I've never fully understood masturbation. I had a different idea of it in my head. But last night, Jack and I discussed his addiction. And I learned in more detail what goes along with masturbation.
Now I don't know which is worse. Is it worse to watch pornography or is it worse to fantasize about having sex (etc etc), envisioning and streaming pornography in your mind? I don't know. Both are bad. It doesn't matter which might be worse, but I now understand that Jack only struggling with masturbation at the moment and staying clean of porn isn't necessarily progress. It is, but it isn't. It is. It's good that he is clean on one side. But it isn't. It's worse than I realized.
I feel let down. I feel sad. I talked through my anger and sadness last night. I'm glad Jack is such a good listener, especially when it's painful for him.
The whole conversation started with me stating that I've noticed the masturbation has recently become more frequent. And I followed that up with my statement that I don't think I fully understand it and then asking questions.
Sigh.
I'm grateful I'm working on my healing. I feel a strength that only the Savior can provide, and I feel prepared right now. I don't know which direction things will go--hopefully continue to go up. I'm really glad I'm working on step 8 right now. It's a small reminder that I'm not perfect, and Jack still deserves for me to treat him with Christlike love. He still deserves forgiveness. And I still need to watch myself and seek forgiveness when I do wrong. I need to be humble--in all aspects of my life.
We're going on a trip together this week. Hopefully that provides some healing for us...?
I'm sorry. Finding out that he fantasized sexually about people we know was what made me realize 'the full story'. It's hard. Email me if you want to talk and I'll give you my number.
ReplyDeleteStay strong. You're awesome.