How dare He? (angry face)
I've had so many moments of hatred at God. I usually make up with Him pretty quickly because I realize that life without Him by my side is dark and terrible. Because of these moments of anger and hatred at God, along with the moments where I have abandoned Him and realized I'm much worse off without Him, I've had a lot to think about.
God guided me to Ben. I found Ben because of promptings.
God prompted both of us in ways that led to our dating relationship.
When I took the terrifying idea of marriage to God, I felt like it was right. God wanted me to marry Ben.
Okay, so when I went through HELL with Ben, I had a lot of questions for God. They usually started with "Why?" And they usually ended with tears.
I've been thinking about this concept a lot because while I am doing well right now, I have many close friends who are suffering a faith crisis. And, of course, every once in a while I still question because things are certainly not going according to my plan.
Today as I worked on my 12-Steps, I came across these two quotes:
Elder Richard G. Scott explained: “Now may I share some suggestions with you who face the second source of adversity, the testing that a wise Heavenly Father determines is needed even when you are living a worthy, righteous life and are obedient to His commandments. Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.”
Elder Orson F. Whitney shared: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, build[s] up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable…and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire.”
I've often gotten wrapped up in the idea that sometimes our trials are a result of someone else's agency. That is definitely this trial. But, then, that still leads me to question God. God knew this would happen, so why not help me out? I mean, seriously. I have a lot of theories about that regarding agency. Simply put, if God warned me out of this, that would have taken away Ben's agency along with my own agency for things... Yada yada that is not what I'm talking about, but there you go--simple version. I needed to marry Ben. He had the choice to do what he has done, and I've learned a ton from this trial. I honestly wouldn't trade it (as scary as it is to say that).
Today, what hit me from those quotes was this trial is a challenge that God wants me to face. He knows I can do this. He has given me the tools to survive. He has given me so many blessings to help me through. He is with me always. God has given me this experience to stimulate my growth, to help me become better because He knows my potential. He sees what I can't, and He is allowing me to be stretched.
It sucks. Oh my gosh, this trial sucks. But I feel strength and peace in knowing and understanding that this IS part of the plan. In so many ways.
And I am SO GRATEFUL for that knowledge. Even though it sucks.
(Interesting fact: I was told in a blessing earlier this year that I saw my trials before I came to this earth. I knew what I was up against, and I rejoiced because I knew these trials would bring me closer to God. This little "revelation" I had today reminded me of that blessing along with all the peace I have experienced as I have studied trials, the Plan of Salvation, and the Atonement. Let me say once again how grateful I am for my relationship with God and the knowledge and strength I have because of Him.)