Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Owning my Story

One of the big takeaways I had from the TogethernessProject is that I need to be more open. I need to own my story. It’s my story. Yes, it’s also my husband’s. But this side, the spouse side of things, is mine. I own this side, and it’s my story to tell.

I’ve actually been wanting to be more open. I didn’t ever want to write an anonymous blog. I didn’t want this to be a big, huge, hairy scary secret. I have always just wanted to be me. I’ve wanted to tell friends and family. I’ve wanted it to be something we’re not ashamed of. I was once ashamed—back when being married to a porn addict was a fresh idea and definitely not one I was fond of. I’m still not in love with that fact, but I am in love with my husband. And honestly? I’m more proud of the ground we have covered and the growth we have experienced than ashamed. Really. We are AWESOME!

When I originally felt prompted to start my blog, my husband was afraid. Out of respect for him, I kept the secret. I also kept the secret a little out of fear because my bishop told me that the addiction was between us, and if I blabbed to the world, it might put our marriage in even more turmoil. Well, when you’re in turmoil, more does not. sound. like. fun.

Want to know the reason I started my blog? I had no resources. None. Zip. Zero. Nada! I wanted to be a voice. I wanted to take action, so I prayed to ask how and what I could do. This was my answer. I knew I was not alone. I knew I was not the only wife of a sex addict. I started blogging to help others, to be a resource. I hoped that if people found my blog, they would see that they weren’t alone, and I hoped it could give them strength.

My blog has probably served me more than anyone else. I wrote for about three or four months before I found the LDS Addiction Recovery Blogs website. And then? I started connecting with other women. I started learning from other’s experiences—I was seeing the other end of exactly what I had created my own blog for. I made friends. I felt love. I saw how not crazy I am. I put pieces together, and things started making more sense.

I learned about the Togetherness Project through my blog, and for that I will be eternally grateful. Seriously, I can’t even contain the happiness bursting out of me! I am grinning just thinking about this weekend! :D See? :D I made friends there. I felt loved and secure. I realized even more how beautiful and strong I am becoming because of this trial.

The Togetherness Project helped me gain the courage I needed to tell my husband that this part of the story is mine, and I want to own it. I believe experiences are to be learned from and shared so others can learn from them too. I stood up to my fears to tell him that. Believe me, it was scary. I had so much anxiety about it that I thought I might pass out while I was waiting for him to pick me up from the airport. The Togetherness Project also helped me gain the courage to tell him that I want to give firesides in our stake and actually follow through with that (we have talked about that in the past…but you can’t publicly speak about something that is a big, huge secret).

I’m reaching out.

I feel Satan pushing against me, mainly through fear. I’m not letting him win.

I agreed to be in a picture that will be on someone else’s blog. My face. On a WoPA blog.

I reached out to Jacy and told her of my dream to help the women living down in my area. Being a voice against porn/sex addiction is a passion of mine. I have ideas. But I can’t fulfill any of my dreams or ideas if this is a secret part of my life.

The secret’s out. I’m being brave. People might talk. People might judge the situation. I might feel more alone at times, but I don’t care because it is worth it to me if I can help other women realize they are not alone in this. I felt alone for too long, and I know many women have felt alone for even longer. So. On that note…

Hi, I’m Kilee. 

This was taken at the Togetherness Project. That's me on the right.
On the left is my friend Alicia. She is awesome!

My middle name is Marie (hence my previous pen-name. Using my middle name seemed less anonymous. Still me). I’m married to a sex-addict, and I love him. Once upon a time, I entertained the thought of divorce. It was a thought that scared the heck out of me because I had only been married a wee six months. Right now, I’m planning on never divorcing him. We are working through our problems, and he is trying to recover from his addiction. But, you know, I guess we will see.

I write about my journey through this trial. However, my life isn’t all about sex addiction. That’s a part of it, yes, a big part, but it’s definitely not all. My life is just life. It's beautiful. It's amazing. It's a gift. I see beauty and joy in every day.

I'm the wife of a sex-addict, but I'm also so much more.

