The feeling of God's love I felt during April 2011's General Conference will forever stay with me. It was just the week before Conference that I learned about the addiction and my world came crashing down around me. I guess it was good timing because at the very least, having General Conference right after that episode was a great tender mercy.
I remember crying a lot. But, this time, it was good crying. I felt hope. I felt strength. I felt like I could do this. After feeling miserable and hopeless for a better part of that week, these feelings swirled within me and gave me wings.
Whenever those good feelings buckle and weaken, I go back to that conference and re-read my favorite talks. We all know the addiction is a roller coaster. Times may be good. Times may be bad. Emotions may be joyful, and emotions may be angry and bitter. I haven't really been angry and bitter this week, but I've definitely been feeling a little hopeless and a lot depressed the past couple of days. It really hit me when I realized that the relapses are becoming less like relapses and more...just...habit.
My favorite talk ever, the one that always gives me strength and hope through anything, is from this conference I've talked about. When my world came crashing down, the Spirit taught me that I am more than a conqueror through Him that loved me. I'm more than a conqueror. I'm beautiful. I'm amazing. I'm a princess--the daughter of a king. I will conquer the horror that is threatening to destroy my marriage and my life. I will not be separated from the love of my God and Savior.
I read this talk again today. I find it amazing how at different times and aspects of this trial, different parts of the talk speak to me. I can't even describe what I love and what I have learned from it. I can only encourage you to read it for yourself and let the Spirit whisper to you what God wants you to know.