Hope

In the Hunger Games, President Snow tells the gamemaker that there is one thing more powerful than fear: hope.

What is hope?

It's an emotional state that allows one to believe that good will come out of certain circumstances in life. In the Hunger Games, there was the little hope that you could live, that you could be the winner. Prim had hope that Katniss could win. Katniss had hope for Prim's future when she volunteered for her. Peeta had hope that he could help Katniss live. Later in the story, they had hope that they could overcome the evil that had taken over their government. In each of these instances, they all feared. But hope overrode their fear. Without hope, they wouldn't have pushed onward.

I have hope.

I only wish I could tell you everything that has happened in the last two years. It's kind of miserable. There have been times where I feel very little or no hope and I don't know how to go on.

I have hope that I will find and maintain peace and healing in my life.

I have hope that my husband will overcome his addiction and we will be together for eternity.

I have hope that we will have children.

I have hope for positive outcomes in my other trials that I haven't really described on this blog. I have hope. I love that I have hope because when I look back on everything that has happened and all the pain I have suffered, having hope is a tremendous blessing, more beautiful that I even imagined. A year ago, I didn't have this much hope. A year and a half ago, I had even less hope.

I'm so grateful for the power of the Atonement and how it has touched me and brought me hope.

Whenever I fear what the future might bring, I can remind myself what I have overcome, what I have learned, and what I have hope for. I have hope for the future because I have faith in Christ.

I make it sound simple, but I know it's not. We all know it's not. I just hope that my hope can give you hope. That's a lot of hope :)

How can we find that hope? I'll talk about the action steps for step 2 tomorrow, and not at 10 pm, I promise!

Who do you want to be?

Today has been a very busy day. I won't have time to go into detail about step 2, really. I just wanted to share something I have been thinking about lately.

A couple days ago as I was driving, I had this question hit me (and it was so intense that it caused me to miss my turn): who do you want to be? Sometimes, I drive without music so things like that can happen to me :) Music (if listened to too often) can clog our ability to receive the Spirit.

So I asked myself last night and wrote about it in my journal: who do I want to be?

There are a some things that I want of myself really badly. They are always peeking, but not always ready to come out. I decided it's time for these "peeking" traits to start making a full-time appearance in my life. I need some change. I'm ready to fill my life with optimism, passion, and joy.

Ultimately, I have the choice to become whomever I want. There is always a choice. Sometimes, we can't see the choice because it is hidden behind other things. I am ready to uncover my choices.

I want to be a disciple of Christ.

I want to be a giver.

I want to be a lover of life.

I want to jump at every opportunity, take chances, have no fear, just live and learn.

I want to have a deep passion for everything I do.

I want to turn shadows into sunshine.

I want to be grateful for the glass, whether it's half-empty or half-full (it's usually half-full).

I want to be head-over-heels in love.

I want my breath to be taken away every morning when I see my husband sleeping by my side.

I want to be able to look at my husband and have my heart melt because he is mine.

I started with a disciple of Christ because that is the most important. When the list gets down to my husband... those things can happen too, and yes, they are in my control. Even though he has done many things that have hurt our marriage, so have I. I have noticed that when I have the proper attitude, he does take my breath away. My heart does melt when I catch him looking at me. But, I want that all the time. To have that, I need to have a heart full of Christ-like love, ready to forgive, and full of gratitude. That's where the other stuff come in that are on my list. It's hard to explain what is going through my head and heart right now. But this is what I want, and I know that I can have this. I guess it ties perfectly into step 2 because a heart full of hope and love is what will bring me the optimism, passion, and joy that I desire. And hope is what I need to take me to the next step to where I desire to go.

Look out, world. Here comes the new me!

Step 2: Hope (Part 2/4)

Key Principle: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.

Step 2 gave me what I needed: hope. I would encourage you to read this step on your own, but I want to share some of the things I learned.

First of all, change doesn't have to happen right away. It's a process, there are cycles involved, and you really have to work hard. You might be scared,  you might be cynical, but if there is any part of you that desires change, I'd say go for it. It says in this chapter, "Gradually, the principles...started to work for us. As we kept coming back, we began to feel something we had not felt in years, hope" (pg 7, emphasis added). Hope for change doesn't have to happen right away. If you desire it, keep exercising your hope for hope, and eventually you will find true hope.

Here are more quotes from this chapter. These quotes each touched me at different times for different reasons and always give me hope when I need it. All areas of emphasis are added. 

