It's a tough balancing act to figure out how to manage the addiction in our lives as well as our marital and family relationships. Whether or not to have more kids has been weighing on my mind for months. I have so many fears and insecurities, but at the same time, I don't want to live with regrets. I would definitely regret not having more kids because I was waiting on him to find "solid recovery." I feel like we would miss out on a crucial part of our relationship, as well as spirits that could be in our family.
People have asked me why I'm still here. Still married. Still waiting on him to get into full recovery. The simplest answer I can give to that is that God wants me here. The more complicated version is that 1) I still love him. 2) I still have hope for his recovery and the recovery of our family. 3) There is more good than bad, and I'm not willing to give up the good. 4) We have a child, and I want to do everything possible to make this work. 5) I have received my answer, and that answer is to stay.
I know my choices don't make sense to a lot of people. But they make sense to me. I know I was led to this relationship. We had a difficult courtship, but I chose him. I chose to marry him for eternity, not knowing everything about him. Being married to an addict isn't pretty, but I'm not just married to an addict. I'm married to a man who loves me and loves our son. He is funny, smart, and helpful. We don't have the best communication, but we are working on it. He tries to be better every day, and he helps me be better too. We have come a long way with this one, but he is honest (yes, about his addiction). I can't see him as just an addict because he is so much more than that, and everything else about him is the person love.
My life is a roller coaster, and there are definitely lows. Things are hard. But that's life. No one has the perfect marriage or family. We are just doing our best with what we are given.
I mentioned in an earlier post that we have been trying to decide when is the right time to start trying to bring another child into our family. It's a tough decision. There are so many variables. And, honestly, I feel pressured by many people to not take that step until Ben is in full recovery and has a good bout of sobriety under his belt. That is important to me, but what is also important to me is having faith in God. Because things have been so difficult through our marriage, however, sometimes it's hard to have faith and trust in what I have received as personal revelation. I question everything.
Today I studied this talk about choosing light. A couple of quotes stood out to me.
"The adversary...will try to convince us that we have never felt the influence of the Spirit and that it will be easier just to stop trying."
"To ignore and discount past spiritual experiences will distance us from God. "
I really struggle with doubting my revelation. Especially my revelation to marry my husband--and everything that went along with that. So many times, I have doubted and discounted past spiritual experiences because I don't understand why I have been led to where I am. I let my fears take over, and I draw a wedge between God and myself. Reading this talk really helped open my eyes and pinpoint exactly what some of my problems are when it comes to revelation and fear.
This week, we made the decision to start trying to bring another child into our family. It's been months in the making, and all along, I've just prayed and asked God to help me know when it is the right time. I've resisted thinking too much about this decision because I've been afraid. But this week, I really felt like the time is now.
As I spoke to a friend about all of my fears regarding this decision (namely, am I being an enabler if he is still acting out but we are trying to have another child? or am I completely stupid to make this decision?), she told me that receiving revelation and pressing forward in faith is the most courageous thing I could do.
All I really want is to have faith and courage. I know God sees all and comprehends way more than I can imagine in this life. The fears I have are valid, but so is my faith.
So here I go, pressing forward and trusting God. I feel so much more peace than I have in months because I am no longer resisting or dwelling on fear. I am just trying to press forward doing His work and trying to keep to the path that goes back to Him.