I am important!

Things have been going really great lately. So, this morning when I was overcome with stress and felt the Darkness coming in, it freaked me out a little bit. I was trying to piece things together in my head and push it all away for another time while I studied my scriptures and read through my love dare for the day, when Jack, who was getting ready for work, came to give me a hug. He felt something was wrong, and asked if I was okay.

I always want him to notice and ask me if I'm okay. I always want him to notice without me telling him. He's a guy, though, so he usually doesn't or just doesn't know how to approach it. It kind of caught me off-guard, and I didn't know what to say, especially since I had been trying to hide it all until after he left. He had to leave in ten minutes, and I felt like any explanation I could give him would require more than a ten-minute discussion. After a moment of silence and hesitation, I said, "The Love Dare is hard." [and that is a post for a different day.] In my frustration, I cried a little. The real reason I was being weird was not the Love Dare. That was only a small part of it, which was indeed making it worse. But that wasn't the root of my issues this morning.

After another moment of hesitation, I released the real issue: "I'm really stressed about the Togetherness Project. I really want to go, but I just don't think it's do-able. The flight is too expensive for us, and I don't know how it will work with school. I don't know what will be happening at that time, and maybe it's a time when I won't be able to leave. [ps we are living with my parents right now because of our financial woes. My parents are not in on the addiction secrecy... Jack doesn't feel comfortable with anyone in our families knowing] I don't know how I will just leave for a weekend without having to have some explanation for my family, either. And I don't know how I can spend a weekend in Salt Lake without your family knowing, and I miss your family so much! I don't feel like it's even fair to go for the Togetherness Project and not visit your family, but then we would have to explain why I'm there without you. Plus, we need to get into a house. This will set us back, and it makes me feel so selfish." I buried my face in my hands and started crying.

He came and sat by me on the couch, took my hands, looked me in the eyes and said, "You know what I think is happening?"

"Satan?" I whispered.

"Yeah. Whenever you've talked about the Togetherness Project, you light up. You really want to go. And it will be really good for you to go. Satan knows that, and he wants to make it seem impossible. He wants to overwhelm you and make you feel miserable about it so you won't go. Don't worry about the money. We will figure it out. We both have jobs now [even though I don't get my first teacher paycheck until the end of August], so we can afford it better than you think. And it won't set us back very much in moving out of your parents' house and into our own. It will be okay. Don't worry about it."

I kept talking about the things stressing me out about this. I followed him around while he finished getting ready, and we kept discussing it. Finally, right before he left, he said, "Just remember that you are important. This is important. It's a priority for you to go. Satan wants you to feel like you aren't important, that your recovery and healing aren't important. He doesn't want you to feel the peace and validation you are going to feel while you are there. You are important. Apply for the scholarship, and we will make it all work out."

I love him. His being in tune with my needs this morning was amazing. He said exactly what I needed to hear. He validated me. He gave me perspective. He saw the root of my feelings, and that was darkness from Satan. He knows how it works. I know how it works, but sometimes I second-guess it when it's happening to me.

I'm grateful to have such a thoughtful, smart husband. I'm grateful that he cares and is willing to make the financial sacrifice to ship me off to Utah for the Togetherness Project.

Amen, sistas! I'm applying for that scholarship!

Happy Day

Today is Jack's birthday!

We aren't really that big into birthdays. I mean, we celebrate it a little, but it's never anything huge. I personally don't get why birthdays are such a huge deal for some people.

However, I am happy to celebrate this day, even if we don't make a huge deal out of it, because it is a day that I get to show how much I care and how grateful I am that he is was born. Had he not been born, he wouldn't be mine. He is mine, and I love him--even with all our ups and downs :)

Happy birthday, Jack! I love you!

Beautiful Heartbreak

I have so much hope and so much peace. I'm grateful for the strength that my Savior has given me this week especially, but throughout all my trials. Sometimes I can't even begin to think I'll make it to the next week, month, or even year. But I do. It's because I turn to Him and He lifts me up.

I want to share a song. It's one of my favorite recovery songs. I can't watch the video without crying (I'm emotionally high-strung these days), but that's okay. It's a peaceful, grateful cry. I hope you watch it because the video is powerful and amazing.

Beautiful Heartbreak--by Hilary Weeks

The first time I really listened to these lyrics, I was wowed. I already owned this song because I loved it when it first came out, and my dad got me the CD for Christmas. But, when I really listened, it put my whole life, all my trials in perspective for me.

