Carried Through Weak and Powerless

Today I woke up feeling weak and powerless. I've been so incredibly emotional the past few days.

The couch thing didn't turn out bad. Like I said in my last post, it made him think and realize the severity of the situation. Yesterday morning, he climbed into bed with me when my alarm went off, and we kind of clung to one another for a few minutes before we got up to go swim. 

After we swam, we went to my school where we spent seven hours doing stuff in my classroom (he is a trooper!). We had fun, and Jack did some incredible service for me. I couldn't be ready for school to start tomorrow if it hadn't been for him. 

After our long day at work, we went out to dinner. While there, Jack decided he wanted to see a movie. The problem is, by that time, it was kind of late and the only movies playing were high in sexual content or language. I really wanted to see a late show with him because he was so excited about going out to a movie. After looking up different movies to see why they were rated what they were rated and reading the descriptions, I told him I didn't think I could go see anything. In my opinion, most of the movies out right now are crap. Movies could be so much better without that one scene or that one word (and by that one word, I literally mean that one word--that really bad one that is suddenly okay to have more than once in PG-13 movies). We like watching  movies together, but lately, we've found ourselves watching Everybody Loves Raymond re-runs quite often. Seriously. [Today, he said he should change his name to Frank on the blog so we could be Frank and Marie. I suggested that originally, and he shot it down. He is in denial about the fact that he would shut something down that is so genius. But in reality, I wouldn't want to be Frank and Marie anyway. I don't really admire their relationship--I just think it's funny.] 

Anyway, we decided not to go out to a movie... and then the depression hit. With the crazy-busy day winding down and the realization that most of the movies out are ones we are probably not going to see, everything from the past few days caught up to us. First he got depressed. I'm not entirely sure what happened. I think he had been stifling it all day and then it just came out. After his depression came out, then came mine. I went to read my scriptures, but he didn't want to read his. That's a red flag for me, and it got my cycle to rolling. 

I started swimming in depression. Or drowning. I read in the Lorenzo Snow book about the Atonement, and it was really good. But then I fell asleep thinking--worrying and fearful. And here is the heart of my depressed state: I was afraid that his depression would beat him this time. I was afraid that he will give up and choose to live in his addiction. I faced the fear that he will give up on us and me. There is a downward spiral here that I don't want to finish writing about because I'm ashamed of it. I'm afraid of it. I still faced those fears this morning (even now if I choose to dwell there, which I will not choose because I am going to win this battle). I felt like I was drowning in my pain, and I know without a doubt I have been carried through this day.

We watched Return to Me last night. I bawled the whole time. When I watch movies like that, it's hard for me to not put myself in the characters' positions. I was already emotional, and that made the emotions hit me worse. 

I woke up still feeling in a funk. Like I said in the beginning: weak and powerless. However, this day has shown me so many blessings. Christ is very literally holding me up today. I know I'm not carrying myself. I first felt His lifting me up on the way to church when we listened to the songs "Emma" and "One Who Understands." 

I in no way compare my pain to Emma's, but I love this song because it does describe my pain almost perfectly. The situations are different, but I can totally feel this song. The video kind of takes away from how it relates to me because like I said, our situations are totally different. But I hope you get what I'm saying about how I can feel the song. You can listen to it for me, and then watch the video for her if you want.

"One Who Understands" is also one of my favorites. This song is from the Nashville Tribute to the Pioneers (Trek) CD. The power of the Atonement as described in this song, along with the pain, really hits home for me. One of my favorite lines is the part where she feel so helpless she wants to scream. Yes, been there. "Savior, the world was on your shoulders. For every drop of pain that fell in my name, I'm forever thankful...When I think no one could know, when no one else could know, when I think no one could know, I remember One who understands."

These are both in my recovery playlist. They bring me relief and comfort. They were among the songs that came on the other day while I was driving to work (tender mercy). 

I'm experiencing many tender mercies today--from these songs playing on the way to church, to the time I took to write during sacrament meeting, to the lyrics to the sacrament hymn, to the joy I felt teaching Sunday School to my kids, to the lesson we had in Relief Society ("Lord, I Believe" from General Conference). I know I'm being carried, and for that I'm so grateful. I know that all the fear I feel/have felt is from Satan, and I'm trying to battle it. I'm trying to cling to my Savior and let Him lift me up.

Today started out rocky. It's going well, though. This is one of those times I talked about in my Scaffolding post where God is holding me up so I don't fall down, but I know soon I will have the strength I need to do this on my own, and He will lift me up again when I face harder challenges. He is always there. Always.

"If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth."--Mark 9:23


And sometimes it's okay to drown your sorrows in fresh cookies :D