I didn't realize I was super struggling today until I started writing in my journal. Then, all the thoughts and pains slipped out in the form of tears.
I had no motivation to do anything this morning, but then this little feeling kicked me out of bed and led me to grab my Healing Through Christ journal and read through everything I've written for step 2.
Step 2 is "Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health."
At first, that was really comforting. But then, I was like, WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
What does it mean that I can be restored completely, to be healed?
I'll tell you what it doesn't mean.
It doesn't mean I will be never feel this pain.
It doesn't mean I will forget what I have gone through.
And it certainly doesn't mean I will not feel pain every time Ben acts out in his addiction. It doesn't mean that.
I think it means that God will strengthen me and give me resiliency so this doesn't keep me down. When I am healed, I will have a firm faith in Him. I will be able to use this pain for good. I will be stronger. I will have scars, but that's all they will be: scars. They won't keep me down. When I am healed, I will be at my fullest potential, and I will be able to do anything because of Him.
Healing takes time. It's a process, a journey. There will be stumbles on the way, so I have to be patient on the journey.
I have to believe that eventually, I will be restored to spiritual and emotional health. I will be healthy. I will be resilient and beautiful, and I won't live in a state of depression and fear. I'm on my way there, I know it. I don't know when I'll get there, but I will. I can be healed.