A lot has changed in the five months since I wrote my last post. Also, it's weird that it's been five months. I remember back in the day where I was in daily trauma and needing to write to process. I couldn't handle missing more than a day or two, and here I am thinking, "I don't even remember what my last post was about." Strange, yeah?
I could write about a lot of things, but I have no clue where I'm going with this. I just need to process some feelings, and it will be a surprise even to me at what spills out right here.
This week has been very hard. I won't go into detail because there are some things going on that we don't want to make public (not specifically related to addiction). So anyway, this week has been very hard. I feel drained. Then, something happened this weekend that pushed me over the edge. This something is related to a support group for the addiction, which is why I'm writing about it here. Because this is my place to be vulnerable and process things like that.
I thought I was fine. I thought I allowed myself to grieve and process it as I talked about it to a handful of my tribe. But, it's still here. I still feel the pain. The problem is, I always try to push my feelings away. I think I'm doing good by talking it out, but I don't do all the things I can feel my spirit and body wanting me to do. I try to rush myself through the process, and I don't think emotions are actually something that can be rushed. Whenever I rush them, they just come back stronger than before. And that's how I'm feeling this morning. I've been running for weeks, and everything has just come to head with this final thing that topped off my week, and my body is telling me to slow down and let myself feel.
This morning, I feel light headed. I feel like I might pass out. I feel like my breathing isn't right. I keep having to stop and do mindful breathing. I don't feel like I am fully present. I feel fear. I feel anxious. My muscles are tight--in my legs, my back, my neck, and my shoulders. The muscles in my face feel tight, too.
Sometimes I put too much weight on validation from outside sources, and I don't validate myself enough. I may not validate myself if I'm not validated by others. Questions like Am I overreacting? Should I feel this way? hurt my spirit because my spirit is saying, "Hey, I am hurting. Please acknowledge me, please let me feel this way." But if someone says, "Kilee, you are overreacting," then I shove my emotions back, and then my spirit hurts even more.
So today, I am practicing mindfulness (something I've been imperfectly working on over the past month). I am recognizing the signs my body is giving me that I am not okay. And I am trying to let myself be not okay. I am taking measures to allow myself to feel and process, and I will allow myself to move on when my spirit feels acknowledged and ready to move on.