"In this atmosphere of faith and testimony, we found hope that began to awaken us to the mercy and power of God." God is merciful. He works in mysterious ways, and He is merciful. As hard as I think my life is sometimes, I am so grateful for everything that has come my way because without my trials, I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't be as strong as I am or have the faith and patience that I do if He hadn't extended His mercy to me.

"We found ourselves blessed with the grace of Jesus Christ to maintain our abstinence one day at a time." Whenever I look at what we have to overcome, it overwhelms me. Truth be told, I am an easily overwhelmed person, probably due to school and all my trials. But, being an easily overwhelmed person has allowed me to trust God more openly. When I live one day at a time, I feel the blessings of grace and mercy bestowed on me. When I ask myself, "Can I abstain from anger today?" I think I can do it. But when I ask myself, "Can I completely get rid of my anger right now forever?" I feel no hope. Don't look at everything you have to do and be overwhelmed. Just live each day as God wants you to. Each day, ask Him for strength. He will help you get through that day, and then you can focus on tomorrow when it gets here.

"As we took step 2, we became willing to replace trust in ourselves and our addictions with faith in the love and power of Jesus Christ." I think this speaks for itself, but I do want to point out the word willing. You don't have to completely turn yourself over to God in this step. Through hope, you will find the desire and willingness to turn yourself over. Being willing isn't nearly as hard as actually doing it, but it opens the door to doing it.

"This program is spiritual, and it is a program of action." As much as you want to, you really can't expect things to just change without putting in some effort of your own. The nice thing is, this can be as joyful as you want it to be. You have your agency to put forth the action necessary to make changes in your life, attitude, or whatever you need changed. You also have the agency to choose if this change will bring you joy or if you will do it grudgingly. Sometimes, you may do it grudgingly, but over time, I hope you find joy. If it makes you feel any better, I have my grudging, bad attitude moments. But overall, I have found a lot of joy.

The last two quotes, I just want you to think about on your own. I have a lot I could write about them, but I want to leave the interpretation up to you to think about. Thanks for reading. I pray that you will find peace in whatever you are searching for.

"If you follow these principles and allow them to work in your life, you will find yourself being restored to spiritual health through your newfound relationship with the Lord. His Spirit will help you begin to see your choices more honestly and clearly."

",,,when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance" (Elder Bednar, quoted in this chapter)

Step 2: Hope (Part 1/4)

Are you ready to dive into Step 2? I am!

Don't feel any pressure to be working the steps as fast as I am talking about them, if you are still on step 1, that is perfect. Take your own time, and move on with your studies when you are ready. If you aren't even working them and are just wanting to read what I have to say, awesome. I hope what I say on this blog helps you. 

I absolutely, positively, with all my heart, LOVE Step 2. Why? Because it gave me hope at a time that I didn't have much.

Did you read the post my husband wrote? If not, it's right here. Well, he mentioned how he has thought about killing himself to so I could have a better life. I've always thought that the worst thing that could happen in our marriage is him dying. Even now, I still feel that way. After everything. I just love him so much, and the thought of him dying and me being  alone scares me (even though, yes I am a stalwart member of the church and I know we have eternal families, and I know I would heal if he died, I still don't want him to die any time soon). So, when he talked about suicide, well, I'm pretty sure that probably gave me a panic attack. Because our lives were so hard, and quite honestly, him killing himself would make it harder because then I would be alone with all my pain from his addiction and his death. Wow, this is sounding like a morbid post.

Basically, what I mean is we had some really hard times. His suicidal-thoughts confession was in December of 2011, and I didn't start group until April or May of last year. During those few months, we had lots of ups and downs, mostly downs. Sometimes I had hope, but not consistently. I didn't have real hope that I could actually hold on to until I started Step 2. Lucky for me, when we went to group for the first time, they were studying Step 2. That was perfect for me, and I think for him too. I gained hope and felt lots of love at group, then I went home and could start Step 1. Honesty wasn't what I needed to hear first (I did work the steps in order, and it was amazing), and I was so so incredibly grateful to have started my group meeting attendance on Step 2. I just needed to hear Step 2 first.

I am so excited to share with you what I have learned from Step 2, especially for those of you who need hope as much as I did, or more. I know some people have worse experiences and less hope than me.

The key principle is: "Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health."

That statement alone gave me hope. In the honesty step, we admitted our need for God to help us overcome our whatevers (addiction, weakness, anger, anxiety, you name it) and became more humble. Humility allowed us to let God in. In Step 2, we could build upon that foundation to open the door to receive hope.

