This week, I've been trying to focus on what I can "give" Christ. Basically, I've been thinking about what I can do to make myself better. That means I've had to focus on my weaknesses and admit that they are there. That means I've had to admit that some of the damage being done in my relationship with Ben is happening because of me... (in case you were wondering, a lot of my weaknesses have to do with pride)
I tend to rationalize myself out of blame. Realistically, it's totally normal. I've experienced a lot of trauma and am still experiencing trauma. There is a large amount of damage being done that is in no way my fault. But, I can't change the circumstances of what is happening. I can't change what Ben has done or what he still does. I can't change the lying or hiding. I can't change his shaming. I can't control him. I have no control over him or what he does. I do have control, however, of me and what I do.
I have control over how I react. I have control over how much hope I hold out. I have control over how I treat others around me, even when I'm angry. I have control over how much I open up to people and allow others to help me.
I've been really sad. The trauma has hit me on a whole new level. I'm not more depressed than I have been. On the contrary, I think I'm a little less depressed (or falling into denial for the time-being--not sure which). I'm just feeling and dealing with things a little differently.
My dad showed me this video this morning. I don't know where he found it, but I looked it up and found it on youtube. For all you wonderful people who are struggling with betrayal of a spouse (or any tough trial for that matter), this is for you.