Anger is what I have struggled with the most as a result of my husband's addiction. I have also suffered from anxiety and depression, but those both lead to anger too.
My anger, left unchecked, has harmed relationships and could potentially destroy relationships. I'm not even just talking about my relationship with my husband. I have been so angry at everything that I take it out on innocent bystanders. My mom doesn't know what is going on, but I have taken out my anger on her when she does things that get on my nerves. I really try not to, but it happens. The same thing happens with one of my sisters. And with a handful of other people. When I'm already mad, little annoying habits from everyone get to me, and I take my anger/irritation out on them too. At least it's not happened to them at full force like it has with my husband...
In the couple of years since I originally found out about his addiction and started my own healing and recovery process, I have grown tremendously. I've learned that I have blamed my husband for my character weaknesses when he is really not to blame. My weaknesses are my weaknesses, and they always have been. Maybe the situation has made me feel like I am seeing my weaknesses through a magnifying glass, but they have always been there, and they have always been mine.
Once upon a time, I blamed it all on him. He was the addict, and I was perfect. Everything was his fault. Now, I can see that this situation in my life has been a gift from God to help me see my weaknesses and choose to make them stronger.Or choose to do nothing.
I don't have to make my weaknesses stronger. But I want to.
A few months ago, I wrote a post about who I want to be. I want to make myself stronger because I have a goal in mind as to who I want to become. At that point in my life, I saw potential. I knew who I could become. I saw that girl inside my, dying to come out. Today, I see even more potential. I've grown so much more in the past few months since I wrote that. I have so much I want to be. I have so much I want to do. I can't do or become anything without making my weaknesses stronger.
I can't be a disciple of Christ if I don't lean on Him and try to emulate his character.
I can't be a giver if I remain selfish.
I can't be a lover of life if I stay mad at the world.
I can't jump at every opportunity, take chances, or have no fear if I am constantly battling anxiety and letting that anxiety keep me from taking opportunities.
I can't be head over heels in love if I refuse to forgive, hold grudges, and keep bringing up past mistakes.
I've accomplished a lot already. We all have. All of us, you reading this, you have accomplished a lot. Whatever your struggles are or have been, you've made it through. Or you're making it through.
I'm ready to take the next step. Are you?
I have already turned to the Lord to help me get my life back in order.
I have believed that the power of God can restore me to complete spiritual health. That belief has grown to a knowledge of His power. I know He can restore me to complete spiritual health. If I let Him.
I have already made the decision to turn my life over to the care of God.
I have fearlessly inventoried my life. I have pinpointed the good and the bad. I made made a commitment to become better.
I have confessed what has needed to be confessed.
I have turned my life and will over to God. I have become ready for Him to remove my weaknesses.
I have humbly asked Him for help removing those weaknesses.
The next step I will take is to seek forgiveness. I need to become willing to make restitution to all persons I have harmed. I will prayerfully seek out the Lord's help in making restitution.
Before my recovery (and during), my angry lifestyle was (has been) like a tornado full of destructive energy that cut through many relationships. It has left a lot of wreckage behind. It's time for me to clean up what I can.
As I seek forgiveness, I will continue to recognize and ask God to remove my weaknesses. As I make my weaknesses stronger (such as impatience, easy irritation, anger, etc), I will be more likely to control myself rather than lashing out and hurting others, thus lessening the impact of the angry tornado in the future.
I'm really not a horrible person. I'm just really hard on myself sometimes, especially lately. I know I will need to forgive myself too and lighten up. It comes and goes. Haha.
Whelp, let's get those work boots on (please read in the best Southern drawl your brain can come up with :)).