This week I've faced a lot of emotion. I've fought shame, triggers, and trauma. I've had ups and downs. But I feel great.
Yesterday, I talked to my cousin on the phone for a while. She didn't know about the addiction, but I felt like I should tell her. Plus, it's so hard to answer, and feel honest, when people ask how things are going without bringing up the addiction. Or at least saying we are having marital trouble.
As I poured out the effects of the addiction on our marriage and how we have struggled in the past year, especially the past few months, I boldly stated, "I know this sounds awful and it's a lot to take in. But I love my life." It even took me a little by surprise.
But you know what? I love my life.
Sometimes I hate it, but there are so many beautiful things in my life.
God grants me tender mercies every day.
I have amazing friends who I wouldn't have met were it not for the addiction.
I have an amazing husband. Even if we somehow don't make it through this, there is too much good in our marriage to be hateful of the experience we have had together (which leads me to believe we will make it through this... but I'm having trust issues, so it's hard to be vulnerable enough to say that without some kind of disclaimer).
I have a stronger relationship with God then I could ever imagine. How could I hate something that has brought me so much closer to my Father and my Savior?
I have learned that no trial exempts me from other trials. I've also learned that I can master anything if I turn to God.
I have learned what it means to love with my whole heart.
I have learned the true meaning of surrender to God.
I have learned who my true friends are.
I see light [almost] every day, even if just for a brief moment in time. And it is those pockets of light that pull me through the darkness.
I'm starting to really understand the "plan", the Atonement, charity, and joy.
I'm discovering who I truly am. And I love who I am.
I'm learning how to use my talents to facilitate joy--in my life and the lives of others around me.
That's just part of it.
But I truly believe that I can love my life, even if the addiction is a part of it. I hope and pray that we are close to truly kicking the addiction to the curb. I hope and pray that we are on the adventure together--climbing back up and building the greatness that can be our life. Together.
Regardless of what he chooses, I know I can be happy. So I am trying to choose that.