Wednesday, May 14, 2014

A Moment of Clarity

This morning as I was driving home from lap-swimming, I was caught in a very pleasant moment. That's a big deal because I feel like the past 3 weeks 3 months year has been full of highly unpleasant moments. Pain, depression, yada yada.

As I pondered in that moment, I thought about everything I have experienced with this trial. Well, not only the things I have experienced due to this trial, but this trial on top of everything else (medical issues, infertility, financial woes, etc). And then it all hit me.

I am grateful. 

Not the kind of grateful where I am "counting my blessings" looking for reasons to be grateful, but an actual gratitude for these trials. I was really grateful. I felt it deep in my soul.

But it's not that I'm grateful that my husband looks at porn or masturbates. Or that he lies and deceives. I had a moment of clarity where I saw my divine potential. I saw what I am accomplishing as I face this [torture]. I saw growth, beauty, and hope.

I realized I'm grateful that I was trusted with this trial. I honestly don't know what other trial could bring me to God in the ways this one has. Maybe any other trial could help me grow. I don't know. What I do know is this morning I had a feeling that this trial has been fitted for me. And I am being given divine strength every day. Even on days that I feel weak, ugly, and lost. I am still being given divine strength to make it through.

Then I remembered a priesthood blessing I received a few months ago. In that blessing, I was told that before I came to this earth, I saw the trials I would face, and I rejoiced because I knew they would be the only way I could draw close to God and come to live with Him again. \

I felt that in a moment of clarity this morning. And I'm sharing it with you so maybe you can feel some hope too. It doesn't make it any easier. And I know I'll still have plenty of bad days in the future. But for now, I'm just grateful for what I'm learning and becoming.


  1. Oh your last two posts are just all of our lives, aren't they? The pendulum and roller coaster of the addiction life. I hate how my moments of clarity and peace are just gone in a moment when the depression comes. Best to you.

    1. Thank you. Yes, they are our lives. Crazy, addiction roller coaster!
      I'm grateful for the moments of clarity and peace. They get me through.

  2. I love this, Kilee. I remember feeling this exact same way when it came to infertility. The empathy I learned for so many struggling women around me was something I don't believe I could've learned any other way.
    Have you ever heard Hilary Week's song Beautiful Heartbreak? Look it up on Youtube and watch the music video. It is incredible. I cry almot every time I watch it and I dont cry often. I bet you will relate to it.
    I love you.

    1. I love that song. It makes me cry every time too.
      Also, What's Mine is Yours by Katherine Nelson.