Thursday, October 31, 2013

My Secret Life

Even though I've known about the addiction for 2.5 years, it's still hard for me to digest. Sometimes I go back and think about things as they once were (or as I thought they were) and I just miss it. I miss the mornings that we didn't get out of bed for hours because we just wanted to be together. I miss the feelings of bliss. I miss the innocent joy. Didn't we all get married with some different fairy tale than what we got in mind?

It's not like we are doing horribly or that our lives are awful. They aren't. We're actually doing pretty well, all things considered. Plus, he is 33 days sober! Don't let that fool you, though. One thing I've learned is that the length of sobriety time does not determine my happiness. If I'm still grieving or depressed or whatever, I'm still there. I have to work through it and come to terms with things on my own time. So, even with that awesome sobriety (great job, Ben!), we are still facing consequences of the addiction. And that is okay. It's just sad too.

I'm stuck in the grief cycle. I don't really know where I am. It changes from day to day, and it all fluctuates between denial, anger, and depression. And, I know it to be possible to experience all three of those in the same day. When that happens, well, we'll just call it one heck of a day.

I actually wonder why I'm still in denial (or maybe it's not that I'm still in denial, but I am again. There have been times when I felt like I accepted things. But then more addiction happens and I sometimes hit denial again). I mean, HELLOOOOOO, do I need to repeat what I said in my first sentence? I've known about the addiction for 2.5 YEARS. That should be long enough to come to terms and accept that this is my life. Except for the fact that I haven't finished grieving what I thought we had--what I thought we had many times and then discovered lies. And I'm still grieving what might or might not be. I'm grieving the changes that have happened that cause me to fear the future (a little bit). I still can't believe this is happening to ME, to US. The marriage that I worked so hard for is not what I thought it was. My plan is on the floor around me, broken.

I'm learning to not rely on plans. I'm learning to just live, and that's how I'm able to face all of this head on. Well, that is through the grace of God. I'm definitely not doing this on my own.

I realized I'm still in denial and trying too hard to fight depression last night. Last night I did a couples satisfaction survey on ADDO. Apparently, I am currently dissatisfied with my marriage. The results of that survey came partially as a shock (because I was in denial of how messy and dissatisfied I feel), and partially as a relief--like a deep breath of truth and honesty with myself. I'm dissatisfied. That's okay. We are working. He is working on recovery. Things can get better. If I said I was satisfied, I would be lying to myself. That's what I've been doing. So, now, I'm just trying to embrace.

I hate denial. I hate anger. I hate depression. I'm glad I'm facing them head on, and I'm really trying not to shove these feelings off. I'm trying to pick myself up every day and get a move on.

Okay, enough rambling. Here is the main thing I want you to get from this post. Ready?

If you are suffering because someone you love has an addiction (any addiction), and you are in silence, stop the silence. Now. Open up to someone. Let it out. Cry to someone you trust to not be judgmental of the situation.

Allow yourself to feel. Step out of denial.

Maybe this is just me, but I feel like I have been in denial for too long. I think that is because I have kept this part of my life a big secret for so long. Because, seriously, how hard is it to accept something when that part of your life is a complete secret from the rest of the world? I didn't tell anyone. For a long time. When I did finally tell someone, I rarely brought it up after that.

And now? Now, I have a circle of support. I have friends I can talk to. I have friends who I can cry to, who won't judge me or my husband. I'm allowing myself to live in this mess, and I'm starting to be okay with it. I'm not quite yet in the acceptance part of the grief cycle. I'm still fighting it. I don't do change well. And I don't want this to be happening. But I'll get there one day. I'll accept it better. That's what I'm working on right now.

If you don't know who you can talk to, talk to me. I'd love to get to know you :)


  1. Love this post. Love the realness. Life is hard, it just is. Sometimes I have to look around me and find somebody that has it harder than me, and then I am grateful for my own trials. Keep it up. Writing can be the best therapy.

    1. Thank you, Tamara! I agree, life is hard. I love learning about others' trials because it helps me be grateful for what I have, and it gives me strength to see others' strength.