When I got married, I had a plan. I had a map of my life, and I knew exactly where I wanted to go (I think we all got married with a life envisioned that was not quite God's plan). The plan was changed when I found a mountain (addiction, infertility, depression) in the middle of my road. I thought there was no way to get over it, so I tried to find a  way around it. Alas, I had to make the terrible climb. When I got to the top, my breath was taken away. The view was beautiful! Actually, I know I haven't made it to the top, but my pit-stops along the way are beautiful. I can't wait to get to the top where I will find that "every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view. And now that I'm here I would never trade the grace that I feel and the faith that I find through the bitter-sweet tears and the sleepless nights. I used to pray He'd take it all away, but instead it became a beautiful heartbreak."

That's how I feel today. I've experienced so much. We all have. Even with this same addiction, each of us has different experiences, and I imagine that I'm not the only one whose plan went a little crazy. I've made friends through this blog who experience similar emotions, but their trial is a little different. The one thing we all have in common is a Savior who loves us, and we are on a journey to find Him.

When I first learned about the addiction, my heart was torn in pieces. There went my plan! I didn't know what to do, and I certainly wasn't sure how I could forgive him for ruining my life. As I've drawn closer to the Savior, I've found forgiveness coming more naturally. Actually, last night was a perfect example.

Last night, we went out to dinner to celebrate Jack's birthday (he feels old, and he is a little stressed about the fact that he is a geezer and doesn't have kids yet. Really, though? He's only 27. It's going to be okay :D). This week has pretty much been all about me: my pain, my sadness, my lashing out at him because he is my punching bag sometimes (I know--not nice of me). I wanted to talk about him. I felt like I should ask him how the addiction stuff was this week while I was emotionally unstable. Annnnnd...there was a little slip-up one night. I could tell by the way he was cautiously telling me what happened that he was afraid of the anger that had the potential to come up and possibly be embarrassing at the restaurant. However, I was not angry. Not even a little bit. In fact, I was grateful that he didn't tell me on Tuesday when it happened because I probably could not have handled that along with my hormones this week (remember what my PMS stands for?). Lately, when he has told me about his slip-ups, I've felt almost immediate forgiveness. Granted, there are times when I hold a little grudge. That doesn't happen very often, though, and I know I need to forgive. I really try hard to be forgiving. After all, he is working so hard (I think). He is trying to rid himself of this addiction, and I know there will be mess-ups. My realistic expectations are that he tells me when he messes up, he tells me about his temptations, and that I can see growth (usually through remorse and dedication to Christ).

I've been very protected and strengthened by peace this week. Last night when he told me about his slip-up, I felt immediate forgiveness. I felt peace, and I felt free of the emotions that I would have experienced two years ago. I could tell Jack was remorseful. He also expressed his concern with not telling me right away and how he didn't know which would be worse: to tell me while I was struggling with the pregnancy thing or not to tell me until I was more in control. He made the right choice in this scenario.

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness today because of what I read in the Love Dare: Love Forgives.
I'll admit, I was a little tempted to skip this one. The chapters lately have been things that either don't apply or I'm already doing. I'm already forgiving, so skip it, right? Not really. I learned a lot about forgiveness today. Really, I can see the progress I'm making, and it makes me so happy!

The author relates unforgiveness to a prison. When we don't forgive, we imprison and torture ourselves. My freedom--my emotional freedom and freedom from co-dependence--is dependent on my ability to forgive. That totally makes sense to me, and I hadn't really thought of it in quite that way before.

The other thing I learned about forgiveness is that ultimately, forgiveness clears us from worrying about how to punish the person who wronged us (and that is kind of a prison too). When we forgive, we aren't turning them loose, necessarily, we are just turning the situation over to God. Isn't that amazing? Forgiveness allows me to have peace and be free of the prison. It allows me to turn it over to God. And it takes away my responsibility to do anything other than love.

So many things are clicking for me right now. I'm still struggling with my trials, but I'm finding peace and strength, and it's balancing out the pain. I'm grateful I can look back over the mountain and see the glory and beauty of what I have traveled. I'm grateful for my Savior who stands by my side. I'm grateful for the ability I have to forgive and cope in healthy ways. I've come a really long way. I'm excited for what life will continue to bring me!

I don't understand, and that is okay

Minus the pride part. Because I'm trying to be humble ;)

 I need a little soul-dumping session. Bear with me.

In the past three years, I've experienced a lot of heartache. Looking back, it's all been a crazy whirlwind. The dating/engagement stuff was a whole other story with heartache. That's not where I'm beginning today.