I gained hope that my emotional scars could be healed. That I could overcome my anger. That my life wouldn't suck. AND I gained hope for Ben. He worked on the exact same steps as me. He also had to come to believe that the power of God could restore him to complete spiritual health. Having that hope for Ben gave me even a little bit more hope for our marriage.

I know that some of you may be in this recovery process alone and you are trying to find your own healing without your spouse or loved one. Maybe you are going through divorce and you are stuck alone with all your pain and heartache of what your husband's addiction has done to you. Maybe your marriage hasn't failed and you are holding on and trying to recover emotionally, but your spouse won't join you in that process. YOU CAN STILL FIND HEALING. I know it's different for me because my husband is trying to recover from his addiction, but there were times when he wasn't quite sure he wanted to. Giving up his addiction means giving up his coping mechanism for everything that has gone wrong/stressed him out in the past 13 years of his life. That's a lot to give up. There were times that he lied to me so I thought he was recovering and he was still hiding it. His recovery process is happening, but not as fast as I wish (or as he wishes). There have been many times where I felt alone in this, even though ultimately, he has been recovering.

People in group talked about co-dependence a lot. I didn't know what it meant, so I looked it up one day. I just googled the term and studied the top 3 that popped up. This article really helped me understand it better, and it opened my eyes to how co-dependent I was. I'll let you read the article on your own time, if you want. To put it simply, one thing I learned is that I was co-dependent. I still don't think co-dependence is entirely a bad thing, but it depends on how you handle situations like this. I was losing myself, and that was bad. I was so caught up in the pain of what was going on in our relationship, and I was so caught up with the fact that I might end up alone in the celestial kingdom, that I wasn't doing anything for myself. You have to do things for yourself. You have to heal.

I needed to open my heart up to God. I needed to develop my relationship with Him better. You know in church when they ask you to prioritize your life/relationships and you make that list (am I crazy? I hope you have all done that at some point)? Well, this is my list, in order of priority: God, husband, family, friends, other people. God should always come first. That's the first commandment, to love God. As I started trying to come closer to God, then I was able to gain even more hope and healing. Through the 12 steps, I have discovered the power of the Atonement, and I have much hope for the future.

It's important to be dedicated to your spouse. You made covenants. That's the only part of co-dependency that I think is good. The rest of it, not so much. You should have a strong relationship, but you shouldn't depend on that person so much that you can't function yourself. That was me sometimes. Sometimes, I didn't feel co-dependent, but that was when I ignored him, and that isn't good either. You have to find the balance between putting yourself there for him and keeping yourself up too.

I love this step. It really brought me closer to God. I have so much I want to say, so many thoughts running through my head right now. But the last thing I want to share today is a scripture, and I'll talk in more detail about step 2 tomorrow.

The scripture is Alma 7:11-13.

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 12 And he will take upon him death , that he may loose  the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

 13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

Christ knows what is going on in your life. He suffered your pain. He suffered your afflictions. He suffered your temptations. Yours. Mine. His. Hers. All of ours. Personally and individually. He specifically felt yours. He specifically felt mine. He took upon himself our infirmities so he could be filled with mercy towards us. He shows us mercy and blesses us with tender mercies every day. He knows us. He loves us. We are not alone. We are never alone, even though we feel like it sometimes. He is always there, waiting with open arms to hug us and help us through. He is always ready to pick us up and carry us if necessary. He has given me so much strength through the hardest times of my life, and I know I would be nothing without Him. He has given me hope, and He is helping to restore me to complete spiritual health. 

If you have not let Him in, start doing little things to start letting Him in. He really is there. I promise.

 

Fast Sunday

In December, someone told me at group that someone told her that if you fast for your husband for six months in a row, then you will be blessed.

Today was my second month of fasting for my husband.

I fasted for him to have strength to do what he needs to do to overcome his addiction and keep fighting off Satan. Through that, I was also fasting for him to get his temple recommend. I also fasted for us to love each other better.

The past few days, we have been fighting a lot. A LOT. It's been really sad and also annoying because I don't know why we keep fighting, and all of our arguments are completely stupid. But today, after church, we had some much needed time alone where we just cuddled in bed and talked. It was so refreshing and tender, and to me, it was an answer to my prayers to be closer and love each other better.

Step 1: Honesty (Part 4/4)

Key Principle: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

Action Steps:
1. Become willing to abstain.
2. Let go of pride and seek humility.
3. Admit the problem; seek help; attend meetings.

