I decided it's time to start the 12 Steps over (we're on round 3!). This time, I'm sticking to the Healing Through Christ manual rather than the LDS manual.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I believe in using the 12 Steps to help with healing. In my experience, I have been able to draw closer to the Savior through the 12 Steps. They teach basic principles about turning your will over to God and living as a disciple of Christ.
I've been suffering with anger and depression a lot lately. I don't like that. I've also been wrapped up in hurt and blaming Ben for things. I don't like that either.
There was a time when I felt really grounded as I dealt with the addiction. Granted, I didn't understand or know nearly as much as I do now, and maybe I was dealing with denial. But I felt good. I felt like I had faith in God and the Atonement. I was understanding the addiction and it's relationship to me. And then things spiraled over the past year. There are many reasons for that, which I don't really feel like getting into right now.
But my point is that I'm starting over with the 12 Steps. And it's been an amazing experience so far. I'm working on Step 1, and I am realizing a lot of things:
I am still holding on to the desire to control the addiction and to control our marriage.
I have been forgetting about my understanding of the addiction. But I also can't let the "addiction" be an excuse for him to act out. I am still trying to find that line between agency and the power of the addiction.
I haven't been praying or turning things over to God as much as I should be.
I might be taking the addiction a little too personally. I am trying to let go of that.
I need to take care of myself: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've been practicing identifying my needs and taking care of them.
I am realizing that I haven't been dealing with my negative emotions properly. I am trying to identify their roots and remember that it's part of the process and nothing to feel guilt or shame about.
I am realizing that I have not been giving myself what I need to heal. Sometimes, that means time. I need to put less focus on healing within a time frame. I need to stop "should"ing myself.
I am recognizing some unhealthy behaviors I am using to deal with the addiction and attempting to lessen those behaviors.
I haven't finished my Step 1 study and processing yet, but I am excited for the revelations and peace it has brought me.
I'm getting a stress headache right now. So, I will end.
Onward and upward to healing!