I like to learn. I try to make every moment a learning opportunity. I learn from my students, the youth I work with at church, experiences, books, friends, and family. I don't want any opportunity that could better myself to be missed.

I love to laugh. I love it when I make myself laugh (usually because I’m so weird). I love dancing! I am by no means a good dancer. I just love it, and I love being goofy. I especially love dancing in the car.

I love music! I love to sing and play the piano. Once again, I’m not a great singer, but I totally don’t care! I belt out songs when I am happy or angry. I sing to my husband to cheer him up. I sing to myself to cheer me up. Music is a big part of my life (if you couldn’t tell from the many songs I have posted). Music makes me happy and calms me.

I love to exercise. I love the feeling of being completely exhausted but knowing I’m a beast. I think that comes down to my love for accomplishing hard things. I played sports in high school, which I think has helped me manage tough things in my life. I want to start yoga when I feel like my body is up to it. I also want to run a marathon some day.

I’m one of the most injury/accident-prone people you will ever meet. My life is a series of unfortunate injuries—one after another. My exercising/sports-playing has been put on hold many times due to things I physically can’t do. I did develop a love for swimming, though, which can be done during most of my injuries.

I love creating things. I love to sew, and I especially love to experiment with creating my own patterns. I love to paint and draw. It’s therapeutic for me, but it’s also a passion. I love to cook/bake. I love making people happy with my creations—whatever they may be. I think my love for creation stems from my love for God and what He has given me.

I love watching movies and snuggling under a blanket. Especially on a rainy day.

Speaking of rainy days, I love puddle jumping! Or dancing in the rain.

I also love to read. I love stories—the creation of stories and living through stories. I love imagination and writing. I once wanted to be an author.

I love teenagers. I teach high school, and I work with my church’s youth group (for you LDS-folk, I’m the miamaid adviser). I seriously love it! Teenagers are fun!

I want to have a family more than anything. I’ve been told that maybe I haven’t been able to get pregnant yet because I need to work on my relationship with my husband more. Well, we’re trying. Being infertile is incredibly painful, but it definitely increases my desire for a family. I know I’ll appreciate it more when I do have children. Right now, I just consider my students and youth-group my children. I love and care about them so much. All of the hard things I’m doing are helping prepare me to be a mother. I know that is my divine purpose.

Making myself known is a big step for me. I know it isn’t necessary for everyone, but it just feels right for me. I’ve learned from experience that when God tells me to do something, I need to do it. Putting my name and face on my blog was the biggest prompting I received at the Togetherness Project—I think because it’s the next step toward serving others who are in this situation. It’s right. It’s time for me to be brave. So here I am, putting myself out there. I am a little afraid. Okay, a lot afraid. Now people I know might actually find me (gasp!) and get personal details about my life. That is a scary thought because I tend to keep the details between me and my close peeps. I'm totally okay with being open; it's just the fear of what people might think about me and my life that keeps me closed. I'm stepping out there now because what I want most is to spread the hope and joy I feel.

I'm the wife of a sex-addict. I'm also a woman of many talents and passions. 

Welcome to my corner of the world.

Here’s to hope and joy! Hurrah!


  1. Awwww, Kilee! This made me just about cry, I'm so proud of you! I love you so much and can't wait to see you again! Way to own your story -- you are awesome. Hugs!

  2. That was awesome! Brave in the big moments and brave in the little.

  3. YOU DID IT!!!! You are amazing!!! I am so glad I met you last Saturday. I love that you had a list of YOU...you are more than your husbands addiction. I'm going to start a list like that!

  4. Thanks, everyone :) I love you all so much! Thanks for being such a great support!

  5. Your inspiring and amazing! I hope one day I can be brave enough to show my face and be open. Thank you for paving the brave path for the rest of us. Hugs :)

  6. I.LOVE.THIS! Way to be brave!

  7. This is AMAZING! You are so beautiful inside and out! Honored to call you my friend :) Just honored. You are doing COURAGEOUS things.... and I am so blessed by your strength!