live without him. I don't mean divorce [but maybe one day... ugh] but just emotionally live my life without him. I'm afraid to, though. I'm afraid if I do that, if he ever comes around and does get into real recovery, maybe I will be too used to doing things solo that I won't be ready or willing to let him back in.

I have one foot here ready to go and willing to work on things and love him with all my might. But I have one foot out the door wondering when it's time to split. Being half-in/half-out isn't a good way to live.

Humble Pie

In my last post, I talked about an experience through prayer that I think will help me finally move past the anger.

Here is what happened:

After my amazing experience at group on Sunday, I came home and Ben acted like a complete jerk because I got home later than he expected and the little man really wanted his mama to help get him to bed. So, he was screaming, and Ben was stressed and maxed out and couldn't handle it anymore. We've since talked about it and things are okay now, but Sunday night and Monday morning "Ben is a jerk" was in my head. So I was, um, really mad. To put it nicely.

I had a really good Monday, though. I went out with a friend from my group. We went to Babies R Us and Joann's. By the time I got home, I was feeling much better about life. My back was achy though (remember how my back completely went out about a week and a half ago?). But I took a nap with the little man, and by the time we were done with that, Ben was done with work. Awesome. I had big plans to clean and start getting things ready for our trip to Utah.

Ben said he had a headache. Not too long later, he said his whole body was achy. Then it escalated from achy to "I really don't feel good at all. Everything hurts." And I kind of flipped.

I've been really angry for the past five months. I've been struggling to love him and feel dedication to making things work in our marriage. I've kind of just been passively floating. So I did NOT feel like I had it in me to take care of him. Or do anything without him, for that matter. I was angry that he felt sick because that meant I had to do dinner, clean, and keep the little man entertained (he gets pretty fussy at night) ALL BY MYSELF.

It wasn't Ben's fault. He felt sick. I knew he wasn't faking it, but I was still just SO MAD that I really wasn't very nice to him. Then I felt guilty because when I get sick, or like when my back went out, he has always taken very good care of me. Why couldn't I return the favor? Because I have been mad at him for basically five months.

I was so irritated at myself for feeling so mad about Ben feeling sick. But also irritated at God that He let Ben get sick. So I put the little man in his bouncer and went into another room to pray. I started sobbing uncontrollably and just repeated over and over that I couldn't do this, that everything had been so heavy for so long, and I just couldn't handle Ben being sick and me having to be nice and compassionate to him.

My prayer went like this:

"Please, God, make him better! I can't do this!" *cries*

God: "Yes you can. I'm right here, it will be okay."

"No it won't! I can't do this! Please don't make me do this tonight!"

God: "You can. You just don't want to."

"You're right. I don't want to! Please don't make meeee!"

He told me during my prayer that He was helping more than I realized, that He was answering my prayers to help me love Ben more. Love is developed through charity. And He was giving me the opportunity to selflessly love and serve Ben, just as He has always served me.

You can't really argue with that. So I gave up arguing with Him and just accepted His embrace. Then I got up and got to work. Thankfully, the little man was pretty happy in his bouncer for a while, so I did some major cleaning. When he started getting fussy, we went for a walk, and that helped hold him over for a bit more so I could keep cleaning after we got back. Ben had taken a nap, and when he woke up, I was able to humbly apologize for being such a stink about him being sick, and we had a really good evening together.

I had a real change of heart last night. I went from irrationally angry to peaceful and loving because of my communication with God. I felt Him by my side the whole night, just like He promised. I felt my love increase a lot as a result of my prayer and understanding from my communion with God.




Lately, I've had this thought about our relationship: Ben is the one ruining things. He has to be the one to make it better. It's not up to me. I've done all I can do. Remember that time I did the Love Dare? I did the Love Dare even though I'm not the one destroying our marriage. It's his. effing. turn.

That's not very Christlike. Obviously, I'm not going to do anything stupid, and I'm really going to make efforts to have boundaries and stuff so I'm not enabling his addiction. But I've been begging God for help, and He told me that the answer is Christlike love. Service. Charity. 

So I'll take a little slice of that humble pie and press onward.

And I do feel way less angry than I did last week.

Satan is already attacking me. So I'm working on keeping an eternal perspective and keeping Satan's attempts at destroying us at bay.

Hard times and hope

I've been struggling lately. Like really struggling. The kind of struggling where you tell your husband that you don't really like him and struggle to love him. I've been here before. We have rebuilt before. I have held on to hope for so long, but lately it's just seemed so much harder. It's been hard to have hope. Hard to hold on. Hard to lean on the Savior. Hard to trust in anyone. Hard to give. Hard to love. Hard. Just hard. I'm exhausted. Emotional. Afraid.

I've become kind of hardened. There was a time when I placed full faith in my Savior, in the Atonement, in living the gospel and giving my all to life. During that time, everything that was hard was balanced out by my Savior. But over the past couple of years, things have been so rocky and it's been hard to hold on. Living with an active addict wears you down.

It's really easy to just not study my scriptures, not have a companionship study, and not give service or fulfill my callings. I'm struggling and no one sees it. I've been buried alive and it's just easy to say, "Ok. I give up. These things aren't changing things anyway. My husband still acts out. He still hides things. I still hurt, so why keep trying?" It's easy to give up an withdraw into myself.

I've spent the better part of the past year and a half depressed. I mean, I try to some extent. I haven't given up completely, but my trying has at times been very mediocre. Because I'm hurting and the "spiritual" things I've been doing haven't seemed to make changes anyway so why do all I could do when I feel like I'm barely floating? I've tried to rely on myself. At times, I've kind of taken God almost completely out of the picture.

I know this is kind of rambly, but what I'm trying to say is right now I'm reflecting back on the four very long years that I've known about this addiction. I can see the times when the Savior has lifted me up. And I can see the times when, in my anger and stubbornness, I've withdrawn from Him and counted only on myself. Guess which time brought me more peace and strength?

I'm trying to rebuild. Right now my relationship with my husband is kind of like two friends sharing an apartment and taking care of a baby together. And watching lots of Netflix. It's not really a terrible gig. But it's not a marriage, and it doesn't feel right.

