Friday, August 8, 2014

Trauma Response

My body has been conditioned to feel a trauma response when I am faced with decisions. Any decision, big or small. I start shutting down. I feel it start in my head. Then it starts closing in on the rest of my body. And holy cow, I just need to lay down and shut the world out. Except I think I've been trying to lay down and shut the world out for months. It's not getting better. I still feel that trauma response erupt every time I have any kind of trigger. But the triggers aren't necessarily about sex/media/etc. Most of them are emotional triggers that remind me of the pain I felt earlier this year and bring me back to every pain I have felt in my life.

I don't know how I can live this way. I'm not living. Every little thing requires a huge decision. Every decision requires hours and hours of thinking and weighing all possibilities and making sure I have evaluated as much as I can with the information I have. 

I have decisions to make today. One fairly big. One pretty small. Both are shutting me down.

When will I stop feeling so frozen and be able to make a decision again? 

I'm trying to turn it over to Christ. But it's hard. So hard. So many fears. So many traumas erupting. 

I was introduced to Casting Crowns this week. I'm a little obsessed. You should be too. Listen to both songs. Drink in the lyrics. 

Just Be Held

 The Well

POST EDIT: I have spent the morning praying and turning my turmoil over to God, along with asking for guidance in the decisions that needed to be made (which were actually three, not two, as I said earlier). I received answers to my prayers, which were not the answers that I was anticipating. But, from the answers I received, I know that God is mindful of me. He knows my limitations and needs. I've also had a few other things happen this morning that show me God is near. 


  1. Yay Kilee, this is great. I know you told me you were feeling similar things as I wrote about and I think you're right. I'm nodding my head as I read this because it's so similar to me. I'm sorry things have been so hard and that one emotion triggers so many more. Sometimes it's just not fair. I know how hard it is to turn it over to God. I want to trust in myself and also don't feel deserving of His help/love. I'm slowly letting Him break down those walls because even though it's hard and hurts, I'm fairly certain it's the only way to find healing. I'm so glad you're finding answers. I also love Casting Crowns :) <3

  2. The insidious way this creeps into every aspect of our lives. It is so far reaching...and awful.