We'd planned on going to the temple today all month, and I faced some serious opposition leading up to today. Even this morning. Man, I've just been so overwhelmed with everything happening in my life that I started shutting down this week. It's literally been self-administered pep talks every day. I'm doing my best, but I've still been very discouraged. I've tried to give it to God, but that's been hard too.
I've been MEAN this week. So many little things have gotten to me. I've restrained a lot (despite what some people close to me may think), and I know I've just been awful with some of what I did let loose.
Today I went to the temple. I was blessed during the week to recognize Satan's attempts for me not to go, and I wasn't stopped by Him. I'm so glad I went to the temple because I got a lot of insight that I totally needed.
During my session, I reflected back on this week trying to figure out what the real problem was. The real problem was not insurance (we had a few minor issues that I got rageful about). It wasn't him forgetting to close my water bottle after filling it up for me. It wasn't him giving me an anniversary gift early--despite my protestations. Nor was it him missing my school's pride night (although that was a big deal for me. But in the end it wasn't quite his fault). See how minor those things are? I see it. That's why I have been concerned and getting down on myself.
The real problem comes down to the addiction. I've been in denial about how much I'm hurting from the last few weeks. In fact, I tend to be in denial about my pain a lot because I try so hard to not be codependent that I try to blame my issues on other things. Usually the small, meaningless stuff.
I realized that I'm hurting. I actually think I haven't fully forgiven him for this one yet. It also hurts because I felt so unsafe that I couldn't bring myself to physical intimacy during my fertile time. That hurt. We couldn't even try this month because of my pain. Infertility is painful. Here's to another month, and this month it's because of choice. Sigh.
On a brighter note, I also realized in the temple that I haven't given myself me time. I need to. I really need to.
I also felt God's love wash over me as He told me, "You made it. You made it to the temple. I knew you would come."
The last big thing from the temple was the lesson I learned about waiting on the Lord. I've never caught that like I did today. From that, I feel more hope and strength for endurance. I can keep going. Even if I don't think He is there, He is. And He sees all. He has a plan for me that is much better than I could come up with.
And on that note, bring on September! **fist pump!**
