I haven't written in months. This is by far the longest stretch, and it's weird. I had thought about just letting this space go because, for many reasons, I just don't seem to need it as much anymore. But I love this space. It's a part of who I am, and I don't want to let it go because 1. all of you who read this, and 2. I may need it in the future. Who knows when the addiction will rear its ugly head again.
I'm grateful for the growth and healing I've achieved here. I'm grateful for the support of everyone who follows my blog. Right now, I'm wrapped up in figuring out how to balance my two little ones with the rest of my life.
We are finally in a place where I am learning what our life can be like without the addiction. I guess not entirely without the addiction because it is still very real, and there are still consequences and trauma I face and work to move past. But, Ben is about 11 months sober, and now that the day-to-day acting out is in the past, we are both able to dig deeper to work on our relationship.
I'm no longer in the "everything is your fault because you are an addict" place. I'm working on dealing with my emotions and trying to see him as a person, husband, and father rather than my enemy. I hate saying that out loud, but there really have been times where he was Public Enemy #1 for me. It was such a hard place to be because I loved him and saw his potential, but I also hated a lot of the feelings I had towards him because of the addiction.
We have both changed a lot in the almost-7-years that we've been married, and right now we are getting to know each other again. We are discovering who we are as individuals and a couple. And we are working on building and strengthening our family unit as well.
I *hope* I can say the addiction is behind us. But I know it's still too early. I can't fully let go yet. And I'm not sure that he can either. It's still a daily battle in some ways. But we are making progress, and that progress is good.