Admit the problem; seek help; attend meetings
This is the last action step for Step 1. Admit the problem. Yeah, the spouse's problem is fairly easy to admit, but admit that your problem is beyond that. It's not all the spouse's fault. Even though my actions do stem from my husband's actions (regarding the addiction), I really have the agency to choose my actions/reactions to what he does. And also, if I can make the effort to understand him and his addiction better, my reactions don't have to be negative. My reactions can be compassionate and loving. I can't control what he does with his addiction, but I can control how angry I get. Unless, of course, I feel like my anger is out of control, which it sometimes is, and then that is another problem that needs to be addressed.

I like to blame my husband for everything that goes wrong. That sounds so horrible, but it's horribly true. If I'm angry, it's because he acted out in his addiction, which hurts. Or he hasn't talked to me enough lately. Or he did something selfish. Or he wasn't considerate enough to unload the dishwasher for me. The list of excuses goes on and on for me. It's so easy to pretend that it's all my husband's fault when he has done something so hurtful. It's so easy to point everything back to that. It's also easy to think that because he has wronged me so badly, he can never make up for it, or all of my wrongs can't even add up to equal it. A wrong is a wrong. Even though my pain from his acting on his addiction is A LOT, I don't have the right to keep doing little things that hurt him. Lately, I've been doing much better at recognizing when I do wrong and seek forgiveness.

When you constantly blame others for your actions, it's really hard to put some of the blame on yourself. I was in denial of my own blame for a while. But, when I realized what problems I was contributing to our marriage, it was really refreshing. We could work together to overcome things instead of battling against each other. We were able to seek help together, and we attended meetings together--he went to his support group, and I went to mine. Then, on the way home from group, we talked about what we learned and impressions we had.

Don't get me wrong--it was H.A.R.D. I definitely don't enjoy admitting I'm wrong because I want to be perfect. Really. Admitting my faults is quite a challenge for me. I am stubborn and prideful. But I've been able to get help with overcoming that flaw and others and help with my healing as I have attended the addiction recovery meetings. I have met great friends who help support me. And, each addiction recovery meeting is a very unique spiritual experience. If you ask me, bringing the Spirit into your life is the best thing you could do to start the healing process. Even if you already study the scriptures regularly and do spiritual things, there is nothing like the spirit I have felt at addiction recovery meetings. It's a very special place. I think it's because those of us involved with someone who suffers from an addiction have been trusted with a lot from the Lord, and there is a special place for us. He gives us special blessings to help us through this trial.

The title of this blog is "12 Steps with Christ." That is because as I have gone through the 12 steps, I have come closer to Christ than ever before. He has literally walked me through them and given me the strength I need to keep going. The first step in truly finding Him is admitting that we are powerless to overcome this alone. Until I admitted that, I was too stubborn. That stubbornness put some blocks in the way so the spirit couldn't reach me. Once I was more humble, the spirit could reach me on so many more levels. And I'm still growing!

Read through the "study and understanding" portion of the step on your own. It's worth it, I promise. You can get a copy of the pdf here, possibly from your bishop, from any ARP meeting, or possibly a Deseret Book or distribution center. That last option, I'm not sure about, so don't quote me on it. I got mine from my bishop, so I know at least some bishops have them, and I know for sure that the missionaries at the meetings have them, or have access to get you one (but I think they are something like 3 bucks).

Step 1: Honesty (Part 3/4)

Key Principle: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

Action Steps:
1. Become willing to abstain.
2. Let go of pride and seek humility.
3. Admit the problem; seek help; attend meetings.

Let Go of Pride and Seek Humility
I love Step 1 because it's the base that I always have to go back to. Yeah, I've been through all of the 12 steps, but they aren't there to just go through once. They are there to help guide us back to Heavenly Father and discover the Atonement to help with us the healing cycle. The process of healing is a cycle. For me, the phases go something like "negative circumstance," "negative emotion," "explosion," "regret," "humility," "reconciliation," and "joy." There isn't a science for how I just identified that cycle. I pretty much just made it up according to what I think I typically go through and in what order. That cycle also doesn't always have to do with the addiction. But in my eyes, the addiction is what made me feel more susceptible and vulnerable to extreme negative emotion, and things that I haven't fully dealt with resurface sometimes in the cycle.  I constantly have to walk myself through the 12 steps, sometimes all 12 in a day, to help myself overcome my temptations and weaknesses and draw closer to Christ.

My husband said something last night that made me mad (unintentionally). While I was trying to fight the anger, he said something else that made me mad/really sad (again, unintentionally). I ended up falling asleep trying to fight off what Satan was trying to throw at me. I woke up this morning mad. And I got more angry and more fuming until I just exploded and ranted all my anger to him. Then, of course, I made him mad at me. I have been trying to fight it (the negativity and depression) all morning, but I ended up just ruining both our mornings. So, while I was petting my dog and crying (tender mercy that she even sat in my lap for as long as she did), I realized what a fool I had been. I was thinking about what my post was supposed to be about today, and I kept thinking of letting go of pride and seeking humility because that is the action step I left off on yesterday. And I was like, "Holy cow, I am such a dummy." If anything, I have been extremely prideful and not humble at all. I have willingly allowed myself to ruin both our mornings, and let me tell you, it's going to take quite a recovery.

As I was petting my dog and crying, I kept asking myself what I want in the long run, trying to look at the eternal perspective. Sometimes (more than I'd like to admit), in the moment, I want to be angry, and I choose to be angry. There is always a choice. But eternally, I'd give anything to be happy and to have my happy husband with me. Right now, we're not on track for that, thanks to my pride this morning. And I'm still having a hard time forgiving him and myself.

How do we let go of our pride and seek after humility?

"Pride and honesty cannot coexist" (pg 2 Addiction Recovery). Well, I think part of it is really looking at the situation. When we always think that others are at fault, there is probably something wrong. If you always think others are at fault, you are probably holding on to some pride. If I have pride, I can't really look at the situation and see where I am at fault. Usually, I have part of the fault, but I deny that with my pride.

"The central feature of pride is enmity--enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.' It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us" (Pres. Benson, pg 2 Addiction Recovery). I definitely felt some enmity this morning. That enmity wasn't even just dedicated towards my husband, but also God. Because there are some other trials we are struggling with, and I was just mad at everyone, God included. Recognizing that and really opening up my eyes to the situation, allows me to let go of my pride.

The problem is I know that I need to accept God's will and timing. I know that. So, if I know that, why do I keep feeling this pride and anger and hostility resurface for things that last week I was being patient about? It's because I'm not perfect. And that's okay. I don't need to be perfect right now. When I mess up, I can repent and move on. Perfection is the goal, not the means to the goal. And I can only be perfected through Christ.

This morning I was really mad. It scared me because I haven't felt that mad in such a long time. But as I sat with my dog, I asked myself what to do. I felt so alone, but I knew that deep down inside, I know what to do. My lonely thoughts turned towards my Savior. He felt alone many times, especially the night that He suffered more than any man will suffer. He suffered all our pains, afflictions, and temptations, and His disciples, whom He asked to watch, kept falling asleep. He probably wanted their presence to help Him feel not quite so alone, but they kept falling asleep. Then, on the cross, He asked God why He had forsaken Him. So, Christ knows how I feel. And, then, as I was sitting there, I had this thought hit me, "You are not alone." I looked out the window to the clear blue sky. I watched birds fly around. I saw my dog looking at me with love that only a dog can give you, and I felt God. I felt Christ lifting me up and telling me it would be okay. I can apologize to my husband. I will probably mess up again in the future, but He is here for me and He knows what I am struggling with. He knows that Satan is powerful because He has felt Satan's temptations, and He knows that I am weak. He reminded me that I am a daughter of God, that He created me, and that He is taking care of me and that all my trials are helping give me strength. What a little weakling I would be without all my trials that have given me strength lol.

Pride is hard to overcome. True humility is hard to find within yourself. I still struggle with it, even though this is my third time going through Step 1. I'm always grateful when I study humility, though, because it reminds me of who I am and it helps me be more grateful for what I have.

As I am going through the steps, I don't just do what it has in the steps. I like to also go onto lds.org and search for more resources of a certain topic I am struggling with. With Step 1, I have done many searches on humility, gratitude, and God's love. Throughout the whole thing, I have done many searches on the Atonement and the plan of salvation. Studying the gospel and applying it to my life has changed my life for the better, and I'm grateful that I can go back and read in my journals what I have learned.

Ps, sometimes you should apologize, even if you don't want to. That also helps you find humility, and if it's a sincere apology, it almost always eases the tension. So... I have an apology due later today when my husband comes home.

**Also, I want you all to know that I know it's not as easy as simply making the choice to not be mad or forgive or whatever. Even after all this, I still feel really mad and ready to explode again if the opportunity presented itself. I really have to keep myself in check sometimes, but I know that with the power of God, I can do all things, even overcome my anger. I know that I will have to pray a lot and be on my guard, but it should be worth it for my husband's happiness and for us to have a good Friday night together. That's all I wanted to add.