As I have evaluated things, I've come to some conclusions and set goals for myself. The main thing I'm focusing on right now is bringing the Spirit into my home every day. For the first time in our marriage, we have studied the scriptures together every day for three weeks. We haven't missed a day in three weeks. And I get excited to do companionship study. That hasn't happened since we were dating or very newlyweds. I've also rededicated myself to studying the gospel on my own every day. I miss the occasional day, but rarely. Last week, I committed myself to studying during Baby's first nap of the day, and since I have started doing that, it's been really great. I've also committed myself to following promptings. I'm sure I miss some, but as I have started making an effort to recognize and follow my promptings, I'm discovering more and more promptings from the Spirit.

I've been really struggling lately. But through all my struggles, I've learned an important thing. No matter what, I can't do this without the Savior. I need Him. And even when I've left Him behind a bit and stubbornly tried to do this on my own, He has always been right here lifting me up and waiting on me to come back to Him.

I don't know when Ben will get into "real" recovery. I don't know when we will ever have a solid period of sobriety and recovery and be able to feel what life feels like without the addiction raging its massive head on us. I don't know if he will ever recover, and that scares me. I have so much fear of the future.

BUT

I do know that there is hope. There is. And I know that God is giving me little promptings every day to show me that hope. For example, today as I partook of the sacrament, He showed me a little bit of His love for Ben. He showed me that He has forgiven Him and that I will eventually be able to as well.

There is hope.

I said I've become hardened. I have. I feel jaded by the addiction, and it's been hard to feel any hope lately. But I know I've been distancing myself from God. So I'm working on becoming softer and more moldable. I'm bringing the Spirit into my life and heart, and I'm trying to follow what God wants me to do and allow Him to change me.

That's really all I can do right now. I can't control the addiction. But I can draw closer to the Savior and hold on to the peace and hope He can bring me.

One Contraction at a Time

Somewhere down the line, I started believing I couldn't do hard things. I can't pinpoint at what point I came to believe that way of thinking, but I have a few ideas of how it got there. It's most likely because I'm tired. I'm just tired and overrun by fears. I'm learning how to acknowledge the fears in my heart and then release them rather than allow them to build up and cause tension and pain.

At my birth class this week, the instructor noticed Ben and me giggling a lot during the part about medical interventions. We weren't meaning to be disrespectful; we were just giggling because of all the fears I have about my body's potential response to certain medical interventions during birth (along with my fears of pain).

During a break, she came to talk to us about our thoughts on the medical interventions and if I knew what I wanted to do regarding birth (at our first class, we had to state our goals for the class. My main goal was to determine whether or not I wanted to go natural or receive medication). During the conversation that followed, I confided in her that I really want to go natural but am simply afraid of the pain.

Some people tell me I have a high pain tolerance. That may be true, or it may have been true at one point, but I'm just really not sure. All I know is the pain is exhausting. I've dealt with so much pain, both physically and emotionally, and I'm just not sure how much more I can handle.

When I told the instructor I'm afraid of the pain, she turned to Ben and said, "Do you know what to say to that? You tell her she can do it. And you practice the techniques we have been and will be learning about coping with labor." She reminded me I have to take it one contraction at a time, I have to remember to breathe, and I have to think I can do this.

Note to self: remember the pain cycle.

This week, I've been practicing telling myself I can do hard things. I'm trying to really internalize and believe it.

I've had quite a few triggers regarding the addiction this week. Those triggers have brought me pain because I've allowed myself to dwell on fears and think what if I can't do this for very much longer? I've had thoughts and fears running so deep that I'm entirely unsure of myself and my state of mind. Then this morning, I started working step 4 in Healing Through Christ, and I became a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of the inventory [again.].

Over the past year, I've had tremendous stretching opportunities. That's probably why I'm so tired. Just in the past couple of months, I've had multiple opportunities to look outside myself and my personal bubble and serve others. That is also exhausting (or at least it seems to be for me). Some days, I just question everything and wonder what exactly I am doing. And then when there are super triggery weeks like this one, I wonder if I have the strength to keep going. I wonder if I should just start shutting the world out again and focus on me.

But no, I can't just focus on me. I love the joy that has come from the stretching and service-giving of this year. And I also know deep down that I can do anything if I lean on the Savior for support.

When I fear the pain, I have to remember to take life one contraction...er, I mean one day or one moment...at a time. I have to remember to breathe. And I have to remind myself that I can do hard things. Because I can. I've made it through every hard thing that has come my way. It's all about perspective.

I'm going through a funk

I haven't written in a while. This is not like me.

I guess I just don't know what I'm doing right now.

I'm going through a funk. I kind of know why. But I can't explain why.

Part of this funk is that I went from an extremely busy kind of hell to...this. Whatever this is. Not working. Working on "healing." Trying to piece myself back together. Anddddd. I guess I don't know if it's working. I'm definitely seeing changes. But they aren't changes I really expected.

For example, I used to be very self-motivated. Now, I think I'm getting lazy. I hate any kind of work. It's such a battle. Every. Stinkin. Day. Laundry? Ben, can you help me? Dishes? I hate dishes. Ben, can you help me? Picking up crap around the apartment? Ben, I can't do this by myself--can you help me?
[but it's not lazy, more of just an effect of trauma, right??]

Except Ben does pretty much all of it. That's not really true. But I think he does more than his share. Because guess what? Kilee has no job. But Ben does as much or more housework. And that feels not fair to him, but he is a great sport and doesn't complain.

I had all these plans to draw closer to God and serve people. I had these ideas of what it would take for my "healing." And it's just not going according to plan. Granted, we are still experiencing major life changes. Things are happening that are stressing me out. And I think I was stretched so thin that I can't figure out how to slide back together and function properly.

In my head, I should be getting a job (and I started the application to be a substitute teacher this morning. So that is something). We could definitely use the income I would bring in. But, the idea of working stresses me out. So badly. It sends me into this spiral of anxiety and depression that I had when I was working.

