I went to the gym and swam a mile. I had no one to celebrate that accomplishment with. Swimming a mile is a huge victory for me! It represents a victory of battles with my back. I just celebrated in my head.
Before I swam, I went into a bathroom stall and prayed. I told God I can't handle all my emotions, and that I was sorry I left Jack to fend for himself. And that I felt like crap. Then, I said, "Please take this and do what needs to be done. After this week (it's been bad. on so many levels), I don't have the strength to carry on. Please give me strength, peace, hope. Something." I wonder if that's similar to how Christ felt while He was taking on my pains and sins in the Garden. Maybe. Or maybe after the Garden and on the way to Calvary. Maybe. When I closed my prayer in His name, I felt a sense of understanding from Him, though. He has felt enough to understand me. He gave me enough peace to walk out to the pool and swim a mile.
I feel more composed now. I got to think a lot while I swam, and I did a lot of self analysis. I realized I'm not mad about what happened today. I'm still mad about this whole week, and I'm fragile. There have been a lot of slip-ups with the addiction. Our week away (yes it was part work, but the evenings were supposed to be all about us) fizzled into a mess. I feel emotionally and intimately unsafe right now. And now, for that purpose, I need to draw boundaries with our physical relationship. We just started trying again to have a baby. That is on hold now. Again. Sigh.
My heart hasn't felt this broken in a long time. I don't know how to handle it this time.
At least I know that I'm on the right track. Turning myself over to God's care is the best thing I can do for us. Setting boundaries again will be necessary. That's on the right track too. I'm also trying to find good outlets for me. I'm going to paint more. And sew some stuff. And, of course, write.
I actually wasn't going to blog yet, but I decided to after the tender mercy I just experienced. After swimming, I drove around trying to figure out my next step. I didn't want to go home yet, so I decided to find a park where I could study my scriptures and think. I prayed then opened up to where I am. Yesterday, I left off mid-chapter because I just felt like the next verse would be a good start for my next read. Boy, was I right to follow that prompting.
Mosiah 18:21 "And he commanded them that there should be no contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one baptism, having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another."
That was a direct answer to my prayers. No contention. Work together in faith. Remember we are one. And remember to love.
Everyone's situation is different. Those words may not be the exact answer for everyone, but it was exactly what I needed tonight.
Time to go home and make amends.
And here are inspiring words from my favorite hymn (Reverently and Meekly Now). I saved this as a note on my phone a couple months ago at church: