I've been itching to write but not really sure what to write about. Plus, it's really hard to find the time to write these days.
I'm just going to write whatever comes to my mind and heart right now.
Having a child puts a whole new spin on being married to an addict. His decisions no longer just impact us. They impact our child (and future children) too. I knew that before I got pregnant, but I didn't understand it like I do now.
For a long time, I have held on to this hope that he will get better. I've stayed in this and worked with everything I have because of that hope. His recovery was doing really well last year when I got pregnant, and I had so much hope for our family life after the baby was born. But ever since a major relapse last September, things have not been the same. His recovery has been very up and down. I've seen addict mode like I've never seen before, and there was a brief period where he went into hiding things from me again.
There are days when I really question everything. I don't have answers, but as I study the scriptures and talks from General Conference, I just keep feeling peace. As hard as some days are, I know I'm supposed to be with Ben. I don't know if that will ever change, but I'm holding on to what I know to be true right now and doing my best to stay close to God (and that precious time I used to spend studying my scriptures and praying every day is much harder to come by now that I have a child who is very needy and clingy).
We are preparing for some new life changes that we hope will have a very positive impact on the addiction and his recovery. It's hard to make big decisions, but through prayer, we can find the answer that is right for us.
As for me and my own recovery? I feel like I'm in a pretty good place right now. I feel so busy and engaged with our son, that it's much easier for me to detach from the addiction and let Ben make the choices to do what he needs to do (or not do--and that's not on me). I'm trying to be present for myself, my son, and Ben while maintaining boundaries and being strong for myself and my son. I'm trying to have faith, hope, and peace.
One thing that has really struck me recently is the fact that I AM OKAY. He still acts out in his addiction, but I am okay. I can see the addiction for what it is. I can see Ben for who he is. I can see when the addiction is rearing it's head (most of the time...), and I can maintain boundaries and not lose sight of who I am.
Most of the time (I say most because I'm certainly not perfect in this area), I can see my value and beauty. I know who I am and I strive to live up to my potential and not let the addiction bring me down.
I don't know what lies ahead, but I do know we are in God's hands. He will guide us to safety, but we have to follow Him. For our family to stay together, we both have to follow Him. So I really hope that Ben continues on his path to recovery and that it becomes less rocky with time. I have hope.
Thanks for your comments! They help me. I have been on the same road with an addict who chooses not to be in recovery. We have played the game of me pushing and him sitting right where he wants for 11 years. I stopped pushing in August and have watched him go downhill since then. I have tried to understand how to be patient when he tells me he will work at his own pace even if it takes another 11 years. I support him in his desire to move at his own pace but I don't have any desire to live with an addict who chooses not to do everything he can to stay away from the addiction. I can't do it anymore. I can't live with the worry of what this will do to my daughters. I'm tired of how it affects me when he says he'lol do recovery in his own time. My biggest problem has been...how do you talk to an addict? How do you explain your needs to an addict? I think have tried everything I can think of but have failed miserably.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. That sounds so hard :( I feel you on so many things you said.
DeleteI don't know how to answer your questions because my husband is pretty understanding when I talk to him and tell him the things I'm struggling with (including his addiction) and my needs. Every man is different, and communication in every marriage is something that you can only figure out with time and mutual cooperation. Over the years, I've just kept practicing communication. And I've just kept talking to him, even when it has been hard or he didn't seem to understand. Or I would tell him my frustrations about him not understanding and tell him I felt unsafe talking to him about certain things. We have come a long way, and now he does listen and is understanding for the most part.
I'm sorry you're in this mess. It's just so hard!