Fearing the future

I don't know why, but whenever I try to reply to people's comments lately, it won't work. So, consider yourself thanked if you have commented recently. I receive such sweet words from you, and they certainly don't go unnoticed.


I've been thinking a lot. Because my relationship with Ben is doing so well, it's easy to melt into the idea and desire that things are "fine." I don't want the mess of the addiction. The hurt and betrayal can feel free to stay long gone. I want to keep what we have right now.

But. There is a fear lurking underneath all this good that everything bad could come back. The lies. The pain. Everything. I don't anticipate that happening, and I don't prefer to live in fear. However, that is a valid concern. Addiction has patterns.

And the thing is, I'm pregnant now. The addiction coming back will bring a new set of problems and trials.

I'm hopeful. Because we have found this good place, I am hopeful that we can work through anything that comes our way. I am hopeful that I can be healed from the pain. I am hopeful that I can still be the kind of mom I want to be, even when suffering through trauma.

But still. I'm seeing little warning signs pop up. I feel like God is warning me (whether it's for me or to help someone else through trauma, I'm not sure). Regardless, I feel like I need to write myself a letter. So...


Dear Kilee,

If you're reading this, it's because the addiction has come back and you are a wreck. Whhyyy?? I know. I know, it's painful. It probably hurts even more now because of all the complete happiness you have felt since you moved to TX. That's okay. It's okay to let yourself hurt. In fact, please let yourself hurt. Don't bottle it up like you have in the past. Find friends to reach out to (you have a great list of friends in your emotion first-aid kit) and ask for help. You're always willing to help a friend. I can guarantee you that they will be willing to be there for you.

If you're reading this, you might not know what to do. You might be wondering what to do with yourself, much less Ben. Stay close to God. He has always guided you and led you to do what is right so you can find the path to healing. It might be so easy to abandon God, but don't. He is there. He has always been there. So, if you feel alone, it's because Satan wants you to feel that way. Find God. I promise He is there. 

Remember boundaries. Remember God. And remember who the real enemy is. 

Ben isn't the enemy: the addiction is. I know that is kind of confusing, but try to find the difference between the two. And maybe you can't because they are so intertwined. If that is the case, try to be patient, and don't give up on Ben. You know what he is capable of (which may make the situation all the more frustrating, but can also give you patience and hope). You also know what you are capable of with God by your side. 

Remember all the other big disclosures and discoveries? Remember all the times you have felt so lost and alone in this? But remember the pure joy you felt during that summer after moving back in with him? And remember the healing that took place? Remember there is opposition in all things. And you can feel a greater joy after you have felt that dark pit of despair. Maybe that doesn't really help because you'd rather not be in that pit right now. But, the light times are what make the dark times worth it. So just hold on a little longer. Hold on to what you know. And if all truth seems to be confused, hold on to God because you know Him. 

You are strong and you are brave. Wear your Togetherness necklace every day as a reminder of the warrior women who stand by you. I know it sucks. It royally SUCKS. But you will heal. 

Love,
Me