I'm afraid being a teacher is ruined for me. Kind of like when you throw up and that food is forever ruined. Because of the life stress that happened and the pain I experienced while being a teacher (not to mention the added stress and anxiety I had from being a teacher), I'm afraid of teaching again. Even subbing. But I'm trying to push through that because it is what works best with my schedule.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess to just sort out my thoughts and figure out what is going on in my head.

I am struggling. But this isn't a call for help. I'm just telling it like it is because this is my blog.

I'm struggling with a lot of things, and I haven't figured out how to piece my life back together.

And that's okay because I know I will figure it out. I know that God will help me.

I even know some of the things I need to do to piece my life back together. I just have to do them--and that is hard.

I'm mad. And tired. And blessed.

Read the first two posts of this particular part of my story: Dating Ben and The irony.


I've had our story on my mind so much lately. I'm hurting. I'm hurting for what has been lost because of the addiction. I'm mourning the life I had, or thought I had, and desired. My life will never be the same.

I got a big disclosure back in February. It's taken many steps to gain trust back. Ben entered "real recovery" and was doing so well. We even decided it was time to start trying to have a baby again (Personal decision. Don't ask. Don't judge.).

Last week he masturbated.

Part of me is like, "it's just masturbation." Seriously, how desensitized can I get? And how desperate to believe that my life isn't falling apart?

Here is what I think about "just masturbation": Go to hell, stupid thought.

Okay, here is what I really think about masturbation. I think I deserve better than someone who "self-pleases". I also deserve better than someone who will fantasize about having sex with another woman. I recognize that this is an addiction, and these behaviors aren't necessarily about sex (though I think they are sometimes), but about an improper way of dealing with life. For a while I rationalized masturbation with him because I didn't understand it (and I'm sure I still don't). And he always said that I couldn't expect him to be perfect because he was addicted. Well guess what? I can expect full fidelity from him. AND, if things are triggering him, I can expect him to talk to me about it. Especially when I ask how things are going. And if he has fought the fight with all his might and still acts out, then maybe I would be less mad at his actions because I know his heart was in the right place and he was trying. But last week, I asked him how he was doing. I was out of town and knew it was hard on him. He kept telling me he was fine. He did not once let me in to even have a clue that bad things were happening in his mind and his fences were being torn down.

So I'm mad. I'm mad at much more than just the masturbation.

I'm mad at infidelity.

I'm mad at lies.

With his relapse has come a lot of dark thoughts. Among them is the only-too-familiar "I've thought about leaving you and living in my addiction." That, above all else, makes me the most angry. He can't freaking leave me. If anyone leaves, it's me. I'm the one who gets to leave. He doesn't deserve to leave me. He is lucky he still has me. We are fighting to overcome this addiction and the ruin it's caused our marriage. I've given so much. I've sacrificed so much. And now, after already having worked through this before, I'm living (again) with this fear that I won't be enough. That his love for me won't be enough. That he will choose porn and sex over me.

So I'm mad. I'm angry. I'm furious and fuming.

I'm mad that my life will never be the same.
I have hope that one day it will be great, but right now it sucks sometimes.

And that's okay. Because I'm learning and growing.

I realized this week, that in all my anger lately, I have been stepping away from the Atonement. I'm just tired of trying. It's such an effort sometimes. And sometimes all I can do is get by. Those times have their place in life, I think. But right now, I need to start reaching out to Christ more. Even if all I do is try to survive, I know I need to reach out to Him to help me survive. It's only through Him that I will get through this. I know that, but sometimes I forget because I feel worthless and broken.

I read this talk by Elder Holland this morning.

I was struck by so many things:

I was reminded to have compassion (I'll say for myself, for the addict, and for those around me. I need to start being more aware and reaching out in compassion to others who need service.).

I was reminded that I am in the pursuit of godliness. My trials will either bring me closer or farther away. I have a choice right now, and I'm going to choose closer to God.

I was reminded that my faith in Christ will lift me up.

I need to seek the spirit and choose not to harden my heart against God.

I was reminded that I'm not alone in my depression (hey, guys, I suffer from DEPRESSION). And the things I'm feeling as a result of my depression are REAL.

I was reminded that "if things continue to be debilitating" I need to "seek the advice of reputable people with certified training." (which I will discuss with my bishop relatively soon)

I need to be patient. And mindful of and grateful for small victories.

"...if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."

I am more than my limitations and afflictions. 

I also read this verse--Alma 14:24: "How long shall we suffer these great afflictions, O Lord? O Lord, give us strength according to our faith which is in Christ, even unto deliverance. And they broke the cords with which they were bound."

As I read that verse, I was reminded of the cords that bind us in our marriages as we fight this addiction. Sometimes we feel stuck and bound. I know Christ gives us strength to break those cords. It may be in setting and enforcing boundaries to keep us safe. It may be in walking away from a destructive marriage. It may be in breaking the cords that make us feel like Satan is controlling us and dragging us to hell. Whatever it may be for our individual situations, I know God can and will give us strength because we are precious to Him.

So, while I sometimes hate what life has given me, and I hate this addiction, and while I sometimes feel that life is super ironic and I'm no longer lucky like I thought I was when we got married, I am grateful for the blessings I have. Every day I find little things that remind me God is watching out for me. Yesterday it was a fun day at Six-Flags, with little emotional pain or trauma to bother me. Today, it was what I learned as I studied that talk and that chapter in Alma. Hopefully there will be more little blessings. It's only 11:30. I still have much of the day ahead of me.


Follow-up: Why I Stay

Just Keep Swimming

I'm moving tomorrow.
I don't currently have a fitness center or gym in TX where I know I can go swim.
I HAVE to swim. I have too many physical issues to do any other type of exercise consistently. So swimming is where it's at for me.

This morning, I went to my fitness center for one last swim. I don't know when I will get to swim again (hopefully soon, but I honestly don't know. We may not be able to pay for a gym right now). As I got into the water and swam a few strokes, I thought, I'm going to swim a mile today.

