Monday, July 1, 2013

Love-Hate Relationship


I'm experiencing a love-hate relationship with the Love Dare right now.

The love part? Well, it's making me better. It's addressing and helping me change and make better my character weaknesses. Sound familiar? It's helping me achieve steps 6, 7, 8, and 9. It's helping me change. It's been really good for my attempts to overcome my weaknesses, and it's been good for our relationship. It's helping me recognize what I can't do myself. It's helping me see where I can turn to God more. It's helping me reach out to God and invite Him into my life and into my heart more often. It really is helping me in so many ways.

The hate part? It's hard. Sometimes it's just so hard. I'm seeing my weaknesses directly in front of my eyes. I'm really having to work to make changes in myself. The tasks or challenges themselves aren't always that hard. The hard part is my attitude. I should have an attitude of selflessness, an attitude of giving and loving and asking for nothing in return. That is what is hard, especially for a girl who has been hurt because of selfishness. Sometimes I just feel so selfish. I don't like that feeling, especially when I am really trying to work hard to be selfless.

Sometimes I don't want to do the dare for the day because I'm tired of holding back my negativity. The silly thing? I know negative is not good. The sillier thing? I really don't have anything to be negative about. My husband is nine days sober. He is in the process of recovery. He is trying to repent. He really is trying. He hasn't done anything mean or said anything really rude. I'm just addicted to negativity and anger, and I don't know how to purge myself of it. I'm so used to being angry about something, even when I was trying not to be back in step 7. I don't know how to live without it. Well, I've done it for five days. Last night and this morning, I just feel it trying to push itself in with full force. Stupid Satan.

Sound like an addict? I think so. It's times like this when I feel like I do understand the addiction a little better. I know my husband knows it's wrong. He doesn't like it. He wants it gone. But, then, there is just this pull towards it and he can't seem to figure out how to live without it or even completely desire to live without it because it's [basically] always been a part of him.

It's different. Obviously, anger and negativity are different from sexual addiction. But still. I understand a little bit.

So, I guess that is another good thing that is coming from my Love Dare.

But, hey, honestly, encouraging comments would be wonderful because I'm kind of struggling with my negative mindset today. I've prayed a lot this morning, and, now at the end of this post, I feel like I need to reach out to all of you. Thanks, in advance!


  1. I have a problem getting angry, too. I am so impressed you have done so well on this love-dare because while I need to do it--it sounds so hard! If you keep this up, you will have changed in an amazing and really difficult way. Kudos to you!

    1. Thank you for being so encouraging, Eileen! It is hard, but in all reality, it's a really good thing. I bet you could do it too! We can do hard things!

  2. I am way impressed that you are doing this with 9 days of sobriety. It's hard to set aside the hurt this close to D-day and focus on the love. you are awesome

    1. Thanks, Harriet! It is hard, but it's been really good for me :)