During my Sunday support group, a woman shared something that really hit me.
She said something along the lines of, "I don't think our lives (being married to a sex-addict) are God's will. I think our husbands, through their own agency, have messed up God's plan for us and now we are in a position where we have to trust that God will heal us and help us through."
Can anyone else say WOW with me?
I've spent my fair share of time being bitter and angry with God for saying yes in answer to my heartfelt prayer asking if Ben is the right person to marry. I know I'm not alone in that. Ben was active in his addiction in some ways when we were dating/engaged. He lied to me when I asked about pornography (he may not have felt he was lying at the time, because of the twisted addict brain). God knew what was going on and knew what could happen if I married Him. I felt that I was supposed to marry Ben. So, yes, I've been angry with God for guiding me into this marriage.
However, I hadn't considered the possibility that maybe this isn't God's will. Maybe God saw Ben's potential as a human being, as His son, when He said yes in answer to my prayer. Maybe God chose to let Ben use his agency and prove himself. Ben could have chosen differently many times. And maybe the situation I have been in is actually NOT God's will.
I know I have grown through this trial. I have grown as a person, as a wife, and as a daughter of God.
I have gained strength. I have learned what true beauty is and been able to see that beauty in myself.
I don't know if this is God's will. Sometimes I have come to terms with it because of the growth I have experienced, the strength I've gained, and also the idea that maybe Ben needed me in his life and God knew that. And I know I accepted my trials before I came to earth. So maybe what I'm facing IS God's will for me.
But maybe there is some odd combination between this being God's will and it not being His will. I don't know.
But what I do know is I can't change the past. I can only accept what has happened, where I am now, and God's guiding hand. I can accept that He will be there for me and help guide me through this life and this mess I'm living. He won't let me down. He loves me.
So I'll try to take his hand and keep pressing forward.