The last time I swam a mile was last summer. Since school started, I haven't been able to exercise consistently, although I have been fairly consistent over the past month. Usually I swim 15-20 laps. A mile is 33. But both my body and my brain were feeling a mile this morning, so during my first lap, I allowed myself to commit to one whole mile.

Ouch.

By the third lap, I was seriously questioning myself. I'm only on the third lap, I thought. I don't have to do a mile. I can change my mind. But then I thought if I changed my mind, after committing to one mile, I would be a chicken and a failure. I really wanted to swim a mile. But I was afraid.

I'm really good at chickening out of things lately. I've been in so much pain that I always fear anything else might push me over the edge. When my arms started burning (thanks to my Jillian Michaels workout I did yesterday) during my third lap, I wanted to recommit to just 15 laps. But I told myself no. I put myself in a rhythm and focused on my form. I focused on my strokes, my breathing, and the way my body was turning. My goggles fogged up, and I didn't even stop to un-fog them. I just kept swimming, focusing, and breathing.

I started out with a rhythm of four freestyle laps followed by one breaststroke. I figured by breaking it up into sets of five laps, my body would be able to rhythmically glide through my 33 laps. After 10 laps, however, I kind of wanted to die. So, I changed the plan and swam with my usual rhythm of two free followed by one breaststroke (sets of 3). It was a little different course that I had intended, but it still worked.

After 20 laps with no break, my breathing became very heavy. I could feel sweat pouring off my face into the water around me. I was so hot. And so thirsty. Get to 25 and then take a break. After 25 you can refuel and continue on. 

By lap 22, I felt like I was swimming in mud. My arms were on fire, and I could barely pull myself forward. (Note that I have never in my entire life swam 25 laps with no breaks.)

Stroke stroke stroke breathe. Stroke stroke stroke breathe.

Whenever I felt like giving up, I focused on my body movements. I focused on keeping my form perfect. I allowed myself to slow down and do it right rather than let my body get crazy and roll into a form that could hurt me (I've hurt my back and neck by allowing myself to swim with poor form).

Lap 25: break. I stopped to refuel and replenish my energy, then I continued. The final eight laps were so easy, but so hard. I kept telling myself I could do it. I imagined my best friends cheering me on around me. I did a little dance in my head, and I literally felt angels around me cheering me on.

I'm so glad I finished my mile. I did it. I DID IT!!!

The entire time I swam, I thought of the many parallels that swim had to my own life.

Sometimes I go to fast or try to fall into a rhythm that doesn't really work. When that rhythm doesn't work, I'm tempted to just give up or cut my journey short (lap 10). Instead, I need to just change what I'm doing a little bit so I have the energy I need to keep going. It's much easier to swim two free, one breaststroke than four free, one breaststroke. But in the beginning I chose the harder rhythm because I thought I could do it that way, and I wanted to be awesome. I didn't have the strength, so I needed to change course to something that I did have strength for.

Sometimes I feel like I'm swimming in mud. Sometimes life gets me so down, and everything just feels so hard that I want to quit. I want to run away and hide. I want to scream and throw tantrums. I want to break things and cry. That's the sign that I need to slow down and find a stopping point to refuel. We all need that. And each person is individual--some of us may need more time to refuel than others. Some of us may need different types of self-care than others. Even in my own life, I've seen how at different times, I may need more self-care than other times. Like now. Right now, I need self-care. I need to stop and refuel, and I am doing that by quitting my job and moving to Texas.

Even after we stop and refuel, sometimes it's still hard. But we have angels on our sides supporting us. We have friends and family cheering us on. And most importantly, we have God. I didn't have to swim a mile, but I really wanted to. God knew how important it was to me, and I know He blessed me with the ability to have the mental strength I needed to conquer that mile. I could have quit. But I saw that I was learning an important life lesson about my own strength and ability to choose my fate. And I chose to keep swimming.

I've felt many times in this horrible mess that is my life that I don't have power or control over what is going on. I have felt Satan seriously attacking me, and at times, I have felt controlled by Him. I have felt lost and alone, and I have had no desire to go on.

But I choose to go on. I choose to recognize when things are out of control. I choose to turn to God, even when the darkness is so thick that I can't seem to find Him. I choose my reactions to my husband's addiction. I choose my recovery. I choose to pray. I choose to study my scriptures. I choose to have faith. I choose to have hope. That is me choosing to focus on form. When things are really out of control, I only need to focus on the basics to get me through. I don't need anything crazy--just breathing, focusing, and the desire to go on.

There is so much power in our choices. 

Choose to keep swimming. When the going gets tough, remember that you are strong. If you don't feel strong, remember that God is strong, and He is by your side. Maybe the mud is too thick, and that's why you can't see Him. But eventually you will find your way out of that black mudhole and find Him. Focus on your form. Breathe. Replenish. Refuel.

Just keep swimming. 

Dear Kilee

Dear Kilee,

You are beautiful. You are wonderful. You are so deeply loved by a Father in Heaven and and elder Brother. Your understanding of their love for you is so much smaller than the actual amount. Know that. Hold that. Be still. Feel their nearness. Let their love fill your heart, and please don't give up.

They see you. They know you. They feel your pain. They want it to end just as much as you do, but this is a result of another person's agency, and it must work its course.

They are supporting you. Look around. See the beauty they have given you. Recognize it for what it's worth. Know you are being carried at this very moment. You are being carried every moment of every day this week. And you will continue to be carried until they know it is safe to let you walk on your own feet again.

Ben has hurt you. He has hurt you for more than three years. As a result, you have not only endured horrific pain, you have learned and grown. You have learned a lot at your young age, and the things you are learning will give you strength and a stronger capacity to love and serve others in the future. You have a divine purpose. Don't forget that.

Ben has crossed a line that has never been crossed before. It's only natural to feel anger. Anger is part of the healing process. Break the anger down. Anger is a mask for other emotions. Don't let those emotions sit and fester as anger. Figure out what is really going on, and allow yourself to feel the true emotions lying beneath. Don't get me wrong, you can be angry. Release your angry energy and tension so it doesn't fester and become something much worse. But deal with the other emotions as well, or they, too, will fester and boil.