Just after we got married, there was the car accident, which was traumatic for me (I'm still struggling with the upper back and neck injuries). The real, deep heartache started with my first D-Day, about two and a half years ago. Just a couple months after that, though, as I was still sorting through everything regarding the addiction, I had the prompting that we should start our family.

We had already decided we weren't going to start trying until at least our last semester of college. So, first, I was a little shocked that I felt the prompting to start trying to get pregnant because I (we) still had over a year left of school. That wasn't really that big of a deal though. I wasn't about to let school stop me from following that prompting. Besides, it's not like it's that abnormal at BYU to find young mothers finishing up school. The real reason I was shocked was because I was dealing with the damage of finding out my husband is a sex-addict. And, I mean, you know...when you're trying to get pregnant, you have sex a lot. And it's kind of scheduled. And as the wife of a sex-addict, you don't really like feeling like you have to have sex, which was how I felt while we were trying to get pregnant.

A few weeks after the initial prompting, I talked to Jack about it. He had been feeling it too (we actually figured it out that we received the initial prompting on the exact same day. cool, huh?), so we decided to go for it. While trying, there were days that it was hard, and there were days when I didn't want to have sex, and there were days that I just refused because I emotionally couldn't handle it. But overall, we tried really hard to get pregnant. I had God on my side, and He helped me find peace and healing. I had faith in Him and His plan and following the promptings He had given me.

Ten months later...I was still not pregnant. I know ten months is really not that long in the grand scheme of things, but I felt very infertile and let-down. I had followed the prompting. I tracked my ovulation. I scheduled sex. I was dealing with the emotions that come with the pornography and masturbation. I was having faith. And I was still not getting pregnant!

It was so frustrating!! Then came the time when we had to choose to keep trying or not because if I got pregnant, the baby would be due during my student-teaching. We didn't know what to do, but after fasting and prayer, we decided to stop trying to get pregnant for a few months (just in case. You can't really give birth while you're student-teaching. And we felt like me graduating later was wrong for us...which, as it turns out was absolutely the right decision because we followed the Spirit to where we live now, and this move was right after graduation).

We stopped trying for a few months. I still always wished I could be pregnant, but the emotions weren't as high-strung because there wasn't that disappointment every month when I started my period. Then, we felt the prompting to start again. So we did, until my lower-back went out. After that, it became physically impossible to have sex, much less carry a baby. That has been the hardest part of the trial with my lower-back. I just want to be a mom. I love teaching, and my students are like my children. I love them. But still, I want to be a mom!

So, here is the reason I'm writing all this. That was just the backup story for what I'm really getting at. I wrote on here a few months ago that we were going to start trying again. Then, addiction stuff got in the way, and I felt like we couldn't try anymore because of my emotional instability. Something beautiful happened, though, and God gave me the ability to see things clearly (not that what I am about to say applies to everyone. Because it doesn't. Somehow, I have had the strength to do all this in the midst of addiction hurt. Just a blessing because this is how it's supposed to be for us, but my way isn't for everyone. Just so that is all clear). I have been able to separate my husband and our relationship from the addiction. I've been able to be loving and supportive (and I've been doing the Love Dare), and I've been putting a lot of effort into our relationship. We've been trying to get pregnant. And I've been enjoying it. It's been much less emotionally painful than when we were trying two years ago. We are drawing closer together, and the pregnancy-trying process is much more beautiful than it was before. It's been really good for us.

Earlier this week, my body was telling me all the signs of pregnancy. That's happened a few times before, though (fake-outs), so I was trying not to think about it. I didn't want to even think for a second that I might be pregnant because when I think that, it's so much harder when I start my period. But, on Sunday, I finally told Jack my little secret--that I actually think I am pregnant this time. I told him why. And then I started crying and told him I couldn't handle it if I wasn't. I promptly pushed all thoughts away. Except they didn't go away.

My period was a day late. I started spotting. When it got heavier than spotting, though, I was crushed. I turned it over to God, and I felt so much better. I felt peace along with the pain. The pain was still real, but the peace was so overwhelming that I couldn't even feel any anger at all. No anger for the feelings I had that maybe God was playing with my body and tricking me. None at all. Just peace and the knowledge that He had it under control.

Usually day two of my period is SUPER heavy--and it wasn't this time. It was still just a little more than spotting. Thought: implantation bleeding. I started crying. I told Jack what was going on in my head, and my thoughts started going warp-speed. Long story short(ish): all week long, my body has still been showing me signs of pregnancy. My period was only half as long as normal, and it NEVER got heavy like it usually does. Yesterday, while I was depressed and studying my scriptures, trying to find peace, I had this overwhelming feeling come over me that said, "You're pregnant. You'll see. Don't stress." Which of course, stressed me out. I kept trying not to think about it because I wasn't sure I could believe it.

