Wednesday, May 14, 2014

A Moment of Clarity

This morning as I was driving home from lap-swimming, I was caught in a very pleasant moment. That's a big deal because I feel like the past 3 weeks 3 months year has been full of highly unpleasant moments. Pain, depression, yada yada.

As I pondered in that moment, I thought about everything I have experienced with this trial. Well, not only the things I have experienced due to this trial, but this trial on top of everything else (medical issues, infertility, financial woes, etc). And then it all hit me.

I am grateful. 

Not the kind of grateful where I am "counting my blessings" looking for reasons to be grateful, but an actual gratitude for these trials. I was really grateful. I felt it deep in my soul.

But it's not that I'm grateful that my husband looks at porn or masturbates. Or that he lies and deceives. I had a moment of clarity where I saw my divine potential. I saw what I am accomplishing as I face this [torture]. I saw growth, beauty, and hope.

I realized I'm grateful that I was trusted with this trial. I honestly don't know what other trial could bring me to God in the ways this one has. Maybe any other trial could help me grow. I don't know. What I do know is this morning I had a feeling that this trial has been fitted for me. And I am being given divine strength every day. Even on days that I feel weak, ugly, and lost. I am still being given divine strength to make it through.

Then I remembered a priesthood blessing I received a few months ago. In that blessing, I was told that before I came to this earth, I saw the trials I would face, and I rejoiced because I knew they would be the only way I could draw close to God and come to live with Him again. \

I felt that in a moment of clarity this morning. And I'm sharing it with you so maybe you can feel some hope too. It doesn't make it any easier. And I know I'll still have plenty of bad days in the future. But for now, I'm just grateful for what I'm learning and becoming.

4 comments:

  1. Oh your last two posts are just all of our lives, aren't they? The pendulum and roller coaster of the addiction life. I hate how my moments of clarity and peace are just gone in a moment when the depression comes. Best to you.
    Patience
    patienceofhope.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you. Yes, they are our lives. Crazy, addiction roller coaster!
      I'm grateful for the moments of clarity and peace. They get me through.

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  2. I love this, Kilee. I remember feeling this exact same way when it came to infertility. The empathy I learned for so many struggling women around me was something I don't believe I could've learned any other way.
    Have you ever heard Hilary Week's song Beautiful Heartbreak? Look it up on Youtube and watch the music video. It is incredible. I cry almot every time I watch it and I dont cry often. I bet you will relate to it.
    I love you.

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    1. I love that song. It makes me cry every time too.
      Also, What's Mine is Yours by Katherine Nelson.

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