This week has been so different from anything I've experienced in a long time.
It's weird to think that I no longer live in Arkansas. I miss my friends and family.
It's also weird to think I'm back in Texas, very close to where I grew up, but things are so different than they used to be. I'm different than I used to be.
It's weird that I'm not working. I've actually been shaming myself in that area. I won't go into detail, but I've made myself feel very guilty and shamed for not working. I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I'm not. But seriously. So I'm working on that.
It's weird that I have all this time to focus on me. It's really good for me. I've had time to think and feel. I've actually had to face my emotions and my life as it is, something that I haven't actually done because I was busy with taking classes, then I was busy with student-teaching, then I was busy with moving to Arkansas, and then I was super busy as a first year teacher. Not that I haven't ever dealt with my life before, but I haven't made dealing and healing my number one priority until now. And it feels weird.
I've faced a lot of tough emotional battles this week. I'm still struggling in a lot of ways, and I'm also realizing I'm not as secure with myself as I pretend to be. I even admitted to a friend (something I don't think I've ever admitted out loud--not even to Ben) that I was riding the line with an eating disorder a few years ago right after my car accident, through the time that I learned of Ben's addiction. I never let it get too far, but lots of people noticed that I was way too skinny and not eating enough. I have disordered eating tendencies, and I've worked really hard to handle it in healthy ways.
I'm realizing I have issues and insecurities that run deep. I've warded them off and pretended they don't exist for so long, that it's really good (but really hard) for me to finally feel everything and sort through the muck so I can learn to feel whole. Feeling whole is hard. I'm wading through so much just as the wife of a sex-addict. But then I think about insecurities and fears I've had since my teen years, and that gives me even more to work on and feel depressed about.
But I'm on a quest for wholeness. I want to feel beautiful and secure as a daughter of God. I want to find joy in my life and especially in my marriage. I want my soul to be filled with love, light, and energy. So I'm wading through this mess that is my life so I can find that, so my soul can be complete. And that's why I'm not working right now. I'm allowing myself time to feel. I'm allowing myself time to heal. I have plans and ideas of what I can do to be made whole, and I'm doing this prayerfully. I'm seeking out God's direction, and He is guiding me on my search for wholeness. I'm finding my shame and dealing with it. I'm learning and growing (okay, right now I'm mostly eating and sleeping, slowly gaining motivation to face life. But baby steps, right?). I'm facing things, though, and that is my first step.
Everything feels harder because of the state of my marriage and the addiction. Sometimes it's hard to have faith, and I'll admit, I've wondered what it would be like to just live without all of this. I've wondered if turning on God in anger would make me feel better (I know it won't. No worries there.).
Today, as I studied my scriptures, I read the first chapter of King Benjamin's speech (Mosiah 2). The very last verse reads:
"...if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness."
This verse really hit me today because of the worries and fears I've been having. I've been wading through some serious trauma, and having faith and hope is just so hard sometimes.
Sometimes in life it's hard to see the end. We are going through it hard and fast now, and there seems to be no end in sight. Today, I was given the grace of seeing the end. The end is living with God in a state of NEVER. ENDING. HAPPINESS. Isn't that what I want? Isn't that what we all want? To just be happy forever?
Sometimes life hurts. Sometimes it's full of pain and heartache, and we feel like we can't go on. Sometimes we can't see the end, and we wonder what all of this is for.
There is an end. The end is happiness with God. But that's if we are faithful.
I can hold on a little bit longer. I can exercise faith. I can. I know I can. And knowing if I do it this way, that I will end up with NEVER-ENDING HAPPINESS brings me so much hope and peace.
We can do it. Just hold on a little bit longer.