Remember the promises God has made with you. Remember the instruction and guidance He gave you in the priesthood blessing you received just Sunday from your father on earth who loves you very much. Remember that Ben loves you and your relationship can be repaired. Now is not the time to give up on him. Hold on for a little bit longer.

Things are hard right now. I know you want to burst into tears at every waking moment. I know you would be happy to have an accident fall upon you so you don't have to face reality. I know you want to quit your job. I know you're exhausted and depressed. I know you feel completely broken, and the glue doesn't seem to be all the way dry before you get dropped off the roof again. But I also know that you are strong. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Be gentle. It's okay to cry. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to take the time you need to yourself to heal. Do what you need to do. Slow down when you feel like you're going faster than you have the strength.

Breathe. Feel the air fill your lungs and blood course through your veins.

Laugh. Laugh at the silly things your students do. Laugh at the sweet things your sisters do. Laugh when people make ignorant remarks.

Love. Find opportunities to serve. Show those you love that you love them. Look beyond yourself and love others, and as you love others, you will feel God's love for you even stronger.

You can do this. I believe in you.

Love,

Me

Refuel

I've sat here for almost 20 minutes trying to figure out what to write. I had so much swirling around in my head, and I was so excited to write. I can't get anything out, though. I'm too sick, too tired, and too stressed to actually write any of the things that were jumping to get out. They just get jumbled and messy, and I can't even go back and read what I've written to make sure it makes sense because it just makes my head spin. I should have gone to bed an hour ago, but I couldn't. Too much to do.

Bah. I can't wait till Thanksgiving Break.

Just know, blogging world, I was thinking about you. And I love you.

Just know this too:

"Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior's own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead." --Jeffrey R. Holland

It's hard to trust in happier days ahead when the future looks so bleak. There are happier days ahead. I'm finding mine, and I know there are more to come. And even if things are so, so hard, remember there is opposition in all things. If you are feeling lonely and depressed, there must be opposition. I've found that the more intense my negative emotions, the more intense the opposite positive emotions. Things will go up.

And, if you're running on empty, refuel. Take time for yourself so you don't run out of gas at a busy intersection. That would really stink. Find what you need for you. I'll tell you what I do to refuel: I listen to my soul food playlist. I smell my favorite candle. I pray. I do relaxation breathing and fall asleep. I read. I talk to friends. I dance.

Have a wonderful night/day :)

I am not a failure.

Satan is a trickster. A master trickster.

I've been feeling down lately. I'm supposed to be working on step 10, but let's be honest here, I barely have time to read my scriptures and pray. My strength feels like it's waning. I am working on step 10, in my own way. Every day, I try to hold myself accountable to the things I've learned and know I should be doing. I try to check myself for anger and impatience and all the little things that result. The problem is I don't like what I'm seeing in myself every day.

Things have just been hard. My life isn't bad, by any means, but Satan would like me to think that. With the move, stresses and responsibilities at school, and a few other factors, my life is hectic. It's becoming a little too much to bear. Slowly, I've started spending less and less time studying my scriptures and pondering the words of prophets--thinking God will understand. After all, everything I do is because I'm trying to do His will. I am a servant in many aspects of my life. However, I'm not fully taking care of me and my physical and spiritual needs, which is clearly having a negative impact.

The less I have studied my scriptures, the more angry I have become. The past few weeks my scripture reading has been daily, but very minimal. During the summer, I joyfully studied approximately an hour every day, wrote in my blog, and did other things for my healing. Now, I study five to ten minutes a day if I'm lucky. Sometimes it's joyful, and sometimes it's totally forced. Sometimes it's a very quick verse, a short pick-me-up that is needed, but I'm finding that's not enough.

With all the crazy happening in my life, I've been angry and irritable. Impatient and unkind. It's not me. I know it's not me. It's not who I'm meant to be. Then I get depressed, and there is a downward spiral.
Last night, I almost didn't read my five minutes of scriptures because I felt unworthy. I felt so crazy, so bombarded with life, and so angry, that I felt UNWORTHY to open up my scriptures and turn to God for help. I felt unworthy to pray. I felt like a failure because I haven't been able to control my anger and impatience lately. I think I cried myself to sleep.

I. Am. Not. A. Failure. I'm just not. I'm not unworthy to turn to God. Why? Because I'm His daughter, a princess preparing to become a queen. Because He loves me. And, guess what? I don't have to control my anger and impatience. I do have some control, but I also know when Satan is pressuring me so much that things are beyond my control. This is one of those times.

I can turn this over to God. I have no need to be ashamed for the things I have said and done this week anymore. I simply need to repent and move on. I need to forgive my husband and try to trust again. I need to enforce my boundaries in a loving, caring way--not in a scared, angry, out of control way.

I want to be ready to do this. I kind of don't know if I can, but I want to be me again. So many pieces of me are missing--lost under the dark abyss of anger and impatience. I'm going to find those pieces of me. I'm going to live and be beautiful.

I am NOT a failure.

Credit

Scaffolding

Okay, I don't know for sure where this post is going. Another writing for therapy post (kind of). I have lots I want to write about, but I barely have time to think, let alone write and think and make sure this is all clear.

I made a goal on Sunday to feel close to God and increase my relationship with Him. I kept praying that He would help me increase my desire for a clearer understanding of my relationship with Him. I prayed that He would help me so I wouldn't give up. 

I was blessed. I was incredibly blessed on Sunday to feel peace from the craziness surrounding me. I felt a ray of hope that I am not alone despite how alone and neglected by God I feel (was feeling). During the sacrament, I related this trial of feeling alone to scaffolding. Scaffolding is a term used in education that basically means you give the student help and support for the things they don't know (like scaffolding on a building so they don't fall over), but for the things they do know and understand well, you remove your help when it is no longer needed. Then you provide scaffolding for harder concepts, and remove it again when it is no longer needed. And the cycle of scaffolding continues to increase learning. If that makes sense. In the sense of the trials I've been facing lately, especially feeling alone, I realized that God has always been there, not just there but right there by my side holding me up when I absolutely need Him to be. When I've "mastered" a concept, He has removed his scaffolding holding me up a little bit to see if I am strong enough on my own.

