Sometimes my burdens seem so hard to bear.
I can't describe them all in here, but just thinking about it all exhausts me.
One of the hardest things for me is my husband's addiction. I try to be tough, and I try to lean on Christ, but it really is hard. I think I sometimes pretend that I'm fine or I can handle it, but it really is hard.
The first thing my husband said to me this morning was "I messed up last night. I'm sorry." It was early, so I may be wrong, but I think I sensed he wanted to cry. I wanted to cry, but I had to be tough and go to work.
It breaks my heart to see him in so much pain. He has this battle with himself all the time about overcoming it. He is depressed for other reasons, and then he relapses because for a long time his addiction was his coping mechanism. Then he gets more depressed because of his addiction, and he is stuck in this vicious cycle.
I try to show my love and support, but sometimes I'm selfish. When I am selfish, I fear I will make his depression worse.
I haven't gotten depressed as much lately, which I will 100% attribute to God. I am so grateful for my tender mercies and the grace He has given me to cope. This morning, I chose to let my day be good, rather than bad. God helped me with that and He blessed me a lot.
I know my husband can overcome this. I know I can overcome the hurt and pain. I know that we can have a beautiful life together, and I know that can happen through Christ. I am so grateful for the program and how I have learned to lean on Christ more. Working on a change of heart has been really good for me lately, especially when he relapses and I need to be compassionate. I feel like I have a heart full of love, when, given the circumstances of my life, I could have a heart full if bitterness, anguish, anger, and other irritating things.
Don't be afraid to email me if you need someone to talk to. I'd love to chat with anyone who needs someone to talk to or understand them.
May God be with you--with us all.