I haven't written in a while. This is not like me.
I guess I just don't know what I'm doing right now.
I'm going through a funk. I kind of know why. But I can't explain why.
Part of this funk is that I went from an extremely busy kind of hell to...this. Whatever this is. Not working. Working on "healing." Trying to piece myself back together. Anddddd. I guess I don't know if it's working. I'm definitely seeing changes. But they aren't changes I really expected.
For example, I used to be very self-motivated. Now, I think I'm getting lazy. I hate any kind of work. It's such a battle. Every. Stinkin. Day. Laundry? Ben, can you help me? Dishes? I hate dishes. Ben, can you help me? Picking up crap around the apartment? Ben, I can't do this by myself--can you help me?
[but it's not lazy, more of just an effect of trauma, right??]
Except Ben does pretty much all of it. That's not really true. But I think he does more than his share. Because guess what? Kilee has no job. But Ben does as much or more housework. And that feels not fair to him, but he is a great sport and doesn't complain.
I had all these plans to draw closer to God and serve people. I had these ideas of what it would take for my "healing." And it's just not going according to plan. Granted, we are still experiencing major life changes. Things are happening that are stressing me out. And I think I was stretched so thin that I can't figure out how to slide back together and function properly.
In my head, I should be getting a job (and I started the application to be a substitute teacher this morning. So that is something). We could definitely use the income I would bring in. But, the idea of working stresses me out. So badly. It sends me into this spiral of anxiety and depression that I had when I was working.
I'm afraid being a teacher is ruined for me. Kind of like when you throw up and that food is forever ruined. Because of the life stress that happened and the pain I experienced while being a teacher (not to mention the added stress and anxiety I had from being a teacher), I'm afraid of teaching again. Even subbing. But I'm trying to push through that because it is what works best with my schedule.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess to just sort out my thoughts and figure out what is going on in my head.
I am struggling. But this isn't a call for help. I'm just telling it like it is because this is my blog.
I'm struggling with a lot of things, and I haven't figured out how to piece my life back together.
And that's okay because I know I will figure it out. I know that God will help me.
I even know some of the things I need to do to piece my life back together. I just have to do them--and that is hard.