Credit

I think that's what happened last week. Despite my determination to have a fresh start after my last post, I didn't. I pretty much finished that post feeling high and powerful over my day, and then something happened that made me feel like crap again. I prayed and prayed and still felt my faith wavering a little. I felt like my tears and freaking out should have been enough for any little sign that God was watching over me. I prayed that He would send someone just to text me and say "Hey I'm thinking about you today" to know I was cared for. Nothing. Not a single thing happened to show me He was there (although in reality, plenty of things show me His presence every single day, but when you are clouded in darkness it's hard to see). I wanted to be angry, but I knew that was bad ground to tread, so I just felt miserable.

I kept holding on, though. I held on and kept praying. I prayed earnestly. I kept my eyes open for Him. And, He did grant me relief. At church. In the hymns. In the peace I felt. In the fact that I got to lead the music in sacrament and play the piano in Relief Society. In the talks I read during the sacrament. In the little things that answered questions and prayers I'd had recently.

I realized that these things were indeed, "but a small moment." I gained perspective. And I was reminded that I can't expect growth without trial. I can't be the person I want to be if I'm not given hard things to help me grow. I saw that God had been holding me up, but then He removed Himself from me a little bit to let me see what I can do and what kind of faith I have on my own.

I turned my will over to God. Again. I find that I keep having to do that on a regular basis. I was reminded that I do have a lot of built up stress, especially with school so close (and boy-howdy, I have to daily turn myself over to God so I don't have a panic attack that school starts next week. Every day I'm getting more ready--with His help. When in reality half the time I just want to cry about it.). 

Confession:I have a hard time dealing with stress. I have a hard time dealing with change. I have a hard time dealing with hard things. Surprised? Probably not. I tend to deny those traits about myself. Like how one time, I got a haircut that was a dramatic change. I almost cried, and my father-in-law said, "Well, you've never been one for change." I was mad. But he was right. I was just mad that my weakness was so obvious.

Right now, I think it's because I'm just feeling so exhausted with hard things. But when I remember that hard things are the price I pay for greatness, I feel empowered. And when I remember that Christ has felt all this and more, that He paved the way for me, I feel empowered. I have the knowledge. I have the faith. Do I have the faith to enjoy, not endure but enjoy, to the end? Yes I do. 

I have to face reality, and the sooner the better. 

Reality: Life is hard. Being a school-teacher is hard. Being a high-school-teacher when you are not that much older than the students is hard. Trials are hard. Financial burden is hard. Addiction is hard. Marriage is hard. Foot issues and back problems make teaching harder. Teaching Sunday School is kind of hard. Being a perfectionist is hard (I really need to loosen up). Being stressed about the fact that I'm so easily stressed out is hard. Relying on God sounds simple enough--but it's hard. My reality is that life is hard. And that is okay, because it is supposed to be hard. How else would we gain the knowledge and talents we need to return to our Father? 

I know I am where I need to be. I am supposed to be teaching high school at the school I'm at. I'm supposed to help advance technology and lead the older teachers to see the vision of paperlessness (that is hard, but I'm getting there). I'm supposed to be a leader and role model for these students. I'm supposed to be married to my man. We are supposed to live where we are. I'm supposed to depend on God. 

Things are hard, but I know for sure that I'm in the right place and doing the right things. 

My goal for myself (which I have been working on this week) is not to get down when things are hard. I will face my fears and hardships with my brave face on. I will not get discouraged when I think I can't do something. Instead, I will pray for strength. And eat cookies if that helps do the trick. I will accept that things are hard, and life is hard. And I will tackle the hard things like they don't even phase me.

PS, my Relief Society president made the most beautiful and heart-warming announcement about addiction recovery and the Togetherness Project on Sunday. It seriously made me so happy and fuzzy inside.

A new day, a fresh start!

Credit

 
After I wrote my post a couple nights ago, I started crying. Uncontrollably. Mostly because of the itching. Well, it was more than just itching. My legs felt like they were on fire, and the rash seemed like acid burning into my skin. I couldn't handle it.

I asked Jack to give me a blessing. It was all I knew to do because my prayers didn't seem to be working. I don't even know what I expected because, in my eyes, it was obviously not part of The Plan for the nasty itching to go away. I got to the point where I just knew I needed to rely on some source of communication with God, so I asked for a blessing.

A few things stood out to me. First of all, I was not blessed to be healed (not a shock at all. I've never been blessed to be healed), but instead was blessed to have the strength I needed to bear it all night and the next day until I could seek medical attention. That was actually a huge relief because the night before I had barely gotten any sleep because of the rash. And I couldn't see a doctor until after my Professional Development session at school the next day. I was told to rely on Christ. I was also told that many of my physical trials are a result of my stress. And then I was told I have the power and capacity to do all that is necessary for school this coming school-year. If I get overwhelmed, I am to turn it over to Christ and keep pressing on.

I know priesthood blessings are supposed to be full of light, and in many ways this was, but afterwords, I felt overpowered with darkness. I saw the blessings, but I saw so much more negative. Which goes to show that I haven't been in the best frame of mind this week.

First, let me say that being blessed with strength is beautiful. What better way to grow than to be blessed with the strength to bear something. If the trial was removed instantly, there would be no growth. Now, that being said, I don't always have that clear of thinking in the moment of trial.

The main reasons I became depressed were because I read into it too much, and thus became way too hard on myself. I was told to turn to Christ, and I was told that my physical trials are a result of my stress. I've been working so hard to turn my life over to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I've been working just as hard to release and manage my stressors in positive and appropriate ways. I've been trying to turn them over to Christ. I've been trying to take one day at a time. I've been using positive self-talk. I've been taking the time to meditate. I've been trusting that I will be taken care of. Granted, this week has been tough, and I haven't done my absolute best. And that is why I took it so hard. I thought well, I've been working so hard but hit a slump this week. Obviously, God expects my best and is not okay with my slump. He is punishing me with this awful rash to show me that I'm not trusting Him enough or managing my stress as well as I thought. He isn't cutting me any slack. I can't go on. I just can't. I felt like all my efforts were in complete and utter vain.

