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I recently decided to study the LDS church's family support program on my own. Getting to meetings is hard. I like to go when I can, but sometimes life just gets in the way, and attending in-person meetings is just not a priority for my recovery right now.
I love this program. I LOVE it.
The first principle is called "God Will Console Us in Our Afflictions." As I've studied this principle, I've felt a lot of peace come to me. It's been perfectly timed because I'm really triggered by an upcoming trip Ben is taking for work.
Today I studied this talk.
It solidified in me this feeling that Ben's addiction is not my fault. It is not related to me in any way. I've struggled with this idea because the first time he acted out in our marriage was some kind of twisted revenge against me. Yeah. So when people say the addiction isn't related to me, sometimes in my head I'm like "Well, how can you be so sure? Because actually, it is about me."
That line of thinking comes and goes. But lately, I've been realizing just how much I have carried a victim mentality through this and how that mentality has affected me in every aspect of my life. I am working hard to rid myself of that mentality and live my life with a free spirit.
I'm finding myself again, and it's beautiful.
This talk I studied was a good reminder of what addiction is and how it impacts agency. It helped me feel a little less mad at my 29-year old husband for what he has *done* to us and feel a bit more empathy for the child who was deceived by Satan, the child who had some major things he was dealing with and numbed through addiction. That empathy has been lost in my anger.
We are on a rough road. But as I've been trying to demolish my victim mentality, something has come alive in me that I've been yearning for but haven't figured out how to attain: LOVE. Love for everyone, really. But most importantly, a love for Ben. When I'm not super angry at him all the time, or more accurately, when I'm not looking for reasons to be super angry at him all the time, it's much easier to see the good things in our relationship and in his spirit. That is important because he is not defined by his addiction. But sometimes I define him by his addiction.
Obviously we still have a long way to go, and it would be much easier if he could get into solid recovery. I still have hope that he can and will, and I still have hope for our family. But right now, I am finding light that I haven't seen in a long while, and it feels good.
