Sunday, June 16, 2013

I want to be a disciple of Christ

As I've been studying step 8, I realized I have to ask myself, "Do I want to seek forgiveness?"

Seeking forgiveness requires humility. It requires patience (especially with self). It requires faith. It requires charity. It requires me to seek out and use the power of the Atonement.

See that list I just made? Those are HARD. Some are harder than others, but nevertheless, they are hard. They are weaknesses I have identified in myself, and I'm still working on overcoming them.

Do I want to seek forgiveness? Sometimes I don't. Sometimes the idea just seems so hard. Sometimes I want my husband to just read my mind. I want him (and whoever else I have wronged) to know that I am sorry and just forgive me. I don't want to work. I don't want to "seek forgiveness." Because my nature is stubborn and prideful. And it's much easier to be stubborn and prideful than to do the opposite.

Do I like myself when I am that way? No, not really. I have felt the power of the Spirit in my life. I have felt peace come with humility, patience, and charity. I don't like myself very much when I turn to the "natural man" and give up on becoming the "peaceable follower of Christ" that I desire to become.

 Do I want to seek forgiveness? YES.

Why? Because it's the next step to bring me closer to Christ. Because I want peace. Because I am trying to be a disciple of Christ. Because I love my husband (and the others whom I have hurt), and I want to make things right.

The content of this step is so powerful. I don't know how to adequately describe it. I'll do my best to express my thoughts and feelings on this.

My ultimate goal is to be a disciple of Christ.


I want to emulate Christ in thought, word, and deed. That's a hard task to achieve, but it can be done through the power of the Atonement. I know that to become the woman of God I desire to be, I have to forgive and seek forgiveness. It comes down to humility, which is probably my greatest weakness.

I've already added so much commotion and craziness to my life and the world around me. I know I'm not, nor will I be in this life, perfect. But, as I try to become the woman my patriarchal blessing describes, I will become more perfect. As I try to become who Christ would have me be through strengthening my relationship with Him, I will become more perfect. As I become more perfect, I will contribute more peace to this life than I ever thought possible. I won't be able to do that if I 1) harbor negative feelings (for *ahem* myself or others), or 2) fail to humble myself and seek to make right my wrongs.

The deeper I delve into the gospel and gain more understanding, the stronger I feel. I definitely have my days where I feel weak, but when I study my scriptures and other gospel tools, I feel strength. I feel power. I feel the armor of God protecting me.

Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel. Forgiveness, along with love, is the heart of the Atonement. If I do not seek forgiveness, I am not accepting Christ's gift. If I don't forgive, I am denying the power of the Atonement as it works for others. If I seek to forgive and seek forgiveness for myself, I gain a stronger understanding of the Atonement and strengthen myself with God's armor.

So, as I clean up my wreckage, I will put on the armor of God (see Eph. 6:11-18). I will seek forgiveness, forgive, and gain the power and strength the Atonement offers.

Who's in?

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