I cried for a long while. Those thoughts, by themselves, are depressing enough. So, combined with my other depressing thoughts, I was out of control.

All I can say now is that I feel pretty good. I feel blessed. The itching didn't drive me crazy at PD yesterday. We even ended early, and I got time to work in my classroom a little bit. I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon. Between the prescribed steroid cortisone cream and the Benadryl, the itching is at a minimum, and I slept soooooo beautifully last night.

I'm still a little worried [stressed, ironically enough] about the fact that I'm not managing my stress well. I thought I was. And it stresses me out that I have to figure out something new. I'm trying not to be stressed. School starts in one week from Monday. All the sudden, I feel like I am totally not ready at all. But I'll be okay. I just have to turn to God, and I know He will help me.

The stupid thing is that I kind of don't want to. I'm falling back into my stubborn self where I don't want help. I want to do it on my own. I don't want to do it His way because then I get back injuries, foot problems, and rashes on my legs. Not to mention the addiction stuff.  I want Him to cut me some slack. I want things to just be really good for a season.

And then I feel ungrateful and selfish because I know I'm blessed. Things are really good overall. I'm so excited for school to start! The closer it gets, the more excited I feel. The addiction is going well, and Jack was even recently called to the Sunday School presidency, which is a sign to me that God trusts him, so I'm trying to trust him more too. The itching has significantly gone down, and I was recently "released" from my back issues: I still go in for maintenance check-ups, but I could run and jump and dance if I wanted too! [However, I don't because of my feet, and that's another story.]

I'm too stubborn to repent for the way I have been acting towards God. It's so dumb. I will, though. I'm praying for a softer heart and perspective.

Today is a new day. I'm not going to give up or stay depressed because of all this stuff I just wrote about. I'm going to pray for peace and light. I'm going to keep Satan and his demons away from me. And I'm going to figure out how to live the way God wants me too. I'll call on my angels to help me.

A new day is a fresh start. Every day.

I feel frozen

I feel frozen.
In blackness.
A lovely gift from Satan. Yes, I know the way he works on me and my body.

I started freezing yesterday.

By frozen, I mean, my body wants to shut down. I can barely communicate to different parts of my body to work. Like my fingers to type. Yesterday, it was my arms to stroke and my feet to kick while I swam. Then it was my legs to move when I walked. My mouth to work to explain to Jack what was going on. Tears barely even came out while we chatted last night. That is so not like me. I can usually at least cry.

All I can see about three feet in front of me is blackness.

I recently made the decision to tell a close friend about the addiction. I felt the prompting to tell her for a couple of weeks before I actually did. I was scared. I didn't want it to ruin our friendship. I didn't want her to freak out. And I wanted Jack to be okay with me telling her. That's what he fasted for on Fast Sunday, and then I waited to find a good time to talk to her about it. I'm so glad I told her because she just gets it. She may not completely understand everything about it, but she seems totally with it. And she is encouraging. I can't even describe it. But, in talking with her, she has said some things that I completely needed to hear.

We had a really good conversation yesterday. I felt light. I felt free. I felt loved and understood. I finally feel like I have a true friend in this place we are living.

We didn't just talk about the addiction yesterday. We talked about other things too. I could talk to her for hours. But eventually, I had to leave. As soon as I left, I started feeling weighed down. The feeling got worse and worse. By the time I arrived home, it took almost every ounce of energy I had to walk inside. To change my clothes to swim. To tell Jack about my day. To drive with him to the fitness center. We were going to swim for half an hour. I lasted 17 minutes then just couldn't do it anymore. It took all I had to shower. To stretch. To come home and make dinner. To watch the All-Star game (I slept through the All-Star game, actually).

My body was tensing up and shutting down.

I'm glad I'm at the point where I can really evaluate what is going on. I know that this horrible feeling is not me. It is not God telling me I'm doing something wrong. It is not because of the addiction. It's darkness surrounding me from Satan. I even know what triggered this, and I can see all the consequences of that one trigger.

It was triggered by a training I went to yesterday for school. The training all but completely overwhelmed me. Well, okay, it pretty much overwhelmed me. I have to go back to school in three weeks. For new teacher orientation. Then four days of learning about the new teacher evaluation system. Then four days of whatever else before school starts. Summer is almost gone. I don't feel ready. I'm finally getting over the stress and tension school caused in the spring. I'm not ready for that part of it to start over again.

Don't get me wrong: I absolutely love being a teacher. But the stress of 1) being a first year teacher, 2) having seven different preps, 3) trying to go paperless, 4) creating and implementing a new class 5) being in charge of a club--on top of financial burden, the addiction, back and feet issues, and some other things that I don't even want to get into is... um... HARD. Like really really hard. I have a thousand mixed emotions. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to dread going back to school (the real me is so excited and can't wait to see her students again and do fun things with the club I'm in charge of and go to sporting events to support my beloved students). I don't want to be afraid of losing my few friends I do have here because of the fact that I won't be able to spend much time with them. I don't want to feel the guilt of not being able to be a good visiting teacher or not being able to give much service to my ward or not being a good member missionary. I have so many guilty feelings just beyond the darkness that I keep trying to push back. And then I'm afraid of not having enough time for anything. Time to study my scriptures and write in my journal. Time to process. Time to think. Time to meditate. Time to ponder. Time for Jack. Time to walk/play with my dog.

Sigh.

Anyway, the training triggered me yesterday. Just that simple overwhelmed feeling triggered all kinds of stuff (as you can tell from my last paragraph). I feel guilt. Darkness. Fear. And the list could go on.

