Saturday, August 10, 2013

A new day, a fresh start!

After I wrote my post a couple nights ago, I started crying. Uncontrollably. Mostly because of the itching. Well, it was more than just itching. My legs felt like they were on fire, and the rash seemed like acid burning into my skin. I couldn't handle it.

I asked Jack to give me a blessing. It was all I knew to do because my prayers didn't seem to be working. I don't even know what I expected because, in my eyes, it was obviously not part of The Plan for the nasty itching to go away. I got to the point where I just knew I needed to rely on some source of communication with God, so I asked for a blessing.

A few things stood out to me. First of all, I was not blessed to be healed (not a shock at all. I've never been blessed to be healed), but instead was blessed to have the strength I needed to bear it all night and the next day until I could seek medical attention. That was actually a huge relief because the night before I had barely gotten any sleep because of the rash. And I couldn't see a doctor until after my Professional Development session at school the next day. I was told to rely on Christ. I was also told that many of my physical trials are a result of my stress. And then I was told I have the power and capacity to do all that is necessary for school this coming school-year. If I get overwhelmed, I am to turn it over to Christ and keep pressing on.

I know priesthood blessings are supposed to be full of light, and in many ways this was, but afterwords, I felt overpowered with darkness. I saw the blessings, but I saw so much more negative. Which goes to show that I haven't been in the best frame of mind this week.

First, let me say that being blessed with strength is beautiful. What better way to grow than to be blessed with the strength to bear something. If the trial was removed instantly, there would be no growth. Now, that being said, I don't always have that clear of thinking in the moment of trial.

The main reasons I became depressed were because I read into it too much, and thus became way too hard on myself. I was told to turn to Christ, and I was told that my physical trials are a result of my stress. I've been working so hard to turn my life over to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I've been working just as hard to release and manage my stressors in positive and appropriate ways. I've been trying to turn them over to Christ. I've been trying to take one day at a time. I've been using positive self-talk. I've been taking the time to meditate. I've been trusting that I will be taken care of. Granted, this week has been tough, and I haven't done my absolute best. And that is why I took it so hard. I thought well, I've been working so hard but hit a slump this week. Obviously, God expects my best and is not okay with my slump. He is punishing me with this awful rash to show me that I'm not trusting Him enough or managing my stress as well as I thought. He isn't cutting me any slack. I can't go on. I just can't. I felt like all my efforts were in complete and utter vain.

I cried for a long while. Those thoughts, by themselves, are depressing enough. So, combined with my other depressing thoughts, I was out of control.

All I can say now is that I feel pretty good. I feel blessed. The itching didn't drive me crazy at PD yesterday. We even ended early, and I got time to work in my classroom a little bit. I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon. Between the prescribed steroid cortisone cream and the Benadryl, the itching is at a minimum, and I slept soooooo beautifully last night.

I'm still a little worried [stressed, ironically enough] about the fact that I'm not managing my stress well. I thought I was. And it stresses me out that I have to figure out something new. I'm trying not to be stressed. School starts in one week from Monday. All the sudden, I feel like I am totally not ready at all. But I'll be okay. I just have to turn to God, and I know He will help me.

The stupid thing is that I kind of don't want to. I'm falling back into my stubborn self where I don't want help. I want to do it on my own. I don't want to do it His way because then I get back injuries, foot problems, and rashes on my legs. Not to mention the addiction stuff.  I want Him to cut me some slack. I want things to just be really good for a season.

And then I feel ungrateful and selfish because I know I'm blessed. Things are really good overall. I'm so excited for school to start! The closer it gets, the more excited I feel. The addiction is going well, and Jack was even recently called to the Sunday School presidency, which is a sign to me that God trusts him, so I'm trying to trust him more too. The itching has significantly gone down, and I was recently "released" from my back issues: I still go in for maintenance check-ups, but I could run and jump and dance if I wanted too! [However, I don't because of my feet, and that's another story.]

I'm too stubborn to repent for the way I have been acting towards God. It's so dumb. I will, though. I'm praying for a softer heart and perspective.

Today is a new day. I'm not going to give up or stay depressed because of all this stuff I just wrote about. I'm going to pray for peace and light. I'm going to keep Satan and his demons away from me. And I'm going to figure out how to live the way God wants me too. I'll call on my angels to help me.

A new day is a fresh start. Every day.

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