Talking to Jack last night, as I told him all these things and the feelings I had (it was more than just that simple thought. It was a very spiritual experience for me, and a lot more was going on than just that one thought), I expressed my fear that I would take my pregnancy test in the morning (I had an x-ray for my lower back scheduled this morning, so I had to take the test) and it would be negative. And then I would have experienced those feelings of peace and "it's okay you're pregnant" stuff in vain. As I was talking to him, the scripture, "Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief" came to mind, and I felt peace. So, I prayed and asked God to help me trust Him: I so wanted to trust Him, but I was scared. I fell asleep. I slept fitfully.

This morning I took my pregnancy test, and it was negative.. And then, I felt peace wash over me as I thought, "I knew that would happen." I felt peace, but I was a little angry (anger is my mask for really sad) and could have used a hug. I basically pushed myself away from my husband, who probably wanted to help me, but I didn't invite him (and I wish he wouldn't always wait to be invited because sometimes us women don't want to tell our husbands hey hug me right now. We want them to just know!).

So, what is going on? I don't know. But I have some thoughts.

As I drove home from my chiropractor (after my x-ray. getting that x-ray is one blessing of not being pregnant. I can physically see how my back is doing on Monday, and maybe I will be released to return to normal activity! There is always hope for something!), I reflected on all of this. All of the heartache I have experienced:

Jack's addiction: emotional damage
Infertility: it's been over two years since we first started trying. That's two years of really wanting kids and all of that stuff that you really only know about if you have experienced it. Emotional pain.
              Grand total:15-16 months infertile; 10 months incapable
 Addiction + Infertility = PAIN

First of all, I feel like my trust and faith have been challenged, and I've lived up to the test. Check-mark for me! Yesterday, as I studied my scriptures, I asked myself the question (that I often ask when I am depressed), why do we have to submit to God? Why do I have to be humble? (Sometimes I get a little too close to the bitter line.) In reality, we don't have to, we aren't forced, and I know that when I do submit to God and am humble, I experience joy beyond imagination. It's only through God that I experience true happiness. I felt peace in my submission to God.

I don't know why I would have those experiences telling me I am pregnant and then not be. But I'm not mad. Maybe it was to show me my true colors. Maybe it was to show me my strength. Maybe it was to challenge me to turn to God in faith. Maybe it was to help me find the only way to peace and healing.

I kind of want to be mad. But I'm not. I feel a little numb, and I definitely feel sad and heartbroken, but I have peace. I have faith.

I had this thought earlier this week about infertility: maybe I need to prepare myself spiritually, and maybe there are things I need to experience before I have children. And no matter what, I'm receiving fantastic growth because of this trial, especially since it overlaps the addiction trial.

I had this thought yesterday about infertility: maybe part of the reason women experience this is because they are ready, but their children aren't. When I have fake-out months, maybe I have a spirit-child who is going to come to earth, but then "chickens out" (for lack a better term). Maybe my children are sensitive spirits, and they see this scary, immoral world they are coming into, and they get scared. My infertility is preparing me (if I choose to learn and grow from it) to be a better mother, which would be even better for sensitive spirits.

I had this thought this morning about my infertility: Maybe the timing on all this (how the promptings to try to get pregnant coincide with hard times in the addiction) is to give us both hope for our eternal family. For me, it helps me see the bigger picture, thus treating Jack better and trying harder to be happy in our marriage. And maybe it gives him motivation for addiction-recovery so he can be a worthy patriarch and priesthood holder in our family. Maybe when we are actively trying to get pregnant, it helps him see beyond the addiction and what joys lie in store in the eternities.

I don't know. Those are just thoughts. All I know is this: I'm not pregnant, and that is okay. Along those lines, my husband has an addiction, and that is also okay. My life is hard, and that is normal. It's okay! It's all okay! I have a Savior who has felt every single pain I feel. He has felt all of this already. He knows how I feel. He knows how to comfort me. I have a Father who loves me. He doesn't want me to be unhappy. He doesn't want me to turn away from Him. I also know this: if I choose anger in my trials, I will ruin my happiness. If I choose to turn away from God because of my trials, I will lose out on so much beauty in this life and in my life to come.