Whenever I start doing really well, Satan attacks me. When I decided to marry Jack, things got really hard. There were times when I questioned it, even though I knew it was 100% right and the decision to marry him was a decision I took very seriously and made with God. When I went home to visit my family, my old young women's advisers threw me a bridal shower. My ex-boyfriend's mom came and made a scene. He was just about to come home from his mission, and she said that this shower was supposed to be happening in her house, and I was supposed to be her daughter-in-law. Thus came the darkness. That's just one example. With every big decision I have made, or with every great thing happening in my life, Satan attacks me. He tries to make me shut down. He shoves depression down my throat.

I can see that happening now. I finally have someone who can offer me support and fantastic insight, and Satan is trying to take that away. He is trying to make me shut down and withdraw. He is making me afraid. Jack and I are finally at a really amazing point in our marriage, and Satan is trying to draw me away. He is trying to get me to withdraw. He wants me to be miserable.

The Love Dare has been amazing. My scripture study lately has been amazing. My testimony has grown so much. I've learned amazing things about myself, my husband, God, and life in general. I have so, so much to be grateful for. I have friends and family who love me. And I have students who love me awaiting my return (as their real teacher and not just a sub!) in a few weeks. Life really is good. I am truly blessed. I'm blessed to have the gospel. I'm blessed to understand what I do about the Atonement. I'm blessed to have faith in my Savior. I'm blessed in so many ways.

But Satan doesn't want me to see that.

*********************************************

Jack and I recently read this article together for companionship study: "A Time for Faith, Not Fear." I loved this quote:

"I have found that usually when we face our most difficult tests, the Lord is there ahead of us to prepare the way through them.

"My wife and I were a bit anxious about going to Russia when called to serve there in 2006. We had never been to Russia and did not know a lot about it. The responsibilities of the call seemed challenging, to say the least. In a meeting in his office, President Packer gave us wonderful counsel: 'Remember, the Lord will have been there before you.' He then reminded us of the Lord’s promise, 'For I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up' (D&C 84:88)."


I am continually reminding myself that He has felt what I feel. He has felt more than I could even possibly imagine. He knows exactly what to do to succor me, and I will be okay through Him. If I rely on Him, everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.


And He sends me angels to lift me up.

Exhaustion

I don't really know what I'm feeling.

Well, I feel a lot. Today, this week, this month--they have all seen and felt a lot. It's all caught up with me today. Maybe because I'm PMSing. Maybe just because. Maybe because of the fights I keep having with my sister and my mom. Maybe because I sometimes feel misunderstood, alone, and forgotten .

I'm grateful for so much. I'm grateful for my job. My husband. My family. My calling. My dog. My scriptures. The Holy Ghost. Ability to receive revelation. Flowers. Trees. Color. The wind. Storms. Sunlight. Books. Paint. My camera. Writing. Fabric. Food. [to name a few...]

I'm also grateful for trials. I'm grateful for pain and weakness.

I'm also tired of trials. I'm tired of pain. And weakness.

I've tried to be so strong lately. I've been on this high, trying to reach perfection. I guess one of my weaknesses is not accepting imperfection in myself.

I've tried so hard to overcome my weaknesses. I even prayed for practice overcoming my weaknesses. I prayed for experience. So, obviously, The Lord has heard and answered my prayers. Now, I need to turn to Him in these times where I feel so weak, small, misunderstood, alone, and forgotten. That's another weakness. I don't like to ask for help.

I have been asking for help, though. Maybe not enough? I don't know. I'm just writing this so I can figure out what's going on.

Over the past week or two, I have had so many experiences where I have remembered humility, and I have tried to turn myself over to God and receive strength. It's exhausting to see how often my weaknesses cause me to fall short. It's exhausting to be constantly apologizing or feeling the need to apologize because, once again, I have let someone down because of my weaknesses. I'm just exhausted.

I know I need to turn to The Lord, and I know I need to read my scriptures (I haven't yet today). I feel like I know what I need to do: I just don't want to. Because I'm tired.

*sigh*

I will, though. I'll do what's right. I'll pray and read my scriptures. Right now.

Burdens

Sometimes my burdens seem so hard to bear.

I can't describe them all in here, but just thinking about it all exhausts me.

One of the hardest things for me is my husband's addiction. I try to be tough, and I try to lean on Christ, but it really is hard. I think I sometimes pretend that I'm fine or I can handle it, but it really is hard.

The first thing my husband said to me this morning was "I messed up last night. I'm sorry." It was early, so I may be wrong, but I think I sensed he wanted to cry. I wanted to cry, but I had to be tough and go to work.

It breaks my heart to see him in so much pain. He has this battle with himself all the time about overcoming it. He is depressed for other reasons, and then he relapses because for a long time his addiction was his coping mechanism. Then he gets more depressed because of his addiction, and he is stuck in this vicious cycle.

I try to show my love and support, but sometimes I'm selfish. When I am selfish, I fear I will make his depression worse.

I haven't gotten depressed as much lately, which I will 100% attribute to God. I am so grateful for my tender mercies and the grace He has given me to cope. This morning, I chose to let my day be good, rather than bad. God helped me with that and He blessed me a lot.

I know my husband can overcome this. I know I can overcome the hurt and pain. I know that we can have a beautiful life together, and I know that can happen through Christ. I am so grateful for the program and how I have learned to lean on Christ more. Working on a change of heart has been really good for me lately, especially when he relapses and I need to be compassionate. I feel like I have a heart full of love, when, given the circumstances of my life, I could have a heart full if bitterness, anguish, anger, and other irritating things.

Don't be afraid to email me if you need someone to talk to. I'd love to chat with anyone who needs someone to talk to or understand them.

May God be with you--with us all.

The choice to make it a good day

I woke up tired. I was immediately stressed out. I'm always tired. I always have stress. And I woke up late.

The old me would have just faced the fact that my day was shot. The new me, who is trying to change her heart, decided it could still be a good day. I don't look my prettiest today at work. I am tired and have lots to do. But I'm trying to pray more and not let the darkness overtake me. That darkness is threatening and looming over me, but it will not beat me today!

It's going to be a good day. Just making that choice on my way to work has helped me feel peace because I'm not even allowing Satan the option to ruin my day. Look out Satan, I'm up, and I'm ready to destroy your day :)