Church was hard.
I've mentioned PMS this week. Well, I normally start getting pretty emotional during the week leading up to my period. Usually, the day before, I hit crazy PMS, and I'm a blubbering crybaby for the tiniest things. I finally started my period yesterday at church. It was late. That was one of the things I was mad at.
If you read my Mother's Day post, you got a little sneak peek at my emotions regarding children. We want children so badly. We even tried after things calmed down in our marriage and we felt like it was right. We felt very prompted that it was the time to start trying, so we did. We tried for almost a year, then we had to stop trying because of some other issues that came up. Then, a few months later, we were able to start trying again. Then, we had to stop trying again because of serious back problems I started suffering from. For the past two years, having my period has not only been emotional because of hormones, it has been emotional because I DON'T WANT MY PERIOD. I want a baby. I want a family.
Trust me when I say that is a very deep desire, and it's an extremely hard trial to not be able to carry children right now, and to have gone through an infertile time and not know if, when we do start trying again, we will have children in our timetable (I italicized that for a reason. I know I am supposed to wait on the Lord's timing. For everything. Isn't it just sometimes so frustrating?!). For all we know, it could be a very long time before we have children.
Thus, when my period is late, I feel like God is playing a very sick joke on me. All week, I have had to coach myself, "You're not pregnant. You're not even trying. Don't even think you are pregnant. Your period is just late. That one time, you used a condom. It probably did not have a hole in it. You are probably not pregnant. Don't think you are pregnant..." I've had to be really patient with that (really, come on, just let a girl get her period when it is supposed to come, don't make it be late), with myself, with God, and with a whole heckofalotofotherthingsgoingonthisweek!!!!!
I've struggled with humility and pride.
I've struggled with anger, selfishness, and sadness.
And yet, I've really tried to overcome those things. And, then, I have felt like a failure because I haven't been able to overcome those very prominent weaknesses smashing me in the face. AND STEP 7 IS THE ONE I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON! I told my husband yesterday (actually I think I screamed/sobbed it) that I hate step 7. I don't really hate it. I just hated myself for being so hard and stubborn and not accepting the Atonement like I should.
Yesterday, I held back tears all through church. Then, after church, I made my husband curl up on the bed with me (while the kids we are babysitting for ten days ran around the house like crazy-people), and I cried for TWO WHOLE HOURS. Oh, and our home teacher came over to give Husband a blessing (he is depressed because he has no job. and we have no money. and that is a whole separate story, but yes, financial burden is another of our trials), and he kept asking me if I was okay, and finally if I have allergies. Because I kept sniffling. And my eyes were puffy. After he left, I resumed the fetal position on our bed and cried some more.
Finally, my husband helped snap me out of it and encouraged me, in a very nice and loving way, to study my scriptures before we ended our fast and chowed down on dinner. Which is where that lovely talk came in that I started reading yesterday.
Anyway, now that is all behind me, and I feel much better today.
I have something to confess before I finish the rest of my story. I'm a teacher. So, the times I was talking about my job (if you remember. I don't even remember which posts they were, so I'm not linking them), I was long-term subbing for the past four months. I DID GET THE JOB FOR THIS POSITION FOR NEXT SCHOOL YEAR! YAY ME (tender mercy, actually. Plus, I have seen this job line up beautifully, and I know this is exactly where the Lord wants me)! Anyway, now school is pretty much over, my tiny sub pay winding down, and after my last sub paycheck, I don't get paid again until September. No income for the next few months... (unless of course, my husband lands a job. Unemployment sucks!). The reason why I have been so vague about it was because I was trying to make sure no one can figure out who I am. But, my husband told me that it's probably fine and that I should be able to write about my teaching trials on here too. Because as much as I love teaching high school, some days, it really is a trial. And that also helps explain our financial situation a little better too, which is also a trial.
So, I went to this training thing I had to go to for next school year, only to arrive there and discover it was cancelled. It was 50 minutes away from where I live. I was tired. Finding out it was cancelled was surprisingly not irritating. I was actually grateful because I have lots to do today, so the time back is a good thing. And just getting out of the house and driving for 2 hours was soothing. My husband had a Deseret Book gift card, and a few weeks ago, he bought me this talk on CD called "Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled" by Jack R. Christianson. I listened to it this morning while I was driving. First of all, I would highly recommend getting your hands on that talk. It is AWESOME. The talk ended approximately one minute before I arrived back at home, meaning the distance I drove and listened was perfect. Yet another tender mercy? I think yes.
I can't really go into all of what I am thinking and feeling, or I would be sitting here typing away for hours, and, like I said, I have stuff to do today. But, I just want to share this:
I am so extremely grateful for the ways that I do see God's hand in my life. I'm not perfect. I won't be in this life. But, I have the Atonement to lean on and help me draw closer to perfection. My husband isn't perfect. But, the Atonement is for him too.
I have had my moments where I feel like I have the Atonement kind of figured out, and it helps me, and I feel great about things. Then, I have my moments where I have no clue what is going on, I don't how to use or apply the Atonement, I am stubborn because I don't want help, and I feel fiercely hardened.
That was me last week.
And yet, I can look back and see the progress I have made. I have come far. My husband agrees with me. Remember that quote I shared earlier this week? I want to share it again.
"Struggling with those problems is at the very core of life's purpose. As we draw close to God, He will show us our weaknesses and through them make us wiser, stronger. If you're seeing more of your weaknesses that just might mean you're moving nearer to God, not farther away." (Healing Through Christ pg 68).
Overall, I am drawing closer to God. I just have to make sure that I don't get so scared of things that I push Him away. I have thought about that a lot this week. I have been so scared of so many things, and I have had a lot of anxiety and stress. I have felt alone and abandoned, but I haven't sought out God like I should. He is always by my side, but I can't see Him if I won't take off my blindfold. I'll never see Him if I am blinded by choice.
He is there. He is always there. I know He is. I just have to make sure I am searching in the right places and always welcoming Him in.