I really don't know what just happened to me this week with the whole pregnancy fake-out. Part of me thinks I imagined it, that it was all in my head and I'm crazy. But, I can't deny what I have felt. I'm not crazy, and I didn't imagine anything. I don't understand it, but maybe some day I will. Right now, I feel okay just trusting and having peace.

We are pioneers!

Hi, my name is [Marie], and I'm a modern-day pioneer.

In the Utah and LDS communities, today is a holiday called Pioneer Day. Today, we celebrate our ancestors who moved across the globe to follow the prophet's call (and Utahns who aren't LDS may just celebrate the fact that Utah was settled by pioneers who paved a way across America). Today, I celebrate their strength, their devotion, and their desire to follow Christ.

I know pioneer stories. Women gave birth on the trails travelling west. Women lost husbands and children. Families lost fathers, mothers, grandparents, siblings and dear friends. People starved. People froze. People were killed by threatening mobs. Our pioneer ancestors endured so much. Their stories give me hope and strength, and I am proud to honor them on this special day.

When I hear/read/discover stories of our pioneer ancestors, I can't help but think how I don't think I could do that. Their trials sound impossible. Many of them probably thought the same thing. However, they did it. They made it through because of the grace of God. They had hope and faith. I know many of them were grateful for their sufferings because it brought them humility, gratitude, and closer to their Savior.

When I think of my own trials, I sometimes can't help but think how impossible they seem. I have many examples, though, that show me nothing is impossible. I have God on my side to lift me up and give me strength. I also have the ministering of angels to lift me up and give me strength. I've seen examples in my pioneer ancestry, and I read of examples in the Bible and Book of Mormon, that show me how I can be lifted. They show me that through my Savior, I can have strength to bear all things.

The world is still full of pioneers. I am one. I am a pioneer fighting sexual immorality and fighting to save my marriage. I am a pioneer trying to help others understand sex-addiction and not be so judgmental about it. I am a pioneer trying to help others come unto Christ and find the healing they need.

You are a modern-day pioneer. If you don't think you are, you can be. Today.

Today is pioneer day. Do something to honor our ancestors. Find a cause to fight for! Share the good news of the gospel with others! Befriend someone who needs it! Serve someone today! Share joy! Share love! That's what it's all about!

And if you are a pioneer fighting sexual immorality and finding healing in your marriage (or something else that is just really really hard), celebrate yourself today. Eat some brownies or something! I know I will!

Announcements

I have a few things to post about.

First, my addiction recovery group (well, for me, family support group) is getting a PHONE MEETING! As of right now, it's supposed to start August 15. We don't have a phone number yet (that I know of) though. We should get it soon. It is every Thursday night from 7-8 central time zone. If you want to be a part of this, email me at alma3441@gmail.com, and I will make sure you get the details!

Next, Jacy put together something called The Togetherness Project. It looks AWESOME! Read the details here.

Last, Victory had a cool idea of how we can celebrate Pioneer Day. "We are pioneers." Check her blog (and this awesome idea) out here!

That's all :)

Love all of you!

Strength in the Temple

 The three months before we moved, and before my back injury, I went to the temple every week. It really helped give me strength during an insanely hard time. When my back crashed, I was unable to attend the temple. Then we moved, and the temple became a four-hour drive away. Sitting in the car for eight hours and in the temple for however long was out of the question for a while. So I went from going every week for three months to not going at all for about four months in a row. I really missed the spiritual power you get from going to the temple.

When we moved here, Jack was able to get his temple recommend after a few months. It has been amazing to attend the temple together again. 

We made a trip to the temple today. It was beautiful. 

Why?

1) I learned a lot about Satan, covenants, addiction, and the Atonement.  The things I learned gave me perspective and strength.

2) It was so amazingly peaceful. 

3) In the celestial room, I felt serenity and joy that was [almost] beyond belief. And, after the craziness this week, I envisioned that feeling as similar to how I will feel after the chaos of this life and I am finally in God's presence again. I can't wait! 

4) I felt such a strong love and tie to my husband. I felt renewed strength to battle Satan and his destructiveness. He will not beat us. 

Today has been full of serenity, beauty, and joy. I'm so happy and grateful for these moments and the spiritual power I have gained today. I'm grateful for the trials of life and for what awaits us, if we are faithful, on the other side. I saw a small part of that today, and it gives me such strength.

I've mentioned strength a lot. It's true. And I know that strength comes from my Savior and Father in Heaven. 

As I reflect on what I felt today, this verse keeps coming to mind. I think it's beautiful. 

Enos 1:27:

"And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father."

I imagine that would feel a little like what I felt today. And I hope He says that to me.